“Hey, Mom, since it’s Saturday, Uncle Monte let us knock off work early, and I thought I’d head down there in a few hours. Maybe around dinner. You game for a little motherson bonding?”
“I can’t think of anything better.” I still found myself amazed each time I heard my son’s voice like this. Clear, even, and happy. After so many years of slurring, stammering, and miserable, I had begun to wonder if I would ever live to hear this again. I had made the right decision that morning at the fireplace, I became more certain with each passing day. “But Caroline’s already here, so we’ll have to make it mother-son-and-daughter bonding.”
“Even better.” His voice sounded so upbeat. It reminded me of something or someone, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
“I’ll be there around four o’clock. That work?”
“Perfectly.”
After we got off the phone I hummed as I made a quick grocery list. Spaghetti had always been high on both Kurt’s and Caroline’s list, some salad and rolls, and maybe for tonight a pineapple upside-down cake. I hadn’t baked one in years, but Kurt had always loved them. I’d have to get some ice cream as a concession to Caroline, who hated anything that wasn’t chocolate.
As I drove toward the store, my enthusiasm wavered. Saturday. He wasn’t just coming down for bonding. This was the day he’d wanted the money.
I checked my watch. The banks would be open only another hour or two. Should I stop at the bank? Pretend I got there just after they closed? These questions turned over and over in my mind, but no clear answers came. “God, won’t you please tell me what I should do here?”
I’ve never been one of those people who hears the voice of God. But sometimes after I said a prayer like that, I’d get a little feeling, a niggling inside. Usually I attributed it to God’s quiet voice, although sometimes maybe it was just the answer I wanted to hear. No matter, because this time I heard nothing. Not a single tiny stirring inside me that pointed in either direction. Nada.
Before I had time to think better of it, I turned into the bank and pulled open the door. The young blonde behind the counter arched her eyebrow when she saw the check I’d written for cash. Two thousand dollars’ worth of cash. “I need some ID, please.” Her pink V-neck was cut a few inches lower than I considered decent, and she wore a large cocktail ring on each hand of white plastic fingernails.
I handed her my driver’s license, which she looked over carefully. She finally handed it back. “Two thousand dollars is a lot of money.”
The explanation that it was for my son made it as far as my tongue, but stopped before it crossed my lips. It was none of her business. “Yes, it is. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m in a hurry.”
She took her time counting out the money, stopping occasionally to straighten the gaudy orange-stoned ring on her right hand, looking up every couple hundred dollars. I’m not sure what she expected to see, but I had the distinct feeling that whatever it was, it would make me look guilty. Maybe she expected to see my accomplice, and hoped that somehow she’d be rewarded for stopping this evil withdrawal scheme. I don’t know, but it bothered me. Even though I was simply withdrawing my own money from my bank, I squirmed at her obvious doubt of my innocence.
How many times would someone look at Kurt and misjudge him because of his past? Someone whose judgment would truly matter to him, like teachers, employers, friends. That thought alone began to weight the decision in favor of giving him the cash. Still, I wouldn’t do it right away. I’d take my time and hold on to it for a little while, just to be certain.
Caroline was out the door and had wrapped herself around her brother’s legs before I even realized he was in the driveway. I ran down the steps two at a time, but there was no reason to have hurried. It was obvious by this point I was going to have to wait my turn. “Kurt, Kurt, Kurt.” She squeezed his legs and put her cheeks against his knees. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
He almost fell as he leaned over to try to return the hug. “Tell you what, Short Stuff, if you’ll let go of my legs and stand up, I’ll be able to give you a hug, too.”
She squeezed tight for a couple more seconds as if afraid that if she released him he would disappear. I understood exactly how she felt. Finally, she climbed to her feet and he picked her up and hugged her tight. This lasted only a few seconds until he said, “Wow, when did you get so big? I used to be able to carry you around all day. Now I’m thinking you’re heavier than all those gigantic tree limbs I’m dragging around for Uncle Monte.”
“It’s all that good ice cream that makes me grow so big.” She drew her arms so tightly around his neck I was afraid he couldn’t breathe.
He did manage to choke out a laugh. “Ice cream?”
She leaned back and smiled at him. “Yeah, mom tries to tell me it’s the broccoli she keeps putting on my plate, but you and me, we know better.”
“You and I,” I corrected out of sheer habit.
Kurt smiled over Caroline’s shoulder at me. “Well, there’s the eat-your-vegetables monster right there.”
He leaned forward to put Caroline down, but she wasn’t having any of it. She held on tight and dangled from his neck, even after he let go and had bent forward at a ninety-degree angle. “You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”
“You’re going to put me in the hospital with a thrown-out back if you don’t let go.”
“At least then I could come see you every day.”
Kurt straightened up at this comment. He looked down at her, then back at me, a shimmer of liquid at the bottom of his eyes. “Well, I guess if you’re willing to sacrifice my health to keep me around, I’ll just have to carry you up the stairs and into the house.”
She giggled. “That’s right.”
He carried her into the living room, and with one smooth motion managed to pull her arms free and launch her flying across the room and onto the couch. “There’s more than one way to get rid of parasites, you know.”
“I’m not a parasite.” She launched herself back at him, and before I could stop it, the two of them were wrestling on the floor. Arms and legs were flailing everywhere, and Caroline’s hysterical laughter could have been heard for at least a mile away.
“Okay, you two, knock it off before the police show up.”
The words were a joke, one I’d used dozens of times when the boys were being rowdy. A common joke in many households probably. Only at that moment, it wasn’t funny. I swallowed back the gasp that rose to my throat, and when I looked at Kurt, I could see the words pained him, too. Only Caroline remained oblivious and continued to thrash around like nothing had changed.
Kurt sat up and held out his arm to deflect the latest attack from his sister. “Okay, kiddo, that’s enough for now.” He stood up and looked at me, then drew me into a hug. “There now, it’s Mom’s turn for some Kurt love.”
“Me too.” Caroline threw her arms around both mine and Kurt’s waists. “Group hug.”
“Group hug it is.” Kurt and I both lowered our arms to include her.
After we were all hugged out, I looked down at Caroline. “I believe you have a little homework to finish up, don’t you?”
“Aw, Mom, Kurt’s here. I don’t want to do homework.”
“Well, I’ll be here for a while, so get it done now and I’ll take you on in a game of Battleship after dinner.”
“You’re on, except I want to play Guitar Hero.”
“Guitar Hero? I’m not sure I remember how to play.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll do fine.” She bounded up the stairs two at a time. I knew I would have to double-check the homework she was about to do, because in her haste, accuracy wouldn’t even be a consideration.
“So, come sit down. Tell me how things are going.”
He went to the refrigerator and pulled out a cream soda. “You want anything?”
“No thanks.”
“Things are good.” He pulled a glass out of the cupboard, filled it with ice, then came to sit at the kitchen table. He took a long sip, then looked at me. “It’s hard work up there. In fact, I’d say that working on a farm like that could convince a lot of kids who think they don’t want to go to college that maybe they do.”
“Yeah, I’ll just bet.” Of course, Kurt had always been college bound before he started using. Just like Nick. His grades maybe hadn’t been quite as high, but they were still exceptional. “Are your transcripts coming together?”
He nodded. “I should be able to start classes part-time next semester.”
“Why only part-time? Don’t you want to buckle down and get it done?”
“Sure, I’d like to, but you know that money is an issue for me right now. I can’t afford not to work full-time.”
I thought back to our plans for our boys. The deal had always been that as long as they were in school full-time, we would pay tuition, room, and board. I couldn’t think of any reason that would change now. The only thing different was that it had been delayed by a few years. I pulled the envelope out of my purse. “Well, here’s a start.”
He hugged me. “Thanks, Mom. You have no idea how much it means to me that you believe in me.”
“Of course I believe in you. I love you.”
“I love you, too. And you are the greatest mother ever.” He reached over and squeezed my hand.
“Maybe your father and I could help a little with tuition.”
“No, that wouldn’t be right. But … while we’re on the subject anyway …” He patted the envelope. “This is great, and I know it’s asking a lot, but I could use just a little more money.”
“How much more?”
He looked up at me, then back down. “Another grand.”
“Kurt, that’s not a little more money.”
“I know, and this will be the last time I ask. I’m just about to get everything squared away. Hopefully, after I get a couple of paychecks ahead, I can get a car I don’t have to put so much into. All these repair bills.” He was pulling at his eyelashes again.
I looked at my son, the one who had returned to me after years of being away. I thought of the future that would be his if I hadn’t destroyed that bat, and I realized I was just glad to have him here with me.
“Okay, I’ll see if I can get some money out of one of the CDs.” I knew there would likely be a penalty for early withdrawal, but I would figure it out somehow.
It wasn’t until long after Kurt left that night, when I was tossing and turning in my king-sized bed, that something dawned on me. Him pulling his eyelashes. I’d noticed it both times when he asked for money and remembered him doing it as a boy. But until now I had forgotten when he’d done it. It used to be an almost certain sign that he wasn’t telling the complete truth. And the tone in his voice when he said I was the greatest mother in the world. I knew that sound. The sound of a used car salesman—the kind that will tell you anything to make the sale. Is that what my son had become?