12

5 November

Normally, Lisa loved bonfire night. Even when it was cold and wet, which was always. She loved the smell of hot-dogs and onions. She loved the noise. She loved the colour. It was exciting. But now, and forever more, she would associate fireworks night with a blind terror.

She’d done the test, finally. Three times in fact. She’d seen women on TV doing the pregnancy test lots of times. In those Sunday night dramas or the soaps. She’d thought it was silly. Those tests cost a fortune. No one in their right mind really wasted money checking the results. It said on the packet 99.999999% correct – or something. But now she got it. That was just it. People in their right minds wouldn’t do a £10 test three times. But she wasn’t.

In her right mind, that was.

She was pregnant.

Age forty-two, plus three almost grown-up kids, plus not married, plus pregnant, equals big mess.

Despite her lack of maths O level, Lisa thought she was probably ten weeks pregnant. When she’d been pregnant with Kerry, Paula and Jack she’d picked up the phone and told everyone straight away. This time she wanted to hide in a dark room. She’d like to give birth secretly. She could pretend she’d found the baby on the doorstep.

What would Paula and Jack say? What would her family say? Each question made her feel sicker, which was odd when you think she’d felt sick for weeks. Kerry wasn’t speaking to her. She was too hurt and embarrassed by Lisa’s mistake to talk again, probably. Still, at least that was one less person shouting at her. Lisa thought they might all shout.

Lisa and the kids walked home from the firework display in a moody silence. The odd lone firework flashed in the sky. When Lisa was younger she’d thought fireworks were like little bits of magic exploding into the air. Now, she jumped with every bang.

It took all her nerve to call Gill. Gill was great, and didn’t mention the fact that they hadn’t really been speaking since Gill had suggested Lisa might be pregnant.

‘Congratulations. I knew it!’ said Gill. She sounded so happy.

‘I didn’t,’ said Lisa. She sounded so unhappy.

‘Really?’ asked Gill.

‘Really.’

‘You were in denial?’

‘Yes,’ Lisa said.

‘But you are pleased.’ Gill said it like it was not a question.

Of course everyone assumed Lisa would be pleased. Lisa was a great mum. She always had been. And Lisa liked being a mum. She always had done. What’s not to like? And a baby with a good-looking man like Mark – it had to be good news.

Lisa wasn’t so sure. Things weren’t quite so clear-cut.

‘Well… yes and no. On a simple level, it’s a new life – hurrah! More realistically, I’m an over-the-hill divorcee. I thought the next pram I’d be pushing would be my grandchild’s. I’m pretty sure my kids had the same view. Kerry has been upset for weeks because she feared this. Her friend Amanda had just talked her round to the idea when I…’ Lisa didn’t finish the sentence. Her mistake was too silly. ‘I don’t think the other two will be happy either. Then there’s my parents and sister. They are very old-fashioned on such subjects. I’m not married!’

‘Who cares about that nowadays?’ asked Gill.

‘Like I said, they do,’ said Lisa.

‘And Mark?’ asked Gill.

‘Mark has vanished,’ said Lisa very sadly. This was the worst. How could she have let that happen?

No word from him for nearly a week. There was suddenly a big gap where he used to be. Jack struggled with changing the tyre on his bike. Paula was miserable tonight, because they’d gone to the local fireworks without him. She kept pointing out dads carrying kids on their shoulders. Even though, in heels, she was almost as tall as Mark. He was never going to carry her on his shoulders. He would have bought her a toffee apple though, Lisa had to admit that. Kerry had locked herself in her room for days. Lisa didn’t know what to say to get her out. Mark might have known.

Then there was Lisa.

Lisa missed him. How unfair! After all her care to stop herself getting involved, he had still got under her skin. Last night she’d set a place for him at tea out of habit. She missed his chatter. She missed him checking that the doors were locked at night. She could do it herself. She always had. But she liked him doing a double check. She missed his daft jokes. She missed him yelling at the TV. It was beginning to dawn on her that more than anything individual, she missed the chance that he was – another chance at a happy ever after.

‘And now there’s a baby who will miss his dad more than anyone,’ said Lisa, fighting tears.

‘Call him,’ said Gill.

Lisa didn’t think she could. Having had nearly a week to think about it, she now saw that she hadn’t been a great girlfriend. Mark was a decent bloke. He’d done nothing to hurt Lisa. He’d done quite a lot to make her life better. But her careful ways must have seemed cold and rude. She hadn’t trusted him. She had punished him for all Keith’s wrongdoings.

She’d never told him she loved him. She’d said she didn’t even believe in that sort of love. But she did love him. How silly it had been to keep that to herself. It was not possible to call him now, just because she was pregnant. She wasn’t a helpless, fallen woman. She didn’t need saving!

Well, maybe she did, but just a little bit. She did feel very alone, despite the new life inside her – or maybe because of it.