CHAPTER 27

EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Cynophobia is the fear of dogs.

The end of the forest came faster than Madeleine, Theo, Lulu, and Garrison had expected, releasing them into the powerful morning sunshine. The cobblestone road continued, surrounded by fields of tall grass with only the occasional tree. However lovely the sunshine felt on the foursome’s faces, it also represented defeat to them.

In the dim light of the forest, retrieving Macaroni still felt possible, even highly plausible. However, now as they carried on toward Farmington they felt the gap had grown too wide. By the time they reached town, Munchauser would probably have officially registered himself as Macaroni’s guardian, leaving Schmidty in the cold. Garrison more than the others felt a particularly heavy burden, having been singled out by Schmidty to help him protect Macaroni.

Garrison led the moping brigade through curves, twists, and turns as they continued toward Farmington. While they were sure they had to be getting close to the small town, they hadn’t seen any signs. So when Theo spotted a small brick house a few yards off the road, the group erupted in relief. Perhaps someone could drive them to town, giving them more than enough time to catch up with Munchauser.

Theo was thrilled at the concept of not only saving Macaroni but also eating something. He was beyond famished. In truth, he almost didn’t say that he saw the brick house for fear that it was a hunger hallucination.

“I bet they have repellent!” Madeleine screamed with delight as she ran behind Theo.

“And sandwiches!”

“What joy, repellent and sandwiches,” Lulu replied in her usual tone.

“Listen, guys, let me do the talking. We need to get to town as fast as possible, and I don’t want us com-peting to tell a thousand different versions of the story.”

Lulu, Madeleine, and Theo nodded as they approached the small brick house with blue shutters on it. Garrison leaped up the stairs to ring the doorbell next to the hand-painted sign that said THE KNAPPS. Theo and Madeleine busied themselves looking in the front window while Lulu joined Garrison on the porch.

A minute passed and no one came to the door. Garrison rang the bell again, praying for someone to answer. Another minute passed and still no one came to the door.

“I don’t think anyone’s home,” Garrison called out to Theo and Madeleine.

At that moment, Madeleine did a very un-Madeleine-like thing. She stepped onto the flowerbed, crushing yellow tulips, and began banging on the glass window.

“We see you! We see you! Open this door right now! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, hiding from small children in need of help! Absolutely shameful!”

Theo, who couldn’t actually see anything from his position on the ground, joined in enthusiastically. He was never one to pass on theatrics.

“You people are rotten! We are sweet children in need of help! And sandwiches!”

On the floor of the living room, attempting to hide from the children, were a man and a woman in their early thirties. Dressed in similar preppy yellow sweaters, the smiling couple finally stood up and answered the door. By now Madeleine had pushed past Garrison, who was unsuccessfully trying to pick the lock on the front door, to tackle the role of group spokesperson.

“What kind of evil people hide from children?” Madeleine said while shoving the couple aside and stepping into the living room.

“Sorry about that, little lady; we thought you were orphans looking to find parents, and you see we really don’t want any children,” Mr. Knapp said awkwardly.

“Since when do orphans sell themselves door to door like Girl Scout cookies?” Madeleine huffed.

“Maddie, we don’t have time for this. We need to get to town,” Garrison explained calmly. “Look, we don’t care why you didn’t want to open the door. Can you drive us to town? It’s sort of an emergency.”

“We would love to help,” Mrs. Knapp said cheerily.

“Thank you,” Garrison said while breathing a sigh of relief.

“But we can’t,” she continued. “Our car has no gas in it.”

“Thank heavens you don’t have any children. What kind of irresponsible people let their car run out of gas?” Theo asked.

“Then let us use your phone,” Garrison said with a desperate expression.

“Sorry, little lad,” Mr. Knapp said, “can’t do that either.”

“I don’t believe you,” Garrison quickly retorted.

“Take a look for yourself,” the man continued, pointing to the severed phone cords.

The cords were sliced neatly but were covered in grimy fingerprints. Almost immediately, Garrison knew Munchauser had been to the house. Rational people wouldn’t sever their own phone lines.

“Did an ugly man and a large dog covered in green moss stop by here?” Garrison said seriously, completely ignoring the outrageous content of his statement.

“This is Massachusetts, not Mars,” Mrs. Knapp said with an annoyingly chipper smile. “There aren’t any green people here.”

“Then who cut the phone cords?” Garrison prodded.

“I did,” Mr. Knapp explained. “I felt we were becoming too dependent on talking to other people, so I cut the phone lines. Now if that’s all, we really need to get back to talking to each other.”

“You swear you haven’t seen a man and a dog?” Garrison asked.

“Yes, we swear,” Mrs. Knapp said with her default gregarious expression.

“Fine,” Garrison said, defeated.

As the foursome turned to leave the strange couple’s living room, Madeleine spotted something that simply was not right. A green cat.

“Why, you evil, despicable, lying people!” Madeleine railed into them. “I have half a mind to wash your mouths out with soap!”

“Maddie, what are you doing?” Garrison screamed at her.

“If they haven’t seen Munchauser or Macaroni, why is their cat green?” Madeleine screamed, instantly sending Mrs. Knapp into waterworks.

“I’m sorry, that man threatened to kidnap our poodle Jeffrey if we didn’t lie to you,” Mr. Knapp explained. “He’s in the bathroom with a really chunky bulldog and Jeffrey.”

“Absolutely shameful,” Madeleine continued.

“J-Jeffrey, our poodle,” Mrs. Knapp blubbered, “he’s like our child. I’m so sorry.”

Through the living room window, Garrison spotted Munchauser, still covered in fungus, pulling Macaroni through a window into the backyard.

“There he is!” Garrison screamed while running for the back door.

“Don’t let him hurt Jeffrey!” Mrs. Knapp screamed.

Madeleine, Theo, and Lulu took off after Garrison while the couple started for the bathroom, desperate to retrieve Jeffrey the poodle.

Munchauser ran as fast as possible with a big green bulldog in his arms and nervously looking behind himself every few seconds. It was during one of those rearview moments when Munchauser discovered that his footing had drastically changed. The man was sinking. He had walked onto a pool covering. As the flimsy plastic cover ripped beneath the giant man’s feet, he lost control of Macaroni, dropping him through the hole in the tarp. Ever the coward, with disaster near at hand, Munchauser continued to run, slightly faster now that he didn’t have a bulldog in tow.

Garrison, closest to the pool, realized that Macaroni was drowning beneath the cover. Without thinking, he jumped through the hole and into the water. It wasn’t a decision as much as it was a reaction. His instincts told him to save Macaroni, so that’s what Garrison proceeded to do.

It wasn’t until Garrison’s body became submerged in the cool water that he remembered he couldn’t swim. As he started to sink, Garrison spotted Macaroni doing the doggy paddle, quite literally. Of course as dogs are natural swimmers, Macaroni would be fine. He just needed someone to wipe the remaining moss from his face. Unfortunately, Garrison wouldn’t be so lucky.

Garrison flailed violently, submerging much of the pool cover in his attempt to stay afloat. Theo nearly landed on top of Garrison when he heroically, but not gracefully, leaped to his friend’s aid. He wrapped his arms around the gasping boy and deftly pulled him to the edge of the pool. Theo boosted Garrison up, and Lulu and Madeleine lifted him out of the water, as his now red face panted for air.

“It’s okay, Garrison,” Madeleine’s said soothingly, “you’re going to be just fine. We have you.”

Garrison wanted to say thank you, but he couldn’t speak; he was still coughing up pool water. So instead, he just looked at his friends and smiled.

“Gary’s alive! Gary’s alive!” Theo chanted happily.

“Just because you saved my life, doesn’t mean you can call me Gary.”

“Does Jeffrey really need to be in his car seat?” Lulu huffed as Mr. and Mrs. Knapp took a painstakingly long time to secure the furry brown poodle in his specially crafted canine seat belt.

“It’s bad enough you made us wait to remove the fungus from his fur. We’re losing precious time!” Garrison snapped with agitation.

“Would you let your baby ride in the car without a seat belt, knowing that any abrupt stop could send him flying through the windshield?” Mrs. Knapp said dramatically.

“If you like, we have an extra seat belt for your bulldog. It may be a little snug, but I think he can squeeze in there,” Mr. Knapp said generously.

“We don’t have time!” Garrison exploded. “We need to get to the sheriff.”

“Do you know what the sheriff always says?” Mrs. Knapp asked Garrison with an annoyingly sincere smile.

“No,” he relented under her well-brushed pearly whites.

“Buckle up, it’s the law!”

“Yeah, for people! Not dogs!” Lulu jumped in.

“Maybe she’s right,” Theo blubbered. “I would hate to come this far and lose Mac in some silly traffic accident. Not to mention, he’s pretty heavy. He could really hurt someone, flying through the car.”

“Finally someone with a little common sense,” Mrs. Knapp said with an undue amount of satisfaction. “Darling, go get the other seat belt,” she instructed her husband before turning back to the children. “It will only take a second.”

Mrs. Knapp greatly underestimated the level of difficulty and time required to shove a dog the size of a jumbo pumpkin into a car seat built for a dog with the dimensions of a cantaloupe. By the time Macaroni was fully buckled in, flab exploding from all sides, he looked more like an origami assignment gone wrong than a dog.

“Are you absolutely certain that the seat belt is helping Macaroni?” Madeleine asked. “He looks terribly uncomfortable.”

“No one ever said safety was comfortable,” Mrs. Knapp explained with a sigh.

“I’ve been saying that for years,” Theo said while shaking his head.

Lulu and Theo surrounded Macaroni in the backseat while Madeleine and Garrison were forced to sit in the far back of the Knapps’ Suburban. Not surprisingly Jeffrey sat between the Knapps in the front seat. Mrs. Knapp hand-fed the poodle bits of cheese, which she refused to share with Theo, as Mr. Knapp pulled out of the driveway.

“What are you doing?” Lulu hollered from the backseat. “You’re turning the wrong way.”

“No, I’m not. I’ve lived here seven years; I should know which way town is,” Mr. Knapp said confidently.

“Actually, darling,” Mrs. Knapp said softly, “I think she’s right.”

“No, darling, I’m right,” Mr. Knapp said aggressively.

“But the forest’s ahead,” Mrs. Knapp continued.

“Why am I never right?” Mr. Knapp huffed while banging his fists on the steering wheel.

As Mr. Knapp started the laborious forty-seven-point turn necessary to turn around, the car remained utterly silent. Well, except for Macaroni’s light growls of discomfort.

“So was that a rhetorical question?” Theo said to Mr. Knapp. “Or do you actually want to know why you’re never right? ’Cause I have some ideas.”

The cold stare in the rearview mirror said it all. Theo nodded while silently planning to campaign for the elimination of rhetorical questions at school this fall. They seemed to cause a lot of problems.

By the time the Suburban pulled up in front of the sheriff’s office in Farmington, Macaroni resembled a bulging pretzel. Never had a dog been so happy to get out of a car. After all he had been through that day, one got the feeling that the ten-minute car ride was the most painful.

“Should we wait for you?” Mr. Knapp offered the foursome as they slammed the back door shut.

“Absolutely not,” Lulu answered first.

“And she means that in the most gracious way possible,” Madeleine added. “We know you must be anxious to get Jeffrey back home.”

“Well, I am a bit concerned that Jeffrey’s showing signs of” — Mrs. Knapp stopped to cover Jeffrey’s ears and whispered — “low self-esteem on account of Munchauser passing him over for a bulldog, of all breeds.”

As the Suburban rolled away, Mrs. Knapp grabbed Jeffrey’s paw and waved goodbye to the foursome.

The children waved back obligingly, when Lulu could have sworn she saw Macaroni roll his eyes.