Mutiny
‘I’m not paying,’ announced Mr Digby
angrily, waving the bill I had hurriedly written out for the
rewiring and replumbing job. ‘I specifically said plastic piping.’
It was the following morning, and Mr Digby
had turned up as soon as we had opened the office.
‘We don’t work in plastic,’ announced Full
Price.
‘We don’t work in plastic,’ I
repeated.
‘Listen,’ said the man, whose patience was
deserting him rapidly, ‘if I ask a plumber to replumb the house and
I specify plastic, then that’s what you’ll use. I pay the bills, I
call the shots.’
‘If you understood how sorcery works, you
would know that long-chain polymers do not react as well—’
‘Don’t try to blind me with your voodoo
science!’
‘Very well,’ I said with a sigh, ‘I’ll
instruct my people to remove all the plumbing immediately.’
‘No you won’t!’ said Mr Digby angrily. ‘If I
catch you on my property I’ll call the police!’
I stared up at the red-faced individual and
wondered whether the sorcerer’s code of ethics couldn’t be relaxed
for just a moment; I thought our irate customer would make a fine
warthog.
‘I’ll meet you halfway.’
He grumbled for a bit as Price rose in
disgust and walked out of the door.
‘The more you do this,’ I said, altering the
total on the bill and recalculating the VAT, ‘the fewer sorcerers
there will be to do this sort of work. The next time you want any
plumbing done you’ll have to get a builder in and tear all the
plaster off the wall.’
‘What do I care?’ sneered the man selfishly.
‘The job is done.’
He stormed out and Price came back in. He
wasn’t very happy.
‘It took us only half a day to do his house,
Jennifer. An army of plumbers couldn’t do it that fast and I got a
splitting headache to boot. We should have taken him to
court.’
I got up and placed the cheque he had
written in the cash tin.
‘You know as well as I do the courts rarely
side with the Mystical Arts. All he has to do is invoke the 1739
Bewitching Act and you could end up on a ducking stool – or
something worse. Is that what you want?’
Full Price sighed.
‘I’m sorry, Jennifer. It just makes me so
mad.’
The phone rang and Tiger picked it up.
‘Hello,’ he said, ‘Kazam Mystical Arts
Management, can I help you?’
There was a pause.
‘No, I’m sorry, madam, we can’t turn people
into toads. It’s usually permanent and highly
unethical . . . no, not even for cash. Thank
you.’
At that moment, Lady Mawgon strode in with
Moobin close behind. She didn’t look too happy – furious,
actually.
‘I’ve explained about Mr Digby to Full
Price,’ I said, feeling mildly nervous. Mr Zambini had been gone
six months, and although I had so far avoided any arguments, they
would eventually happen, I knew it – and, as likely as not, they
would come from Mawgon.
‘We’re not here about that,’ said Lady
Mawgon, and I noticed several other Zambini Tower residents at the
door. Some were on the active list, like Kevin Zipp, and others
not, like the Sisters Karamazov. There were also ones I hadn’t seen
for a while, such as Monty Vanguard the Sound Manipulator, and an
old and very craggy sorceress who looked as though she were half
tortoise – long-retired eleventh-floorers, the pair of them.
‘What can I help you with, then?’
‘Am I to understand,’ began Lady Mawgon,
trembling with indignation, ‘that Mr Trimble of the ConStuff Land
Development Agency offered Kazam two million moolah for the precise
time of the Dragondeath?’
‘He did, and I said I’d think about
it.’
‘Isn’t that the sort of decision that we
should all make in the absence of Mr
Zambini?’ asked Lady Mawgon.
‘Two million moolah is a lot of moolah,’
added Price.
‘And could pay for all our retirements,’ put in Monty Vanguard.
‘I’m not sure the deal is still on the
table,’ I said, trying to stall for time.
‘Mr Trimble just called me,’ said Lady
Mawgon. ‘The deal is definitely still
on.’
‘Listen,’ I said, suddenly feeling hot all
over, ‘we don’t know for sure the Dragondeath is going to happen.
The link between magic and Dragons is not proven, but there’s not a
sorcerer in the building who doesn’t believe it’s there. There’s a
whiff of Big Magic in the air, and I don’t think we should be
cashing in on the Dragondeath – it’s just not what we do.’
‘Who are you to decide what it is we do?’
demanded Lady Mawgon imperiously. ‘Try as you might, you cannot be
Mr Zambini, and never will be – you are simply a foundling who got
lucky.’
Several of the other sorcerers winced. None
of them would have gone that far. Lady
Mawgon was making it personal, which it wasn’t.
‘If he’s going to die anyway it’s free
cash,’ remarked Full Price, trying to calm the situation down, ‘and
if the Big Magic goes the wrong way we’ll have lost out
completely.’
‘The way through is clear,’ announced Lady
Mawgon, even though it wasn’t. ‘We want the cheque and the time and
date.’
But I wasn’t yet done.
‘We all know how premonitions work,’ I said,
swallowing down my anger at the ‘foundling got lucky’ jibe, ‘and
they’ll sometimes come true only by the burden of our expectation.
If we sell the time and date, then the Dragon may die whether he
was meant to or not. If Big Magic goes the wrong way, as Price
suggests, then we may have exchanged magic for cash. I’m not sold
on that, and I think many will agree. Everyone is here at Zambini
Towers because of what they are or what they have been. And I think
that counts for something.’
There was a pause. Sorcerers liked cash as
much as the next person, but they liked honour and their calling
better.
‘This is all conjecture,’ remarked Monty
Vanguard.
‘What in sorcery isn’t?’ added Full
Price.
‘There’s no conjecture in a cosy retirement
guaranteed,’ said the half-tortoise from the eleventh floor,
speaking for the first time.
We all stood there in silence for a moment,
so I thought I should act. I took Trimble’s unsigned cheque from
the cash tin and laid it on the desk.
‘Randolph, fourteenth Earl of Pembridge,
told me Dragondeath Sunday at noon,’ I said, feeling a thumping
pulse in my temples. ‘As Lady Mawgon has so graphically pointed
out, you don’t need me to make the decision for you, and no, I’m
not Mr Zambini and we don’t know when or if he’s coming back. But
as long as my name is Jennifer Strange I won’t help ConStuff profit
by Maltcassion’s death. And what’s more,’ I went on, my anger
suddenly making me impetuous, ‘you can find a new acting head of
Kazam if you do. I’ll work out the rest of my servitude helping
Unstable Mabel and mucking out the Mysterious X when he has another
one of his episodes.’
There was silence when I’d finished, and
they all looked at one another uneasily. Powerful they might be,
but when things get bad, even sorcerers need leadership.
‘I think we should put it to a vote,’ said
Moobin.
‘There won’t be a vote,’ said Lady Mawgon,
reaching for the cheque. ‘Our path has never been so clear.’
‘Touch that cheque without a vote and I’ll
newt you,’ said Moobin.
It was quite a threat. Being changed into a
newt was a spell a wizard would only use as a last resort. It was
irreversible and technically murder. But Lady Mawgon thought he was
bluffing. After all, it took a lot of power to newt someone.
‘Your days of newting were over long ago,’
she said.
‘Lead into gold, Lady Mawgon, lead into
gold.’
Wizard Moobin and Lady Mawgon stared at each
other, not wanting to make the first move. Spells were never
instantaneous, and required a modicum of hand movements. The thing
was, whoever made the first move was the aggressor. If you moved
first and newted someone, you were a murderer. Move last and it was
self-defence. There was silence in the room as the two of them
continued to stare at one another, hardly daring to blink. A week
ago this would have been a hollow threat, and even though neither
of them had newted anyone for decades, the increased background
wizidrical energy and the fact that it was early morning meant that
such a thing was possible.
The Remarkable Kevin Zipp broke the
stand-off.
‘No one’s going to newt anyone.’
Mawgon and Moobin looked mildly relieved at
Zipp’s pronouncement. After all, neither of them wanted to be a
murderer – the punishment is particularly nasty.
‘How strong was the premonition?’ I
asked.
‘Oh, it wasn’t a premonition,’ he confessed
with a grin. ‘I was just listening in to Master Prawn’s phone
conversation.’
We all turned to look at Tiger as he placed
the handset back on its cradle.
‘That was the news desk at the UKBC,’ he
said. ‘I just told them the time and date of the
Dragondeath.’
‘You did what?’
He repeated himself to a shocked silence in
the room, and then added: ‘The information is out in the public
domain, so ConStuff have no advantage. The deal is dead.’
‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ remarked
Wizard Moobin.
‘Well, I did,’ he said, taking a deep
breath. ‘You can newt me if you like, but Dragons are noble
creatures – my conscience is clear.’
‘I’ll make you wish you’d never been born!’
screeched Lady Mawgon, and pointed a long bony finger in his
direction. Tiger didn’t even blink.
‘I’m a foundling,’ he said simply, ‘I often
wish I’d never been born.’
Lady Mawgon paused, lowered her finger and
then strode from the room with a loud cry of ‘Foundlings,
bah!’
The others filed out soon after as there was
nothing more to be done, and they all glared daggers at Tiger as
they went, until only he and I were left.
‘That was a stupid thing to do,’ I said,
‘stupid, but brave.’
‘You and me both, Miss Strange. You were
going to resign over it, and I wasn’t going to let that
happen.’
He stared up at me with a look of hot
indignation, and a clear sense of right and wrong. Mother Zenobia
had been right. This one was special. But I couldn’t be angry with
him, and couldn’t go without punishing him either – it should have
been put to a vote, despite my personal viewpoint.
‘I’ll deal with you when I get back,’ I
said, picking up my car keys and whistling for the Quarkbeast.
‘Keep an eye on the phones and stay away from Lady Mawgon.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘To find out what we’re dealing with
here.’
‘ConStuff?’
‘No – Dragons.’