Thursday, just as I started making lunch after work, the phone rang.
“Hey, Mom, I was wondering … man … maybe this was a bad idea.” Kurt’s voice grew softer with every syllable, until I was pressing the phone hard against my ear just trying to understand him.
“Kurt?”
“Well, I’m driving down to Santa Barbara this afternoon to see Pamela. I thought you might want to come meet her.”
“Pamela?”
“The baby’s mother.”
“Oh.” It only now occurred to me that I’d never before thought to ask her name. In fact, I hadn’t asked anything about her at all. And suddenly I realized that, yes, I did want to meet her. And yet I didn’t. At least as long as there was doubt involved, I could pretend that she was using Kurt’s money for a decent place to live and good medical care. Knowing the reality might just be one more dark spot in my life. “I would love to meet her.”
“Good, I’ll be by at four o’clock.”
I pretended to do yard work while I waited for him to arrive, glancing up every few seconds. As it turned out, that was completely unnecessary, because I heard the creaking from the old hunk of metal before I actually saw the thing. I walked over to the opened driver’s side window. “Are you sure Pamela doesn’t mind if I come with you?”
He nodded. “I told her I was bringing you. Back when we were together, I used to talk about you a lot. I think she’s looking forward to meeting you.”
I wondered what Kurt might have said about me during his time away from home. Did he tell her that his own mother had given up on him? Did he tell her that I’d been so self-absorbed after his brother’s death that I forgot to notice that he wasn’t doing so well? “And she still wants to meet me?” I sort of halflaughed at this, like it was a joke, but it wasn’t.
“Of course. I told her you were the best mother in the world.”
“Best mother in the world seems a bit much. How about just best mom in Santa Barbara?”
“Nah, California at least.” He nodded toward the passenger seat. “Now climb aboard and we’ll be off.”
I looked at the black peeling vinyl and the sagging cushions of my intended location. “Hmm, why don’t we take my car?”
“Oh, come on, Mom, where’s your sense of adventure?” Even as he said the words, he turned off the ignition.
“There’s nothing wrong with my sense of adventure. It’s my backside I’m a little more concerned about.”
A few minutes later, I was pulling out of the driveway. When I got to the end of our street, I turned to him. “It suddenly occurs to me, I have no idea where we are going.”
“Oh right, I didn’t tell you that part, did I? Cottage Hospital.”
I kept my foot on the brake. “Cottage Hospital? Has she had the baby? I thought she was only about six months along.”
“She is, but I think I told you she’s had some medical issues. Her blood sugar has been out of whack, and I guess now they’re getting concerned about her blood pressure. I’m not really sure what all is going on, but that’s what we’re about to go find out, isn’t it?”
I drove toward the hospital growing more and more concerned about what I would find when I arrived. I knew that gestational diabetes was fairly common. I wasn’t so sure about the blood pressure. Was this because she’d been on drugs? Had she been using drugs when she was pregnant?
We rode an elevator up to the maternity ward and found her room. The head of her bed was slightly elevated, her long black hair fanned across the pillow, but her eyes were closed. I glanced at the television set on the wall, where the women from The View were arguing about whether six-year-olds should be allowed to bring their cell phones to school. I turned my attention back to Pamela. She was a beautiful girl. Fine cheekbones, smooth skin—skin that was definitely a bit pale, but she was in the hospital, after all.
“Pamela, we’re here.” Kurt touched her gently on her shoulder and she opened her eyes. She blinked a couple of times, then smiled up at him.
“Hey.” Then she looked toward me and straightened on her pillow. “Oh, hello.”
“Hi.” I started to extend my hand but wasn’t sure what protocol would be in the situation. Instead, I stayed planted at a close but safe distance and nodded. “Hello. I’m Alisa, Kurt’s mother.”
She smiled at me and nodded. “You’re just as beautiful as Kurt always said you were.”
I felt my cheeks grow hot; I don’t know why. But it was uncomfortable enough that I wanted to change the subject. “He’s always had the gift of overstatement.”
“Nuh-uh. Not when it comes to my mama.” He squeezed my shoulder, then went to sit on the edge of the bed. “What are the doctors saying?”
“I should get out of here first thing in the morning. Everything is stabilized, but I have to take it easy for the next few months. Not quite bed rest, but almost.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I already talked to my host family. They were great about it. I couldn’t believe it. Susie told me not to worry about it, that she would help me out as much as I needed helping.”
Kurt looked toward me. “Life Network set her up with a host family. She’s living with them until the baby is born.”
I looked at the girl on the bed and hoped that her host family would give her some of the guidance she needed. “Sounds like you found a nice family.”
She nodded. “The best.” She pointed toward a packet on the beside table. “Get that for me, will you, Kurt?”
He handed her the manila envelope, and she removed a few pieces of paper stapled together. She handed them to him and nodded toward me. “This is the family I think I’ve decided on. What do you think?”
I went to look at the smiling couple on the first page and gasped before I could stop myself.
Kurt looked at me. “What’s up?”
“That is Lori Radcliff’s daughter and her husband. I can’t think of their names.” I looked at the sheet of paper. “Oh yes, Rachel and Stefan Tuttle, that’s right. I know they’ve been struggling with infertility for years, but I wasn’t aware that they had begun looking for a child to adopt.”
Pamela looked at me, a hint of desperation in her eyes. “Are they nice people?”
I knew she needed the comfort of knowing that her child would be safe. I needed to know that, too, and while I didn’t know the couple very well, I knew the family. “I can’t think of any nicer. They would be a great choice.”
“Good.” She sat back and closed her eyes in relief, or exhaustion, I wasn’t sure.
Just then, a nurse in pink scrubs came walking into the room. “Time for your medicine.” She carried a white paper cup of pills in her hand.
Kurt stood. “We’ll be going. I just wanted to see that you were okay, and to let you meet my mother.”
Pamela opened her eyes and smiled up at me. “I’m so glad to have met you. Take good care of Kurt.”
Spontaneously, I reached down and squeezed her hand. “I will. You take good care of yourself.”
She squeezed back. “I plan to.”
As Kurt and I walked down the hallway toward the car, my mind was twisting in all sorts of new directions. “She could stay at our house. I could help her while she’s on bed rest.”
“Whoa there, easy, Mom.” He put his hands on both my shoulders and pulled back as if he were reining a horse.
“No, really.” I was already picturing the setup. “It would work. We could do this.”
He shook his head, his face suddenly serious. “I knew you’d say something like this, but that’s not where this is headed. Pamela and I, we aren’t … I’m just trying to do the right thing for her. As soon as the baby comes, Pamela plans to go back to Florida and live with her family, finish school, get a job. If she came to live with you, it would be that much harder to give the baby up for adoption, for all of us. It would not be the best decision for any of us.”
I knew that in many ways he was right, but there was plenty of argument left inside me. I’d wait and think it through before I stated my case again, though. “I’m so proud of you.” And I was. So proud. And at times like this, it was so obvious to me that I had done the right thing on the night I struck that match.