CHAPTER 7

EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.

At 9:00 AM, Farmington’s bus station was com pletely vacant except for Madeleine, Lulu, Theo, their respective parents, and Garrison. Seated alone on a pew, Garrison quietly read his baseball magazine in an attempt to ignore Madeleine’s ogling. Mr. and Mrs. Masterson stood next to Madeleine, trying their best to breathe regularly as she sprayed copious amounts of repellent. The Punchalowers, seated in the pew across from Garrison, maintained severe expressions while Lulu focused on Theo’s quivering cheeks. Lulu found it indefensible to cry in public. She was a Punchalower and Punchalowers didn’t cry. As a matter of fact, she wasn’t even sure they had tear ducts.

The bus station’s arched wooden door creaked open with the guttural growl of a feral cat. All four children turned, expectantly waiting to see the next School of Fear student arrive. Their eyes focused on the dark brown cowboy boots before moving up to khaki slacks and finally stopping on an obscenely large gun holster. Theo’s heart beat fast, as it always did, in the presence of a deadly weapon. On the verge of screaming, he noticed a shiny badge on the man’s chest; this was the sheriff. He was approximately forty-five years old with a long moustache that hung over his mouth. As if preparing for a speech, the sheriff cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention.

“Hello, I’m Sheriff John McAllister, Farmington’s law enforcement, dog trainer, and driver for the town’s only car service. I will be escorting the four of you to School of Fear’s campus a few miles out. As stated in the brochure, parents are not allowed to accompany students to the campus, so you are going to need to say your goodbyes here.”

“Hey Sheriff,” Garrison said while raising his hand, “will we be driving over any water? Or next to it?”

“Son, I have been made aware of all of your situations and have taken precautions so that each of you will have an enjoyable journey.”

“Would anyone object to a covering of bug repellent in the automobile?”

“I assume, miss, that you are Madeleine Masterson — fear of spiders, insects, and generally anything that crawls.”

“That is most accurate, sir.”

“As long as no one else objects, you are more than welcome to spray away. It’s the white van out front.”

“Are we waiting on other students?” Lulu asked hopefully.

“Today’s trip is only the four of you. Remember, you must leave all electronic equipment such as cell phones, computers, BlackBerries, Sidekicks, pagers, Game Boys, et cetera with your parents.”

Theo opened his mouth, then scrunched his face in a silent howl while frantically clinging to his mother’s leg. Life without a cell phone meant being completely removed from all that he held dear, and he simply couldn’t stand for that. Theo was many things, but a passive observer of life was not one of them.

“Mom, please let me keep my cell phone. I will put it on silent and hide it from them. This man is suspicious, don’t you think? He looks a lot like that guy we saw on the FBI’s most wanted list at the post office. Actually, on second glance, it is him! I’d recognize those child-hating eyes anywhere. I’ll distract him while you get the car. Go!”

“For Heaven’s sake, Theo, he’s the sheriff!”

“That’s his cover — smart, isn’t it? But not smart enough to fool us. Let’s get out of here.”

“You are not going anywhere.”

“Don’t you remember the poster? We are in the presence of a certified class-A maniac who tortures chubby kids with glasses.”

“I don’t remember the poster mentioning anything about chubby kids with glasses.”

“We don’t have time to debate this; we need to hit the road. Seriously, we should have left three seconds ago!”

“Your imagination is out of control.”

“Some say imagination, others say psychic vision. Are you really willing to take that chance on your youngest, most sensitive son?”

“I’m pretty sure we ruled out all psychic abilities after the Yosemite trip. Now listen carefully, you aren’t getting out of this, do you understand me?”

“Then show some mercy, woman! Let me keep my cell phone!”

Theo’s plump face was fraught with desperation and anxiety. Mrs. Bartholomew wanted to appease his frantic mind, but she couldn’t. The application to School of Fear was explicit about adhering to the rules and restrictions. It clearly stated that any child found in possession of contraband would face immediate expulsion without refund and possible legal action from the offices of Munchauser and Son. Moreover, if Theo were ever to lead a normal life, he needed to face his fears. Mrs. Bartholomew would never forgive herself if she impeded his treatment by allowing a cell phone.

“I’m sorry, Theo, but I can’t let you take the cell phone.”

Parked directly in front of the station was the sheriff’s large white van with massive black rubber bumpers along the sides and a rusted metal hook on its roof. It more closely resembled a bumper car than a normal passenger van. Madeleine and her father climbed into the vehicle and began the extermination. Mr. Masterson covered his face with his shirt and prayed that this was the last time he would ever have to exterminate anything again.

Standing outside the van, Lulu made claims on the window seat across from the sliding door. She often fretted about being trapped during a car accident and, therefore, preferred to sit near an exit. Garrison stared at Theo madly gripping his mother’s leg, his face awash in tears. Sure, Garrison was afraid of water, but crying like a baby was something he, much as Lulu, couldn’t understand. A horrific desire to extol Theo on the rules of life, NBA and NFL specifically, abounded as he watched the boy blubber.

“Don’t worry, young man; the sheriff has assured me that there is no water on the way to the school. Apparently he is taking a route that avoids even the faintest view of the river,” Mrs. Masterson said, unknowingly breaking Garrison’s concentration on Theo.

Mr. Masterson and Madeleine had nearly finished with the van when they came across a rotund brown-and-white English bulldog on the floor of the driver’s seat. Madeleine gasped, stirring the dog, who then stared at the young girl with saggy eyes and a pronounced under bite.

“Sheriff, it appears a dog has snuck into the car,” Madeleine announced in her proper British accent.

“That’s Mrs. Wellington’s dog, Macaroni; he’s here to check your bags.”

“The dog’s name is Macaroni?” Lulu scoffed.

“Yeah, Macaroni was part of a pair, but Cheese died last year.”

“She had dogs named Macaroni and Cheese?” Garrison said. “Weird.”

“Line up your bags. Macaroni will be sniffing for electronics,” the sheriff announced.

Theo’s small face twitched with alarm and apprehension as his mother placed his brown leather satchel next to the others. The bag had been a gift from his father for his tenth birthday, something Theo had wanted for ages. Yet today as Theo stared at the expensive satchel, he felt nothing but horror.

Then something occurred to Theo. Why had he never heard of an electronics-sniffing dog? Why weren’t airports using them? Maybe this was all an elaborate ruse to trick the students into dumping their electronic ties to the outside world.

Macaroni waddled over to Madeleine’s gray-and-black plaid bag and began sniffing leisurely, making his way from the top to the bottom. Macaroni employed an audible sniff, channeling all his energy into each inhalation. He toddled away from Madeleine’s luggage, paused, and then returned to it. He performed one last long sniff before approaching Garrison’s white nylon backpack with a Miami Heat logo. Macaroni inspected Garrison’s bag at record speed; apparently, nylon is a much easier material to scrutinize. However, Macaroni did lick the bag with his wide purple tongue.

Understandably, Garrison frowned before proclaiming, “Gross.”

Macaroni continued his rapid inspection pace with Lulu’s green canvas sack. He managed to sniff his way from left to right and top to bottom in under a minute flat. And even better, he didn’t feel the need to use his tongue. Now only Theo’s academic leather satchel remained. Macaroni abandoned his fast pace, instead employing a thorough inhalation of each square inch of the bag. Five, then ten minutes passed as Macaroni sniffed and licked.

Theo felt his nerves ease, realizing that an electronics-smelling dog was patently absurd. He paused, thinking how awfully foolish and gullible of him it was to believe such a story. The portly old dog couldn’t smell a bowl of batteries if it was under his nose. As Theo broke into a smile, Macaroni stopped to stare at the boy ominously. Theo’s nerves cracked like an old piece of chewing gum as the sheriff unzipped the leather bag and Macaroni plunged headfirst. Seconds later, the dog emerged with a black sock in his drool-infested mouth.

“This dog clearly has no credibility. He’s fishing out socks,” Theo bellowed, walking toward the dog with his hand extended.

Mere inches from the sock, the sheriff’s arm swooped in and grabbed the garment. He quickly reached into the sock and pulled out a sleek black cell phone. All eyes turned to Theo, who immediately threw his hands up in the air.

“I’ve been set up,” Theo said spectacularly.

“Theo?” Mrs. Bartholomew asked incredulously.

“Mom, I don’t know what kind of a scam these people are trying to pull, but we should leave,” Theo said seriously.

“I am only going to ask you this once. Where did you get that phone?”

“This is a setup. The so-called sheriff and the dog are behind it… .” Theo trailed off before relenting under his mother’s unsympathetic gaze. “It’s unreasonable to spend an entire summer without a phone. People need phones. It’s as natural as water or air!”

“I’m truly sorry, Sheriff. I don’t know where he got that cell phone. I already confiscated his personal one,” Mrs. Bartholomew explained, ignoring Theo entirely.

“The black market! That’s where you forced me to go,” Theo said angrily.

“You bought this on the street?”

“Well, not technically. But in spirit, yes.”

“Theo?” Mrs. Bartholomew pressed on with mounting irritation.

“Fine. I got it off eBay, but it’s still dangerous.”

“For Heaven’s sake, Theo,” Mrs. Bartholomew said with embarrassment.

Without any further ado, Madeleine lifted her veil, kissed her parents on the cheek, and entered the van. She took the left seat in the back row, pulled down her veil, and sprayed a circle around her feet. Without anyone to say goodbye to, Garrison quickly followed Madeleine, taking the seat on the right.

Lulu turned to her parents, unsure how to say goodbye. Mr. Punchalower set the tone by releasing his left hand from his BlackBerry for a cordial handshake. Lulu rolled her eyes, shook his hand, and approached her rigid mother. Lulu believed that her mother secretly longed to hug her but couldn’t in front of her father. Whether true or not, that’s what Lulu told herself as she held her mother’s cold and bony hand.

Once Lulu was seated, Theo hugged his mother, gulped down tears, and stepped into the van. His overt lack of drama surprised everyone, even Theo. Perhaps this journey would offer him a chance to mature. Just as soon as the thought crossed Theo’s mind, he smashed his face against the window and howled. Clearly, maturity would have to wait.