ELEVEN
MONROE LEANED BACK IN his chair. “I first came to
Purgatory when I was twenty years old to serve as a Striker. I was
a brash young man, all spitfire and ambition and no sense to speak
of. I thought quite highly of myself.”
He chuckled, running
a hand through his dark hair. “I didn’t appreciate the rules set by
our Guide at the time. He was a meticulous man named Davis. I was
impatient with his insistence that young Strikers always patrol in
pairs. That we spend as much time gathering information about the
Keepers as planning and executing attacks.”
He folded his arms
over his chest, his face lost in memories. “One day, when I was
supposed to be training, I headed off on my own. Trekked up near
Haldis, convinced I could take out a Guardian or two solo. I was a
fool. If circumstances had been anything other than what they were,
I would have been dead.”
“What were the
circumstances?” Shay asked.
“I encountered a
lone Guardian. She was on me faster than I would have imagined
possible; I didn’t even have time to draw a weapon. I had
completely underestimated the skill of my adversaries. She knocked
me down, and I thought she would kill me.” His voice tightened and
he swallowed. “But then it wasn’t a wolf over me anymore. It was a
young woman.” He glanced at me and smiled. “Barely older than you,
Calla.”
I nodded, my heart
pounding. “Why did she shift into human form?”
Monroe’s jaw
clenched. “She asked me to kill her.”
“What?” Shay
gasped.
I heard a muffled
sob and glanced over to see that Tess had begun to cry again. Adne
wrapped her arm around Tess’s shoulders.
“I was stunned,”
Monroe continued. “She could barely speak through her tears. She
clung to me, sobbing.”
Torrid emotion
rippled through Monroe’s eyes, and I suddenly found it difficult to
breathe.
He shifted
restlessly in his chair. “She was mated to a cruel man for whom she
had no love, tormented by constant fear of a master even more
wicked than her husband, terrified for the well-being of packmates
for whom she did care deeply but whose lives were as unpredictable
and devoid of free will as her own.” He paused and drew a slow
breath before he spoke again. “But all these things, she said she’d
been able to bear. Until that moment.”
“What changed?” Shay
whispered. He glanced at me and saw my contorted face. His fingers
slipped between my own and I gripped his hand.
“Her master had
ordered her to bear a child.” Monroe closed his eyes. “And she
couldn’t face the idea that she would bring another life into this
world who would be forced to contend with the same pains that
plunged her into despair every day.”
“What did you do?” I
asked in a whisper.
“I offered to help
her.” Monroe’s eyes opened; they roiled with violent emotion. “I
told her about the Harrowing. The true history that undermined all
the lies she’d been told from her birth. A time when Searchers and
Guardians united to fight back against the Keepers. I was desperate
to convince her that there was another way. Something besides death
to give her hope. I had never encountered pain like that. I wanted
nothing more than to save her.”
Shay and I sat in
silence, fascinated by his tale. Connor was staring into his cup,
while Adne had begun to stroke Tess’s hair. Silas didn’t seem to be
paying attention at all, his energy redirected to his notebook,
occasionally pausing to peer at Shay.
Monroe smiled sadly.
“We began to meet in secret. I brought her as much information as I
could about how the alliances of the past had formed.”
I felt a caress on
my hand. I glanced at Shay and he smiled gently at me. Monroe
watched the exchange and his eyebrows rose. “Sounds
familiar?”
Shay
nodded.
Monroe’s smile
became a grimace and he spoke again. “Davis had been furious with
me for disobeying his directive, but he jumped at the chance to
have Guardians on our side. It looked like our best chance to
overturn control of Haldis. Corrine was able to gather support
among several of her packmates. Our plan was to bring them out
first, gather a significant force of several Searcher teams, and
then make a combined assault against the Keepers in
Vail.”
“But something went
wrong?” Shay frowned.
Monroe nodded. He
cleared his throat, but his voice remained thick. “Corrine became
pregnant. She’d hoped to avoid it somehow”—he winced—“but such
things can be difficult to control.”
He was quiet for a
moment; he folded his hands on the table. “She was afraid to run
while she was pregnant, and she didn’t want to take extra risks
with the newborn child, so she asked for the plan to be put on
hold. To wait until the child had grown, until her son was a year
old and wouldn’t be so vulnerable when we made our escape. I
agreed.” He paused; I saw his hands trembling.
I forced my question
out, despite my growing fear. “What happened?”
“In the intervening
period, the plot was discovered.” Monroe’s knuckles whitened as his
hands locked together fiercely. “Instead of the escape, the team of
Searchers encountered an ambush at the Bane compound. We lost more
than half our number.”
“And Corrine? And
her allies?” Shay’s voice was stern.
Monroe replied in a
flat tone. “They had already been handed over to wraiths. All dead
before we even arrived.”
I had to close my
eyes as Monroe breathed life into the scenes from my nightmare. My
organs felt brittle, ready to shatter.
“But they let Ren
live?” I whispered. “They didn’t kill her child.”
“It’s been hard to
put the pieces together, but from what I understand, Corrine’s mate
was loyal to her master, never a conspirator against the Keepers.
And the child remained in his care. After all, the young alpha for
the new pack was still needed. And as you’ve already said, he knew
nothing about how his mother truly died.”
Shay squeezed my
hand again and I realized that tears were coursing down my cheeks.
I swiftly brushed them away. He looked at Monroe. “Do you have any
idea how she was betrayed?”
Monroe’s jaw set; he
stared at his hands.
“I think that’s all,
folks,” Connor muttered. “Are you satisfied?”
Shay’s head snapped
around. “Would you just—”
“No, Shay.” I put my
hand on his arm. “Thank you, Monroe.”
Monroe rose, giving
us his back. “I’ll bid you good night.”
“Me too,” Tess said.
She followed Monroe back to the staircase.
“Way to clear a
room,” Connor mumbled, staring into his empty coffee
cup.
“Leave it, Connor,”
Adne said, and stood up. “Let’s just find another way to pass the
time.”
He grinned at her.
“I have a few ideas.”
“Mine are better and
in the realm of possibility.” Adne sat on the table, put her feet
on the bench, and rested the guitar on her knees. She strummed the
chords and tilted her head.
“Requests?”
“Ladies’ choice,”
Connor said.
She began to sing,
her voice rich and low.
“Rage, rage against
the dying of the light,” she sang.
Shay perked up.
“Dylan Thomas?”
She paused,
shrugging. “Yeah. It’s kind of our mantra here. I made up a melody
to go along with the poem.”
“How long have you
been playing?” Shay watched her fingers move along the frets,
clearly fascinated.
“Since I was four,”
Adne said. “My mother taught me.”
“She’s a natural,
but that’s no surprise. Adne’s good at everything. Child genius and
all.” Connor pushed a strand of Adne’s mahogany hair off her
forehead. His brown eyes gleamed in the firelight as his fingers
lingered on her skin.
A nagging suspicion
crept through me. Something lay just beneath the surface of Connor
and Adne’s constant bickering. I was sure of it.
So many hidden stories linking all of them together. These
two have secrets of their own.
“I can tell,” Shay
murmured, his eyes fixed on Adne’s swiftly moving fingers. “Could
you teach me?”
Adne’s strumming
paused. “To play?”
Shay
nodded.
She smiled at him,
patting the bench next to her. “Of course.”
Shay moved to her
side and she placed the guitar on his thighs. I swallowed hard when
she moved to sit behind him on the table, leaning over him so she
could guide his hands on the guitar.
Despite my
suspicions about Connor and Adne, I wondered if their story was in
the past—and Adne had her eye on a future with Shay. I didn’t doubt
Shay’s feelings for me, but jealousy still nipped at me anytime I
saw him and Adne together. Even if he wasn’t interested in her,
they were becoming fast friends. And that made my chest ache. I
missed my friends. Especially Bryn. Even if she had to pry
information from me about my feelings, her constant concern, her
presence had sustained me. Every alpha needed that
support.
I forced my eyes off
Adne and Shay. The thought of turning into a wolf and pinning Adne
to the floor was becoming more and more appealing.
“I think I’m gonna
call it a night.” Connor yawned loudly, though he had fixed a hard
gaze on the impromptu music lesson. “Adne, can I escort you to your
room?”
“What?” Adne barely
glanced at him. “I suddenly need an escort? Did we have a time warp
to the nineteenth century that I missed?”
Connor glared at
Shay and then kicked the floor with the heel of his boot. He looked
vulnerable, something I’d never seen in the everjoking Searcher
before.
“No, I—” he mumbled.
“Night, then.”
“Night.” Adne’s
attention was back on the guitar.
Connor looked back
at Shay and Adne once more, hesitating. The expression on his face
was strange, caught somewhere between anger and
sadness.
“I think I’ll go to
bed too,” I said. Before I tear her fingers
off.
“I’ll walk you to
your room. I’ll even sing you a lullaby . . . and maybe you could
show me what makes you howl,” Connor said, a smile sliding across
his mouth.
“Hey!” Shay snapped
out of his trance to glare at the Searcher.
“Down, boy.” Connor
laughed.
“Come on, Shay,”
Adne chided, pulling his hands into place on the guitar. “Pay
attention. Put your fingers here and here. That’s a G
chord.”
Shay flushed,
wrenching his neck to look at Adne. “Sorry. Uh . . . okay, G
chord.”
“Don’t worry; you’ll
get the hang of it.” She rested her chin on his
shoulder.
I followed Connor
out of the dining hall, a burning knot occupying the place my
stomach used to be.
“You hanging in
there, kiddo?” He glanced at me as we climbed the stairs. “Pretty
big changes happening in your life.”
I rolled my
shoulders back, not certain how to take his question. “Why do you
care?” I regretted my harsh tone, but I was still bristling from
watching Adne wrap herself around Shay at the table. Plus hanging
out with Connor was like riding a roller coaster: I didn’t know
whether he’d be making inappropriate comments or asking thoughtful
questions. The Searchers were giving me emotional
whiplash.
“You know you will
have to trust us . . . eventually,” he said.
I flashed my teeth
at him rather than giving him a true smile.
“Eventually.”
“Fair enough,” he
said, pausing at the door to my room. “Sweet dreams,
alpha.”
“Thanks,” I said,
and pushed the door open.
I didn’t bother
turning on the light; instead I collapsed on the bed and stared at
the dark sky above, my mind too frantic for sleep to be a real
possibility. Nonetheless, I still felt sapped, weary. But the ache
was deeper than that.
I’m lonely.
Until that moment I
hadn’t realized that in truth, I’d never been alone. I’d always had
the pack, no matter what challenges life had thrown my way. In
their absence I felt lost, utterly without purpose. I’d run from
Vail to save Shay but also to save my friends. Now that choice
seemed less like a solution and more like an ephemeral hope that
moved further and further away from materializing.
What am I doing here?
I rolled over on the
bed, burying my face in a pillow, and closed my eyes. The room was
a little cold, but I didn’t bother to pull the thick down comforter
over me. The uncomfortable chill that crept along my limbs further
fed my disconsolate spirit. My body tensed, but I didn’t stir when
I heard the door open and then quietly click shut once more. I
caught the scent of sun-warmed grasses and clover. Shay’s gentle
footfalls crossed the room and then paused.
“I know you’re
awake, Calla.”
I sighed, flipping
over to face him.
“What happened to
your guitar lesson?” I sounded catty, and it only made me angrier
that Adne had so easily gotten under my skin.
“I wanted to make
sure you were okay.” He crawled across the bed.
I leaned away,
rolling onto my back.
“You left Adne all
alone? I think she was looking forward to teaching you.”
I think she was looking forward to more than
that.
“She had to go back
to Denver,” he said. “Silas showed up with a report for her to take
back to the outpost. But now that I’m here, it sounds like you’d
rather I left you all
alone.”
I couldn’t decide if
he sounded irritated or amused, so I didn’t answer. I let my eyes
wander back to the starry sky. Then the tiny, winking lights were
replaced by shadow as Shay moved close to me. My breath caught when
instead of stretching out beside me, he positioned his body over
mine. His weight pressed me down into the mattress.
“Shay.” I was
startled, but unafraid. “What are you doing?” My hands moved up to
his chest and kept his torso suspended just above me.
His fingers circled
my wrists, holding me down, preventing me from pushing him
off.
“No more hiding
behind your fear, Calla. No more running away,” he said. “You can
try to tear both of my hands off if you really want to. But I am
going to kiss you now.”
I swallowed as I
took in the bright, confident gleam in his eye. He had no fear of
me. Even through the light clasp of his fingers, I could feel the
depth of his strength; it was surprising and enticing. He no longer
approached me with the trepidation he’d had as a human; now he was
a Guardian. And not only that, but the Scion: he would bear the
Elemental Cross. A weapon the likes of which the world had never
seen. He was a true warrior. My equal. Perhaps more. My lips curved
in a smile when I realized that Shay’s vulnerability, which had
first provoked me to save his life, had ebbed away and was replaced
by iron strength that matched his fierce, unrepentant will. He no
longer needed me to be his protector, but he still wanted me. The
expression etched on his face was hungry, full of the need to know
that I wanted him too. And I did.
I’m free now. I love him. There isn’t any reason to
stop.
He released my
wrists, waiting, watching me. I didn’t push him away but let my
hands rest against the hard muscles of his chest. He bent toward me
and I slid my arms around his neck, my fingers twining in the soft
curls of his hair. Then his lips were on mine, parting them
gently.
Shay’s kiss held the
promise of that freedom I’d longed for. Sweet and tender like the
first green shoots that push up to find the spring sun. I closed my
eyes and let pure sensation wash over me. Honey and clover. Soft,
warm rain filling my mouth, pouring over my body. He was brilliant
sunlight that drove away winter’s chill.
His body pressed
harder into mine, and I wrapped my legs around him. A low sound
somewhere between a groan and a growl slipped from his throat. His
kisses lingered, exploring my mouth, each caress drawing more
desire from deep inside me. My hands moved along his back, feeling
the strength in his shoulders, wanting to know more of him. He slid
his hands beneath my shirt, stroking the bare skin of my stomach,
and began to move up slowly. My blood was on fire.
I pulled my shirt up
over my shoulders and tossed it away. I felt every inch of Shay’s
body suddenly tighten as his eyes took me in. I slipped my own
hands under his shirt, my fingers moving not up but down, finding
the buttons of his jeans, toying with them, wanting to go further
but not certain I should. He leaned down, kissing me hard. I moved
against him, needing to be closer to him, hating the remaining
clothing that separated us. My fingers undid the first button of
his jeans and slipped down to the next. My breath came in gasps at
the scorching trail his hands made as they slid over my
skin.
“Calla,” he murmured
against my lips. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do
this.”
Something about his
words made me falter, like I’d tripped in the darkness and was
suddenly falling, falling. And then it wasn’t Shay above me, but
Ren. His dark eyes gleamed in the dim light of the room, his hands
slipping over my skin. Just let me kiss you,
Calla. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to.
It was as though an
icy wind swept through the room. The fire licking my skin was
smothered, replaced by hollow cold. I shuddered and my stomach
lurched. I began to shake my head.
“What’s wrong?”
Shay’s hands paused.
“Stop.” My fists
came up to his chest, and this time I pushed him away hard enough
that he backed off, startled. I closed my eyes, grabbing my shirt
off the floor, no longer able to look at him. “I
can’t.”
My entire body shook
so violently I could barely pull my shirt back on. The dark chasm
that resided in my chest roared to life, sucking my brief calm into
its yawning oblivion. I hated myself for pulling away from him,
knowing I wanted Shay, loved him. Why can’t I
let go of the past? What is wrong with me?
Alarm filled his
voice. “What happened? You’ve gone white.” He tried to pull me into
his arms, but I scrambled from the bed.
“I’m sorry,” I
mumbled, unable to further vocalize the sudden conflict of impulses
that tore through me. I clasped my hands against my chest. Unbidden
but instinctively my fingers traced the surface of Ren’s
ring.
Ren’s voice filled
my ears. Tell me you’ll come back for the
pack. For me.
It felt like the
room was spinning. I’d left him behind. He’d risked everything for
me, and this was how I was repaying him. By giving myself to
someone else when I was promised to him. What
am I doing here? With people who have always been my enemies? I
belong with my pack. The fire in my veins turned to ice as I
realized I wasn’t free. I wouldn’t be free until my pack was safe.
A part of me was a prisoner to the fear that I’d sentenced them to
a terrible fate.
“Calla, what is it?”
Shay stepped toward me, but both our heads snapped around at the
sudden banging on the door. In the next moment, it flew open and
Adne burst in.
“Calla!” Her eyes
were wild. “We have to go back to Denver now!”
“What’s wrong,
Adne?” Shay rushed to her side. “An attack? The
Keepers?”
“No.” She stared at
him for a moment as if shocked to find him in my room. She shook
off her surprise, turning back to me. “Ethan took down a Guardian
out on patrol.”
“A Guardian?” My
heart began to pound as I saw the terrified sparks in her
gaze.
Her voice trembled.
“He says he’s your brother.”