17

3 December

This year Christmas shopping was a chore. Lisa was so tired. She looked like the walking dead, and she felt about as healthy too. When she wasn’t being sick, she felt sick. Carol claimed to have the same problem – she said it was the shame.

Carol wasn’t going to serve drinks during the break at her kids’ Christmas concert this year. She always did. But she said this year she wouldn’t be able to hold her head up in public when Lisa’s news broke. Lisa sarcastically thanked her for her support and asked if she’d kept any of Katie’s baby equipment. Lisa couldn’t afford to take offence. Carol said she’d check in the garage but she wasn’t hopeful.

‘You’d like to cut me off completely, wouldn’t you?’ said Lisa.

‘Yes, but it’s your turn to host Christmas,’ said Carol. Lisa wasn’t sure if she was joking. Carol hated cooking and would eat with the devil if it saved her from washing up greasy pans.

Lisa’s mum kept saying that she was looking forward to Christmas dinner, as she’d be ‘glad to talk some sense into Mark’. Lisa was worried that her mum and dad would turn up with a few pounds of potatoes and some carrots from Dad’s allotment. They’d offer them up as a dowry.

Money was tight now that Lisa had the new baby to plan for. Buying gifts on a budget for her disapproving family was no fun at all. Lisa walked around stores that sold scarves and novelty cufflinks. She didn’t know anyone who wore either. Still, that hadn’t stopped her buying similar gifts in the past.

Lisa was walking around New Look, deciding whether to buy Kerry and Paula trendy, skimpy tops. That way she’d get into their good books. But maybe she should stick to her motherly instincts and buy them thermal vests? Her brother called to ask Lisa what he should buy Gill for Christmas.

‘As in my friend, Foghorn Gill?’ asked Lisa.

‘One and the same,’ said John.

‘In that case, buy her a gag.’

‘With a blindfold and handcuffs do you think?’ asked John.

Lisa didn’t quite get his meaning. But she thought it was likely to be sexual. What else would it be with John? She blushed. ‘Too much information,’ she said.

Suddenly Lisa had some idea how her kids felt about her and Mark. There were some people it was best never to imagine having sex: your parents, your children, any of your relatives, come to think of it! That’s what made a happy family.

‘By the way, I’m bringing Gill and her boys to the annual chimps’ tea party on Christmas Day,’ said John.

Lisa couldn’t remember John bringing a date to Christmas dinner before. It must be serious with Gill.

Lisa moved on to Debenhams. She was choosing between a fake-fur hot-water-bottle cover and a Christmas cracker full of miniature whisky bottles when she bumped into Mark.

‘What are you doing in town?’ she asked.

‘Shopping.’

Of course, he probably was. They were in a shop. But he looked shifty and Lisa doubted him. Shouldn’t he be at work? Lisa looked round to see if she could spot a leggy blonde. Maybe he had a secret meeting, with a secret woman.

‘Who are you looking for?’ asked Mark.

Lisa was too tired to fake it. ‘Your mistress,’ she said.

Mark laughed. ‘I love your sense of humour.’ Then he saw her stony expression. ‘You are joking, aren’t you?’

‘I always expect the worst, and I’m rarely disappointed,’ said Lisa. She knew she was falling into her old habit of punishing Mark for Keith’s crimes. It was wrong of her. But it was a hard habit to break.

Mark looked cross for a second. But then he just asked what Lisa had bought. He was not impressed by the mittens for her mum, or by the dancing Santa for Carol, even if it did light up. Lisa didn’t like it much either, but Carol would hate it. That was what was good about it.

Lisa’s mobile rang again. This time it was Keith to say he and the Big Breasted Woman were pleased to accept the kids’ invitation to Christmas dinner. The kids had invited him to annoy Lisa. Obviously, it was an act of war. And Keith said he’d bring his parents.

Clearly, they all wanted to be in on the family crisis and gossip. Nothing else would make the Big Breasted Woman give up staying in the five-star country hotel. This had been her plan for Christmas. She’d said that the hotel served mince pies and mulled wine, in front of the fire, at midnight on Christmas Eve. Very traditional and costly but worth every penny, said the Big Breasted Woman. Lisa had a Christmas Eve tradition too. She defrosted the turkey with a hairdrier and cursed that all the shops were closed. She always ran out of sticky tape when she still had a mountain of wrapping to get through.

‘Damn!’ said Lisa as she hung up the phone. ‘I wish mobile phones had never been invented. Then I wouldn’t get bad news in Debenhams. Christmas Day will be like Paula’s birthday – but worse because now I’m a fallen woman! We’ll have to sit together and listen to the Queen’s speech on traditional values.’

‘It will be OK,’ said Mark

‘I can’t even drink to numb the pain.’ Lisa did the maths. She’d be sixteen weeks pregnant by then. She’d be at the looking-fat-but-not-looking-pregnant stage – great.

Lisa started to cry quietly. Mark pulled her to his chest. This made her feel better – and then worse. Hadn’t he noticed that it was nice when they were together?

‘Do you want to see what I bought?’ asked Mark. He pulled out two vouchers for a day of pampering at a spa. ‘One each for Kerry and Paula, for Christmas.’

Lisa was touched by his thoughtfulness, and his planning. Fancy, a man who Christmas shops in early December. Keith never bought Christmas presents. Lisa got new carpets in the January sales every three years. Keith got a good staff discount. Lisa bought the presents for everyone else. Lisa’s dad and John bought gifts from the petrol station on Christmas Eve. Lisa’s mum had three torches, ten cans of de-icer and loads of packets of those hanging air-freshener things. Lisa’s mum was never ungrateful though. She said she was the woman to know if ever you found yourself in a dark, snowy, smelly place.

‘This is for Jack,’ said Mark. He opened another shopping bag. Lisa looked inside.

‘A belt?’ she asked.

‘A lead. And I thought we’d get him the dog to go with it. I know we have a lot on with the baby and things, but he really wants a dog. I’ll walk it. Every family needs a dog,’ said Mark.

Jack had been pleading for a dog for months. He’d been going on and on and on and on. But Lisa had been firm: no, no, no. But that last sentence from Mark changed her mind.

Every family needs a dog.