At five o’clock Monday morning, I reached over and turned off my alarm. I supposed the bright side about not being able to sleep was not having to wake up to a loud buzzing sound. I looked at the unmoving lump in the covers next to me, the wisps of sandy curls that stuck out from beneath the blanket, and how I wished I could go back and change things. What I wouldn’t give to be able to erase the memory of Caroline’s tears, the absolutely brokenhearted wailing that had finally silenced into sleep sometime after midnight.
The day I chose to get rid of the bat, I had never imagined that this awful morning would come. If I could turn back the time, maybe I would have done things differently.
But even now, as I remembered the smell of sulfur from the moment when I struck the match against the side of the box, I could still feel my desperation. My son needed a chance, and I had to make certain he got one. Would I be able to make a different choice now?
I padded down the stairs and went into the kitchen. If this was going to be the last morning I spent with my daughter, then I was going to make it a breakfast to remember. I mixed pancake batter, scrambled eggs, put in a couple of extra pieces of bacon. Soon the entire house smelled like … well, like a happy home. It was amazing how the scents of favorite foods could have that effect. I realized that after this moment I would never smell bacon with the same affection I had for the last forty-five years. It would always remind me of this day. Of the end of everything.
I heard the clomp of Caroline’s footsteps coming down the stairs. She appeared in the kitchen a moment later, dressed in a red velvet jumper, white tights, and black patent shoes. This was not an outfit my tomboy would ever put on of her own free will. In fact, getting her to wear it to the Christmas Eve service had taken begging, pleading, and downright threats. “Don’t you look pretty.” I kept my tone noncommittal because I wasn’t sure exactly what she was up to, and I wanted to leave all my options open.
“Yep.” She sniffed the air. “Smells good. What did you make?”
“Come see.” I set a plate at her seat, and within seconds she had popped a piece of bacon in her mouth. “Mmm.”
I took a small bite of bacon, but it almost made me gag. Regret filled my stomach until there was no room for anything else.
“I figured I needed to look nice for the police station.” She said the words matter-of-factly, but she stared at me with all-out defiance in her eyes. She had made up her mind and had no plans to back down.
“Oh, sweetie.” I went to her and wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in the hair that still stood on end from a rough night’s sleep. “That makes me so happy to know that you would go with me if you could.”
“What do you mean, if I could? Of course I can. I’m coming with you, and that’s final.” Her use of the same words I often threw at her would have been comical had it not been so altogether heartbreaking.
“Sweetie, you can’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me today. I don’t think I could stand it if I didn’t know that you were safe at school, and then safely home with Daddy.”
She started crying, every bit as hard as she had last night. “Please don’t make me go to school today. Please, I want to go with you. Please let me go to the police station with you.” She wrapped both arms and legs around me. “You can’t leave me. I won’t let you.”
“Oh, honey.” I held her tight while my own tears poured over her. “I love you so much. I love you so much.” Somewhere during this, I ended up sitting on the floor with her in my lap, our arms woven around each other like a safety net—one we both knew would not be able to hold.
What had I done?
After a long time I pulled back. “Come on, let’s brush your hair and your teeth and then I’ll walk you to school.”
“I’m not going.” Her arms went around my neck again.
“You’ve got to, baby. You’ve got to. Don’t worry, though. Daddy will be there to pick you up when you get out.”
“I don’t want to stay with Daddy. I want to go with you.”
I reached up and pried her arms away from my neck, then stood up and away from her. It took more strength than I knew I possessed. “Come on, you’re already late.”
She grabbed for me, but I backed away and pointed toward the stairs. “Brush your hair and your teeth. Now!”
She burst into a fresh bout of tears and ran up the stairs. I wanted to follow her, to spend every available second with her, but I knew she’d be more likely to finish what she was supposed to do if I wasn’t in her line of sight. A couple of minutes later she came down the stairs, her hair slightly less tousled than before. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and looked up at me with a defiant look, but her lower jaw was trembling. “You said you’d walk me to school.”
I reached down and scooped her up into my arms, and proceeded to carry her the block and a half to school. She wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shoulder. I could sense the stares coming from the cars that were making the drop-off circuit through the parking lot, but I didn’t care. The two of us needed each other now, and there was nothing to be ashamed of in that.
The tardy bell rang with twenty yards still left to go, so I went straight to the office to sign her in. As soon as I signed on the appropriate line, I went to set her down. She started screaming. “I’m not staying, I’m not staying, I want to come with you.”
I knelt down at eye level. “Sweetie, I need you to be strong for me. You’re all in the world I’ve got left. I can’t make it if you won’t help me.”
The school secretary watched this scene unfold over the lenses of half-glasses. She stood from her desk. “Good morning, Caroline. Why don’t I walk you to your class?”
I nodded at my daughter and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “You need to go with her. I’ll see you soon.”
Caroline reached a trembling hand up and took the secretary’s, but she shuffled through the door still turned, still staring at me.