NINE
SHAY HAD FALLEN SILENT as we left the room. I didn’t
know whether I should talk to him, touch him. How would I feel if
I’d just found out my only living “relative” was actually some sort
of demon lord?
My skin crawled.
We’d learned too many truths, turned over rocks that I wished still
hid the ugliness beneath them. I’d known my masters were cruel, but
now I had to face their real nature: the Keepers didn’t just use
the forces of the Nether, they’d willingly bound themselves to its
darkness. That shadowy world bore creatures that brought only
suffering, and its horrors were the very source of the Keepers’
power. A power I’d spent my life fighting to protect.
I walked forward,
forcing my stubborn body onward. I wanted to curl in on myself,
close my eyes, and dream the truth away. I wished Bryn were here to
talk about it—I was sure she’d find some way to tease me. Her jokes
had always countered my doubts. Her bright laughter eased my
tension when I had to make tough calls as an alpha. The image of
her smiling face sent guilt spiraling through me. Where was she
now? Had the Keepers hurt her?
“You should get some
rest,” Connor said. “I’ll take you back to your
rooms.”
“I know the way,”
Shay said, wrapping his fingers around my upper arm. “We don’t need
an escort.”
“Hush, boy,” Connor
said. “You’re still our guest here. Show a little
respect.”
“Boy?” Shay
bristled; his grip on my arm verged on painful. “You’re only three
years older than I am.”
Connor squared his
shoulders, his hand resting on his sword hilt. “I’m betting I’ve
seen a lot more than you could stomach. Scion or not.”
I could see where
this was going. “Stop it, both of you.” We were all exhausted and
on edge.
“She’s right,” Adne
said. “We’ve had a rough enough time as it is. We don’t need you
bloodying each other up as the grand finale to a sucky
day.”
“Ain’t that the
truth.” Connor’s hand hadn’t left his sword hilt.
I tried to quell my
own irritation by examining the crystal veins that rippled through
the walls. Even in the halls, now lit only by the gentle flicker of
sconces at regular intervals, the patterns gave off a subtle gleam.
As we walked, the colors of Tordis, like icy spiderwebs covering
the walls, became rose and pale yellow. The intricate weave of
multi-hued lights began to twitch and shudder. Soon scarlet and
blazing orange were jumping along the walls around us as if we’d
walked into a furnace.
The colors weren’t
the only thing that had changed. The air around us warmed, but
rather than comforting me, it made me uneasy. I sneezed, shaking my
head to ward off a new, strange odor at the same moment that Shay’s
nose wrinkled.
“What is that?” he asked.
The invisible
concoction assaulting my nostrils had familiar components—black
pepper, sage, clove, and cedar—but the combination of scents was
overwhelming. My eyes burned and watered. The warmth pouring over
my skin began to itch—an unpleasant sensation like tiny gnats were
biting me. Shay growled, scratching at his arms.
“Oh.” Connor cast a
sidelong glance at us. “We probably should have cut back through
the courtyard.”
Shay began to cough
and glared accusingly at Connor.
“Don’t worry,” Adne
said. “We’re almost past it.”
“Past what?” I
cupped my hands over my nose and mouth, but I was coughing too, as
if I’d inhaled smoke.
“This is Pyralis,
and we’re passing their Apothecary,” Adne said, gesturing to a set
of double doors that resembled those of Haldis Tactical, only the
triangles carved into the Apothecary’s doors were plain, with their
tips pointing upward.
“Sorry,” Connor
muttered. “I didn’t realize it would affect you.”
“Why isn’t it
bothering you two?” I asked, taking shallow breaths though since
we’d passed the doors, the acrid scents had begun to
fade.
“The Apothecary
creates our enchantments—the compounds we use to make our weapons
more effective against . . .” Adne winced when she looked at
me.
“Guardians.”
I ran my tongue
along sharpening canines.
“Enchanted bolts; hope you’re enjoying the ride.”
It was a good thing Ethan had stayed at Purgatory. Had he been
walking alongside me, when memories of the Searchers’ venom snaking
through my veins made my chest throb, I wouldn’t have been able to
resist ripping a chunk out of his arm.
“Yeah,” Connor
added. “You should steer clear of Pyralis. It’s never going to be a
pleasant place for you to visit.”
“Thanks for the
tip,” Shay muttered, releasing the collar of his shirt, which he’d
pulled up like a tent over his nose.
I knew we’d reached
Haldis when the fiery shades ceased flickering in the walls and
became the gently waving dark hues found only deep in the soil. The
burning fumes of Pyralis had vanished. I took deep breaths,
enjoying the way the clear air soothed my stinging chest. The
itchiness subsided, though both Shay and I had red scratches
running up and down our arms as souvenirs from our brief trip past
the Apothecary.
“So each of the
wings reflects its elemental source?” I asked. “Earth, air, fire,
and water?”
Having seen the
other three wings, I wondered what the water section of the Academy
was like.
“Yep,” Adne
said.
“Pretty, isn’t it?”
Connor asked. “Nice place to call home.”
“Thank you.” Adne
grinned at him over her shoulder.
“Huh?” I
frowned.
Connor laughed. “The
Weavers pull the threads through the building. But Adne just
decided to take all the credit.”
The tension in my
shoulders eased a bit at the sound of his laughter; I knew that
Connor was returning to himself. The instant effect of his teasing
made it obvious how much his fatalistic humor could be an asset to
his allies. Even if it was often irritating.
“Threads?” Shay
asked.
“It’s the key to how
we move the Academy,” she said, rubbing her temples. “But honestly,
my head is just pounding. Can I awe you with my mad skills another
time?”
She’d come to a stop
in front of a door. “This is you, Calla.”
Connor spared me a
sly smile. “I’m right down the hall if you have nightmares,
she-wolf. Bed’s big enough to share as long as you don’t bite . . .
hard.”
I grabbed Shay
before he could lunge at Connor.
“You really need to
lighten up,” Connor growled, shaking his head at Shay’s balled
fists.
“God, Connor,” Adne
groaned. “Headache, remember? Could you put the commentary on hold
for tonight?”
“Sorry.”
I was stunned. He’d
never apologized for his jokes before. Connor went to her, pushing
wisps of hair away from her eyes. “You should get some
sleep.”
“It’s not late
enough to go to bed.” I thought I saw her shudder. “Even if it was,
I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight.”
“We can talk, then,”
he said. All evidence of his puckish humor had
vanished.
She looked up at
him, silent for several heartbeats, and then nodded.
“You can find your
room, Shay?” Connor asked, not taking his eyes off
Adne.
“I’m pretty sure I
already said that,” Shay said. “Like ten minutes ago.”
“Uh-huh.” Connor put
his arm around Adne’s shoulders, leading her farther down the
hall.
I watched them walk
away, puzzling over the roller-coaster ride of their
interactions.
The sound of Shay
clearing his throat pulled my thoughts away from Connor and Adne’s
strange relationship.
“Where’s your room?”
I asked.
He shoved his hands
in his pockets, glancing down the hall but not meeting my gaze.
“It’s just next door, but I thought maybe . . .”
My pulse jumped and
then my cheeks flamed as Connor’s comment replayed in my
head.
“You want to come
in?” I asked.
He smiled, raising
hopeful eyes to meet mine.
I took his hand,
knowing he could feel my heartbeat racing through my veins the
moment our fingers touched. My bedroom was dark, but I could make
out the bed, a writing desk, and a few upholstered chairs. The room
looked like a cross between a dormitory and a luxury hotel. Not
bad.
But where should I
go? I’d stumbled into unfamiliar territory. Shay and I were alone
and we didn’t have to hide. In this place there was no one to catch
us. We were safe . . . in theory. My limbs were trembling, full of
desire and the freedom of possibility.
Do I lead him to the bed? Is that too fast? Should I be
coy? Man, I suck at this.
Shay stepped behind
me. His arms encircled my waist and he drew me back against the
curve of his body.
The warmth that
filled me when his kiss moved along my neck sent silken tendrils
through my limbs. I leaned back against him, relief flooding me. My
body eased, each muscle relaxing. We were alone, no longer under
the scrutiny of the Searchers—who despite their welcome still left
me uneasy. Even if I wasn’t completely comfortable with this new
arrangement, at least I was still alive. Shay was still alive. I
breathed in the realization that we were safe, for
now.
I closed my eyes as
his hands moved slowly over my body. Even through his clothes I
could feel the warmth of his skin. It was incredibly
soothing.
“So what do you
think?” he asked. “About the Searchers? They’re the good guys from
what I can tell.”
“Looks like.” I
shifted slightly in his arms. “It’s weird—but they kind of remind
me of Guardians.”
“That makes sense to
me. You’re both warriors. And you make sacrifices because of the
war.” He pulled back the collar of my shirt, and his lips touched
the top of my shoulder.
“Sacrifices.” I
shivered at the light brush of his mouth on my skin, suddenly
thinking of Lydia. Of Mr. Selby. What did they think they’d given
their lives for? There was still so much I didn’t know about the
Searchers.
“They’re incredible
fighters,” I said, my mind flashing back to the eastern slope.
“Even if they aren’t wolves.”
“Sometimes being
human has advantages,” Shay said.
“Like
when?”
“Like if we were
both wolves right now, I’d only be able to lick you.”
I laughed, trying to
turn to face him, but he held me still.
He kissed the
underside of my jaw. “See, much better than licking.” The sudden
speed of my heart and flood of heat through my veins told me it was
much, much better.
His lips brushed my
ear once again while his hands slid over my hips, molding me
against him. “I’m sure we could come up with other things that
would be better too.”
I turned before he
could stop me, tilting my face toward his, eager for his lips to
meet mine. When they did, it was like a flaming arrow scorched its
path into the core of my body. He kept the kiss light, teasing. The
gentle strokes of his mouth on mine made me ache, hungry for more
of him. I twisted my fingers in the soft curls of his hair, pulling
him into a deeper kiss. I took his lower lip between my teeth, and
I heard a rumbling growl of pleasure in his chest. One of his hands
pressed against the small of my back while the other slipped
beneath my shirt, caressing, exploring.
“I missed you,” he
whispered, kissing me again. “So much.”
“Me too,” I said,
almost gasping as his lips moved along my jaw. My skin came alive
under his fingers, every touch an electric crackle through my
veins.
He laughed, and I
managed to catch my breath long enough to ask, “This is funny to
you?”
“No,” he murmured
against my lips. “It’s just that this outfit is much easier to deal
with than that chastity contraption you had on the last time we
were kissing.”
I shivered as his
fingers emphasized his observation.
“You mean my wedding
dress?” I tried to focus on getting coherent words out. “These are
more comfortable, but it’s a little weird to be wearing my enemies’
clothes.”
“They aren’t your
enemies anymore. And it’s a good look for you.” He smiled against
my mouth. “I especially like those tight leather pants.” His hands
moved again and my legs threatened to give out.
“Do you want to pick
up where we left off in my room?” he asked. “I mean, where we left
off before we had to run for our
lives?”
My heart fluttered,
but another voice echoed in my mind. A voice from when we’d been
running for our lives.
Do you love him? Ren’s words swirled around me,
filling my ears. I had to close my eyes against the sound of it,
struggling against the storm of feelings that assaulted
me.
This is only about love.
His rich voice
sounded so close, so real. My eyes snapped open and I almost
expected to see the alpha standing there: espresso dark hair,
sparkling charcoal eyes, teasing smile, lips parted to greet
me.
Hey, Lily.
But only tall leaded
windows stared back at me from the room’s outer wall.
With some reluctance
I pulled out of Shay’s embrace. Why does this
keep happening? I couldn’t escape memories of Ren. They were
only getting stronger.
“I don’t think we
should.” My voice was hoarse and my limbs still trembled, but I
didn’t know if it was from the lingering effects of Shay’s touch or
the unexpected vision of Ren that intruded on us.
He sighed as he
watched me move away from him.
“What’s
wrong?”
I didn’t want to
tell him, so I grabbed for the other thought that nagged me. “The
fight today was hard. Lydia died so I could make it back. She died
for me. It’s hard to believe that the Searchers don’t hate
me.”
“I think Ethan hates
you,” Shay offered with a grimace.
“The feeling is
mutual.” I smiled ruefully. “I meant the rest of them. Monroe’s
reserved but never angry. Connor’s actually pretty
great.”
“I see.” Shay
gritted his teeth.
“Not like
that,” I muttered. “Just funny and
nice. You know, like Adne.”
I let an edge
accompany her name. Two could play the jealousy card.
He either didn’t
notice or ignored it. “Yeah, she is
great. I spent the whole week with her.”
“Doing what?” I
asked, catching a growl before it left my throat.
“Aw, you’re cute
when you’re jealous.” He stroked my cheek, snatching his fingers
away when I playfully snapped at them. “You know I only have eyes
for you.”
“Right.” I laughed,
but a snarl still lingered in the sound.
“Seriously.” The
warmth in his voice drew my eyes to his. When he leaned forward and
kissed the tip of my nose, I melted, knowing he meant
it.
“Adne just showed me
around,” he said. “We did some training. They’re really big on that
here—the training.”
“What kind of
training?” I ran my fingers over his shoulder, along his arm,
lingering on his taut muscles.
“Combat,” he
replied, his jaw tightening. I felt his biceps flex under my
hand.
“Oh,” I said.
“What’s it like?”
He laughed sharply.
“I know how to fight better, I guess.”
“You were already
pretty good before,” I offered.
“You should see me
now, baby.” He grinned.
“Don’t ever call me
that again,” I said. “Or you’ll need those combat
skills.”
“Right,” he said,
holding up his hands in mock surrender. “No belittling pet names.
I’ve sort of been learning about the Academy and how Searchers are
trained, but as far as the future or what I’m supposed to do, I’m
still blind and dumb.”
“Shay . . . why
didn’t you show them Haldis until today?” Something about that
secret bothered me, but I couldn’t quite pin down
what.
“I didn’t want to
give them anything until I knew I could trust them. Until you came
back,” he said, sending a spike of warmth beneath my skin that
curled low in my body. “I think I do now.”
“So you and the
Searchers have been giving each other the silent
treatment?”
“Pretty much.” He
laughed. “I wanted to be sure they meant it about the alliance with
Guardians, that they weren’t going to hurt you once you woke
up.”
“Thanks for that,” I
said, but it was still surprising that he’d deceived them. “Shay,
you knew that we were going to try to find my pack. Why didn’t you
stop us?”
“You wanted to go,”
he protested, but I knew he was dodging me.
“All I could think
about was getting to them,” I said. “It didn’t even occur to me
that the patrols would have stopped . . . not until we couldn’t
find them.”
Shay didn’t manage
to hide the twitch of a smile.
“You knew,” I
snarled. “You knew we wouldn’t find them.”
“I didn’t know,” he
said. “I guessed.”
“Why didn’t you say
anything?” My surprise became anger. Two people were dead. “My
alpha instincts took over when I was hunting for Ansel and the
others. I couldn’t think about anything else. You should
have.”
“I wanted you to be
safe,” he said, his shoulders tensing. “I thought you could prove
your worth to the Searchers without actually running into
trouble.”
“We ran into plenty
of trouble,” I snarled, furious that he’d thought he could protect
me and that he’d tried to do so by lying. “People died. Good
people.”
“I know,” he said
quickly, and I could see he was becoming as angry as I was. “And
I’m sorry for that. Calla, I didn’t say anything because I thought
there wouldn’t be wolves near Haldis. How could I have known they’d
be waiting for you?”
Because it’s what we do best. I bit my tongue, not
wanting to lash out at him anymore. Tears burned in my eyes and
weariness settled deep in my bones, making them ache. I walked to
the bed and sat down. It wasn’t just the Searchers’ losses that
tore at me. My own disappointment pressed down on my chest, a
painful, heavy weight. I’d barreled into that mission because I’d
hoped so much to reunite with my pack. Now I didn’t know what would
happen, how we’d ever find them.
I slid down on the
mattress, resting my head among pillows. A few lonely tears slipped
along my cheeks as I closed my eyes. The bed caved beneath Shay’s
weight when he stretched out beside me. His lips touched the back
of my neck, but I wasn’t with him in the room anymore. I was back
in Vail, with my pack. Facing Emile today hadn’t just shown me what
I was up against—it had reminded me of what I’d lost. I despised
the Bane alpha, but I didn’t hate his son.
Come to beg forgiveness? I think you may find it’s too
late.
Running had granted
me freedom, but Ren was still in Vail. And he’d lied to help us
escape. How had Emile reacted to that betrayal? What kind of
forgiveness would the Keepers offer Ren, if any? Was he even
alive?
Shay’s fingers slid
over my hip, drawing me back against him.
“Stop, Shay. Don’t.”
My voice quaked as I rolled away from him. “I just . . . I
can’t.”
I wanted him, but
the flood of emotions pouring into me made me restless,
uneasy.
He slid his arm
around my waist. “Why not?”
It took me a moment
to speak. “You know why.”
A low growl
slithered from his throat. “He’s not here, you know. Your union,
the alpha stuff, all of that—it’s over. You don’t have to keep
acting like he has some kind of hold on you. I just wish you
would—”
Shay didn’t know how
wrong he was. Ren was here; somehow he was still with me, haunting
my every move. Union or no, as alphas we’d had a fierce bond. It
had always been there since the first day I’d met him and our union
had been announced. That connection, that loyalty still tied me to
Vail, and to him. The only thing that had made me question whether
Ren and I were meant to be together was this boy who now lay beside
me. And I wasn’t sure I knew what that meant.
Shay was silent, but
I could feel his angry eyes boring into the back of my
head.
“I don’t get it,” he
said. “You’re free now, Cal. You want this.”
He was right. I did
want this, but my own desires weren’t the only thing that compelled
me.
“No, I’m not. Not
really.” I sighed, flipping over to look at him. “I’m sorry, but
until I know that my pack is safe, I don’t want to make any more
choices that make me feel like I’ve abandoned them.”
As soon as the words
were out, I knew how true they were. It wasn’t just Ren haunting
me; it was the choices I’d made.
His mouth cut into a
thin, sharp line. “Loving me is betraying your pack? Even after
everything that’s happened, you’d still consider becoming Ren’s
mate for their sakes?”
“I—I don’t know.”
And I realized that I really didn’t know what I was going to do. I
tried to make my voice coaxing. “With everything that’s going on,
don’t you think it’s better if we keep things neutral? We have more
important stuff to deal with than you, me, and Ren.
Right?”
Even as I spoke, my
fingers found Ren’s ring, tracing the shape of the
band.
Shay’s pale green
eyes hardened into agates. “More important stuff?”
“Like saving the
world? This war we’re supposed to win for the Searchers? I’d call
that important.” I’d tried to laugh along with the words but failed
miserably.
Shay wasn’t laughing
either. “Completely. Separate. Issues.”
“I know.” I couldn’t
hold his gaze any longer. “It’s just. Okay—you’re not going to like
this.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he
said. “I just want you to tell me the truth.”
What if I don’t know the truth? What if my feelings slip
through my fingers like water every time I try to grab hold of
them?
“It’s not over,” I
barely managed to whisper.
“What’s not
over?”
“Me and
Ren.”
“How can you say
that?” he asked. “And why do you keep fidgeting?”
My heart froze when
his eyes settled on my hand. “What is that?”
“Nothing.” I tried
to shove my hand beneath a pillow, but he grabbed it and stared at
the gleaming metal and deep blue sapphire.
“Calla.” He spoke
slowly. “What is this?”
I cleared my throat,
trying to stay calm despite my pounding heart. “It’s a
ring.”
“A ring.” When he
touched the braided white gold band, I snatched my hand
away.
“He gave this to
you.” I felt his entire body tense against mine and I heard him
snarl. “Didn’t he?”
I nodded. For a
moment I thought he would shift forms and bite me.
“When?” he asked,
his eyes still hard.
“The night of the
union.”
“Take it
off.”
“What?” I pulled a
pillow in front of me like a shield.
“Take it off,” he
said again. “Why would you still wear a ring he gave
you?”
“I don’t—” I choked
out the words. “If I took it off, I might lose it.”
“So?”
I didn’t answer,
dropping my gaze.
“So when you say
it’s not over between you and Ren, do you mean you’re still engaged
to him? Is that why you’re wearing his ring?” He sounded calm, but
I knew he wasn’t. I could smell the torrent of emotions rolling off
him. His anger swirled between us thick as wood smoke, and beneath
that something else. My chest cramped when I recognized the subtle,
bittersweet scent of grief—dust and wilting roses.
“That’s not what I
mean . . . but I can’t be with you. Not like this.” My voice was
shaking. “When he’s back there and God knows what is happening to
him. To all of them. Shay, we left them
behind. How can we think about anything else? I can’t. I
just can’t.”
“But that doesn’t
mean—”
“No.”
“Screw this.” He
rolled off the bed. “Go to sleep, Calla. I won’t bother you any
more tonight.”
My stomach knotted
as he walked away. I fought the desire to run after him and instead
rolled onto my back, staring at the twinkling stars I could see
through the glass ceiling and hoping that at some point sheer
exhaustion would drive me to sleep.
I ran from Vail and that may have changed everything, but
I still don’t know where I belong.