Twenty-Seven

Lowering her hands, she began darting around the room. Some of her clothes lay scattered on the floor and others were strewn across the bed. In blind panic she ran around the bedroom, grabbing her belongings and throwing them in her suitcase. She had to get away as quickly as possible. Away from this house and the truth she now knew: that her schoolgirl crush had led John on to the point where he’d believed it was all right to go into her bedroom; that it wasn’t rape, but what she’d wanted.

With tears streaming down her face she kicked off her slippers and threw them in the case. She grabbed her hairbrush and cosmetic purse and dumped them in too. A knock sounded on the door. ‘Go away,’ she cried. ‘Leave me alone. I’ll be gone soon.’

‘Mandy.’ It was Evelyn. ‘Please, can I come in?’

‘No!’

Dragging the zip round to close the case, she heaved it to the floor. The door opened and Evelyn came in. ‘Get out!’ Mandy shrieked.

Evelyn didn’t get out but continued across the room towards her. She had something in her hand. ‘Mandy, listen, please. Give me one chance to explain, then if you still want to go I’ll call a taxi.’ She took another step and stopped.

Mandy looked at her and was about to say no again, grab her case and escape past her, never to return. But something in her look – in her pained and haunted air; something in the pathetic way she now offered up what she held made Mandy hesitate. ‘Mandy, please look at this,’ she said.

Mandy heard her desperation and took the photograph. She recognized it immediately. It was a snapshot from that Saturday afternoon, when they’d had visitors – the visitors Evelyn now said were John’s brother Jimmy with his wife and children.

‘I took that photograph,’ Evelyn said,‘which is why I’m not in it. John usually took all the photos so he wasn’t in many of them. I said it would be nice to have one of him with his brother and his family.’ She gave a tight smile. ‘Little did I know it would be the last photograph of us all together. Little did I know what Jimmy had in mind as I took it.’ Her lip trembled.

Mandy looked at Evelyn and then again at the photograph. John was posing with Jimmy on one side of him and Jimmy’s wife on the other. Mandy was next to Jimmy, and Jimmy’s two small children stood either side of Sarah at the front. Everyone was smiling, the sky was blue, and the swings and slide could be seen in the background.

‘Mandy, look closely at John and Jimmy,’ Evelyn said. Mandy looked, and fear crept up her spine. ‘John and Jimmy were only fourteen months apart in age,’ Evelyn continued, ‘and were often mistaken for twins. They were the same height, had the same brown hair and very similar features. Except Jimmy always had a moustache and John never had one, ever. Mandy, I know you remember the attack but in the dark and the terror of being woken you were mistaken about your attacker. Think back. You cried out for help and Sarah heard and came in. She saw Jimmy on top of you and screamed. Do you remember? Then I came and Jimmy fled past me. It was Jimmy who attacked you, not John, I promise you, love. We both saw him.’

Mandy continued to stare at the photograph. John and Jimmy: the same height and build, with features so similar they could easily pass as twins. Only Jimmy had a thick moustache and John didn’t. The moustache Mandy remembered scratching her cheek as he caught her off the slide, and then tearing at her mouth as he tried to kiss her that night, when she’d woken petrified to find him on top of her in the dark. She remembered Jimmy and how uncomfortable she’d felt around him even before that night. Her mouth went dry and her legs trembled as she recognized the truth in Evelyn’s words.

‘Do you remember now, Mandy?’ Evelyn was saying. ‘Do you remember?’

Mandy slowly nodded. She had gone cold and felt so weak. She sat on the bed. Evelyn sat next to her.

‘Your dad blamed us for not protecting you,’ Evelyn said, ‘and he was right to do so. But we were punished – we crucified ourselves with guilt. John disowned Jimmy that night and we’ve had no contact with him or his family since. But, Mandy, while your father was right to blame us – we should have seen the warning signs and protected you – he was wrong to simply cut us off and not talk about it. You can’t bury something like that. It’s not healthy.’

‘I know,’ Mandy said quietly. ‘I know.’

They were silent for some moments. Evelyn placed her hand lightly on Mandy’s arm and they both gazed at the photograph she still held. A small weight began to lift from Mandy’s shoulders – the truth was out and she wasn’t in any way to blame. She’d never encouraged Jimmy, consciously or otherwise, by having a crush on him; far from it, she’d always shied away from him and had kept her distance. She could now remember other times when he’d kissed her cheek, his moustache scratching, or tickled her for too long, or patted her bottom, or winked suggestively when no one was looking: the warning signs Evelyn had referred to. She also remembered how she’d recoiled from his advances. No, she wasn’t to blame for the attack, and her relief was enormous.

‘What happened to Jimmy?’ she asked at length, handing back the photograph. ‘Was he prosecuted?’

Evelyn shook her head and slid the photograph into her dressinggown pocket. ‘Your father didn’t want the police involved. He thought being interviewed and having to give evidence would cause you even more upset. He wanted you to forget it and move on with your life – he thought that was best. Mandy, I would be lying if I said we weren’t relieved. It wouldn’t have done us any good if we’d had to go to court and it was splashed over the local newspapers, nor John’s business. And I was relieved that Sarah wouldn’t have to give evidence, which would have been very upsetting for her.’

‘So that was it? Matter finished?’ Mandy asked, upset that it had all been brushed away so easily.

Evelyn nodded. ‘Although you did see a doctor the following day.’

‘And?’

‘I don’t know the details but I understand it had stopped short of rape. Which confirmed to your father that he needn’t go to the police.’

Mandy gave a small cynical laugh.

‘I’m sorry, love,’ Evelyn said, taking Mandy’s hand between hers. ‘I really am. I’m sorry we didn’t protect you, sorry we lost you, and sorry you had to find out like this.’

Mandy looked at her aunt – so genuine and sincere in her apology, her heart went out to her. ‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she said quietly. ‘And I suppose Dad only did what he thought was best.’ She let out a small sigh. ‘The power of the mind. We didn’t speak of it, it wasn’t dealt with, so as far as I was concerned it didn’t happen. I wonder if I would have ever remembered if I hadn’t come back to this house?’

‘I think you would have remembered eventually,’ Evelyn said. ‘Something would have triggered a memory – a chance remark or a smell, then you would have asked a question.’ She paused. ‘When this is all over and you are home, I think it might be a good idea if you saw a counsellor.’

‘Why? Do you think I’m mad?’ Mandy asked with a small tight laugh.

‘No, far from it. I think you’ve coped incredibly well. But it’s often easier to talk to someone outside the family. Sarah saw a counsellor for a year after it had happened.’

‘Did she?’ Mandy asked, surprised.

Evelyn hesitated. ‘Yes. She was very distressed – by what she’d witnessed and also because she’d lost your friendship. You were so very close, like sisters.’

‘I know.’ But the irony didn’t escape her; that while Sarah, a witness to the assault, had received counselling, she, the victim, had not. ‘Mum and Dad need to start talking about it as well,’ Mandy said. ‘And Gran. It can’t have been easy for them keeping a lid on it all this time.’

‘No, indeed,’ Evelyn said sadly. ‘They’ve suffered badly.’

There was so much to think about, so much to consider now she knew, Mandy thought, it was overwhelming, and in some ways more frightening than not knowing. Slipping her hand from Evelyn’s, she moved away. ‘Will you explain to John before I come down?’

‘Of course.’

‘And if I get the chance, I’ll tell Grandpa I know, and that everything’s going to be all right.’

Evelyn smiled weakly. ‘That will be a great relief to him. Thank God it’s out in the open now and we can all stop pretending.’