SIX

The weeks that followed the announcement of Jade's pregnancy filled Terry with both joy and guilt. House-hunting with Jade and planning his future around her and his unborn child filled him with a happiness he had forgotten existed. Lying to Billie Jo and deceiving her indoors made him feel like a complete and utter bastard.

Chelle had been extra nice recently and that had made the situation he was in even harder. If she was her usual, drunken, arrogant self, he could've handled it. Unfortunately for him, that wasn't the case and he felt a tinge of sorrow for the woman that he'd once loved and would shortly be walking away from.

His mother had returned to Ireland, to stay with her sister Bridie, and Terry was glad to be relieved of the burden. Unluckily for him, she'd promised to come back, for Christmas. He hadn't had the heart to say no, so he'd extended the offer to Bridie too. With a bit of luck they'd keep one another company and allow him a bit of leeway.

'All right, babe?' Terry let himself into the flat with his own key and was quickly dragged into the lounge by an excited Jade.

'Look at all this stuff, Tel. I've been shopping for the baby.'

Terry smiled at the furry pair of boots she was holding.

'They're all right, Jade, for a girl. If we have a boy, I'm telling you now, he ain't being dressed in any of that shit you keep buying. No son of mine is going to look like a fucking poof.'

Jade giggled at his words. He was such a man's man and she'd guessed his reaction even before he'd given it.

Winking at her, Terry pulled her close. With his hands firmly on her backside, he pressed himself against her.

'Let's go to bed, eh?'

Smiling, Jade took his hand and led him towards their love-nest.

After viewing several properties, Jade and Terry finally settled on a four-bedroom house in a little village called Stapleford Abbotts. Terry was overjoyed that it wasn't too far away. He'd been desperate to stay close to his business and hadn't wanted to drag Billie Jo too far away from her friends.

The area they had chosen met all of their requirements, so Terry had arranged a cash deal with the owner and had secured the place for a fair price. He temporarily stuck the property in Davey Mullins' name. He knew the shit was going to hit the fan and it was something else Chelle wouldn't be able to get her grubby paws on. Terry had told no one about the baby other than Dave, who could be trusted more than life itself. He knew his secret and his money that Dave was looking after for him were as safe as houses. After his divorce was over, Terry would put the house jointly into his and Jade's names.

As the nights darkened, he had the new house redecorated. They hadn't yet bought any furniture or moved anything into it as they didn't want it sitting empty with all their stuff inside. They had great plans for the room they'd chosen as the nursery. Jade was adamant that she didn't want to know the sex of the baby until it was born, therefore they planned to do it up after the birth.

Terry was desperate for the baby to be a boy to spare Billie's feelings and had convinced himself that it would be. Jade didn't care what sex the baby was, as long as it was healthy. Jade felt comfortable in her little flat and wanted to stay put until after the baby was born. Terry was pleased, as he didn't want her rattling about in the new house all on her own.

The only worry he had now was about Billie's re action when she found out Jade was pregnant and was going to be moving in with them. He expected her to throw a tantrum, but he hoped that once she'd got over the initial shock, she'd come round. This was another reason why he was praying for the baby to be a boy. He didn't want Billie's nose to be pushed out of joint if they had a little girl.

The plan was to move into the new house with Billie in July. A month later, he would gently break the news about the baby and Jade moving in.

Terry was dreading this year's festive season. The millennium was a fantastic excuse for Michelle to be comatose for at least a week. Terry had made no plans for the big event. He would rather stay indoors than suffer going out with Michelle. Every New Year's Eve she made a total cunt of herself and he was determined to take a rain-check on this particular celebration.

His mother was returning on Christmas Eve, along with his aunt. Unfortunately, his mum had only gone and invited his pisshead brother, John, to spend Christmas Day with them. Spending the day with one alcoholic was bad enough, but being saddled with two didn't bear thinking of. Terry just knew without a shadow of doubt that it was gonna be the Christmas from hell.

'What are you doing, Mum? Have you lost something?'

Billie Jo stood in the doorway of the spare room where her dad slept, wondering why her mum had it upside down.

'I've lost my credit cards and I think your dad had them in one of his pockets,' Chelle fibbed.

Smiling, Billie left her mum to it and went to the safety of her own room. She knew her mum was lying and sparks would shortly start to fly. Lying on her bed, Billie picked up her book and hoped that the tears and the Patsy Cline CD wouldn't ruin her evening.

Cursing herself for having been caught, Chelle took a sip of wine and carefully replaced Terry's clothes back into the wardrobe.

Plonking her oversized body onto the bed, she felt like crying with frustration. Every drawer she'd inspected. Every pocket of clothing the bastard owned she'd searched and found precisely nothing.

Well, she wasn't about to give up. Late tonight, he said he'd be home and Chelle was determined to find some evidence and answers before the wanderer returned.

Chelle was absolutely positive that he was up to no good. He was being too nice and when he didn't look guilty, he had a stupid grin plastered across his smarmy face. Things would be so much easier if she didn't still love him.

Wiping a tear from her eye, she topped up her glass. There was no time for sentimentality. Pulling out the underwear drawer, she fiercely emptied it onto the floor. She had to find something, anything, and she had to do it today. Once his sordid secrets were uncovered, she could dismember his meat and two veg and have great pleasure in frying them up for breakfast.

'Here we are, Tel. Pull up over there, on the drive.'

Doing as he was told, Terry smiled at Jade. He was nervous, as he was about to meet her parents for the very first time. He felt like a bloody teenager all over again.

It had been his idea that Jade return to Somerset for Christmas. He knew he'd be up to his neck with family stuff, and he couldn't bear the thought of Jade being alone in the flat.

Jade hadn't seen her parents for over two years. They had never truly forgiven her for running off abroad and leaving them and her ex-boyfriend, Tommy, in no-man's-land. Now that Jade was expecting their first grandchild, both parties had decided it was time to kiss and make up.

'Oh, Jade. It's so good to see you,' Mary said, kissing her daughter and politely shaking hands with Terry.

'Welcome to the family,' Lenny muttered, whilst standing awkwardly behind his wife's back.

Two cups of tea, a piece of fruitcake and an interrogation worthy of the regional crime squad later, Terry couldn't wait to bolt out of the door.

'I best be making tracks, Jade,' he said, standing up.

'You can't go yet,' Mary said, thrusting a fresh cream scone towards him.

'Jade tells us that you've been married once before, Terry?' Lenny enquired nosily.

'Yeah, I'm divorced,' Terry lied, glancing at Jade.

'May I ask how long you've been divorced?' Mary pried.

'Three years,' Terry replied, with the first thing that came into his head. He could hardly tell them the poxy truth, could he?

Tubbs and Crockett would love that, wouldn't they, him announcing that he was still living with the wildebeest.

Putting the half-eaten scone onto the plate, Terry stood up and grabbed his car keys.

'It's been lovely meeting you both. As much as I'd like to stay longer, I'm afraid I really have to go. My daughter that I spoke about, Billie Jo, is spending Christmas with me and I've promised to pick her up on the way home.'

'It was very nice to meet you,' Lenny and Mary replied in unison.

Walking out to the car with him, Jade held his hand.

'Well, that went well. It wasn't too bad for you, was it?'

'It was fine, babe,' Terry said, pulling her into his arms. Moving in for a kiss, he decided against it. Tubbs and Crockett were peering out of the window.

'I ain't kissing you while they're watching us.'

Jade squeezed his hands and smiled.

'They always used to watch me out of the window when I was a teenager, so don't take it personally. You get going, Tel. Try and ring me over the holiday. I'll leave my phone on day and night and whenever you get a chance, just ring.'

'I will, babe. You're welcome to ring me as well. Obviously, if I'm in the vicinity of the wildebeest, I'll switch it off, but other than that, you can ring at your peril.'

'I love you,' Jade said, as he started the engine.

Pressing the button to lower the window, Terry winked at her.

'I love you too, babe. I love every bone in that beautiful body of yours. Keep your chin up, eh. Remember, this time next year, it'll be me, you and the baby celebrating our first Christmas together.'

Waving, Jade tearfully watched him drive away. She was going to miss him dreadfully and it was going to be her worst Christmas ever. Putting on a brave face, she went inside to rejoin her parents.

Driving home, Terry mulled over the day's events. Her parents had been friendly enough towards him, but they just weren't his cup of tea. They were typical country folk and had reminded him of something from the TV programme The League of Gentlemen. He was half expecting them to look at him with a strange glint in their eye, while asking 'Are you a local person?' Terry drove out of Somerset, or Royston Vasey, as he'd nicknamed it, and headed back towards Essex as fast as the Range Rover would take him.

After locking up the car lot on Christmas Eve, Terry went into the local pub where he'd arranged to meet Davey Mullins. They headed over to a quiet table in the corner and sat down.

'What time shall we come over tomorrow, Tel?'

'Come about one. Chelle's meant to be cooking dinner, but I'll have a hundred pounds that Mum and Bridie end up doing the honours. I reckon we'll eat about three.' Terry had been over the moon that Dave and Lisa had agreed to spend the day with them. Michelle had suggested the idea, as she'd struck up an unlikely friendship with Lisa, and Terry had eagerly agreed.

'How have you and Chelle been getting on lately? Has she been performing at all?'

Terry smiled at his friend. 'She's still drinking for England, but we've been getting on as well as can be expected. I try to be as nice to her as possible, just to keep the peace. I feel guilty sometimes, especially when she's behaving herself. Can you imagine how she'd feel if she knew Jade was up the spout and I was fucking off and leaving her next year?'

Dave took a sip of his Budweiser and laughed out loud. 'She still ain't got a clue what's going on then?'

'Not an inkling, Davey Boy, so for God's sake don't get pissed and put your foot in it tomorrow. You ain't said nothing to Lisa, have you?'

'You should know me better than that, mate. I would never tell a woman fuck all. All of 'em have a mouth like the Dartford Tunnel.'

Laughing, Terry stood up.

'I better make tracks. Me mother and Bridie have arrived and Chelle and Billie'll be pulling their hair out, if I don't get home soon.'

'Laters, Tel.'

'Hello, Mum, you all right, babe? Christ, you look well, Bridie. Been hitting that gym again, have ya?'

Sipping her brandy, Bridie chuckled.

'You're a cheeky so-and-so, Terry Keane. Bejesus, do you never get weary of taking the piss out of people?'

Laughing, Terry turned to his mother. 'Have you had anything to eat yet?'

'No, son, we're fecking starving.'

'Where's your mother?' Terry asked Billie.

'In bed, feigning illness. Reckons she's got the flu.'

'More like alcoholic poisoning,' Terry said, laughing at his own wit.

Leaving his mum and aunt to put the world to rights, he ushered Billie into the kitchen to help him rustle up some food.

'Come on then, Bill, spill the beans. Something must have happened for your mother to take to her bed.'

'She's drunk, Dad. She started on the wine, first thing this morning. She's been in a strange mood for a couple of days now. Yesterday, when you were out, I caught her going in your wardrobe and searching through all your stuff.'

Terry looked at Billie with raised eyebrows.

'As if I'd be silly enough to leave anything lying about for her to get her grubby paws on. Do us a favour, Bill.

Go upstairs, tell her I'm home and ask her if she wants anything to eat.'

Obeying his orders, Billie quickly returned to inform him that Chelle was too ill to be joining them.

The rest of the evening passed without incident. Bridie and Pearl opted for an early night, and after a chat and cuddle with her dad, Billie followed suit.

Unable to face World War Three, Terry decided he'd be wise to sleep on the sofa. Usually he dossed in one of the spare rooms, but due to his mum and aunt staying, he had the choice of the sofa or sharing with the wildebeest. The sofa won hands down.

The following morning, Terry woke with a stiff neck. Stretching, he headed for the shower.

Dreading the day ahead, he switched his phone on and called Jade. He wished her a happy Christmas in a whisper and told her how much he loved and missed her.

As he unlocked the shower door, Terry came face to face with Billie Jo, who had been patiently waiting for him.

'Merry Christmas, Dad.' Billie Jo threw her arms around his waist. 'Can we open the presents now?'

'Best wait for your mum, Bill. Where is she?'

'In the kitchen, Dad. Apparently she's preparing dinner.'

Terry knew that was a fucking lie. Chelle and food preparation just didn't go together. They'd lived on takeaways for years, eaten out or he'd had to cook. Terry crept into the kitchen and wasn't surprised to see Chelle sitting at the kitchen table slurping a large glass of wine. 'You ain't started drinking already, have you? It's only eleven o'clock, for fuck's sake.'

'Oh, don't start moaning, Tel, I've only had one. Everyone starts early on Christmas Day, it's part of the tradition. Give us a break will you, for Christ's sake.'

Terry sighed and wandered back into the living room. It was going to be one long day and he'd be glad when it was bastard well over. 'Come on then, Princess, open your presents.' Terry watched his daughter's eyes sparkle with excitement as she unwrapped the gifts underneath the tree. He hadn't bought her as many as usual because she'd insisted she wanted money this year. She was at an age now where she would rather have the dough to go and buy whatever she wanted. He'd still managed to organise one big surprise for her though. Handing her an envelope, Terry stood back and waited for her reaction.

Billie couldn't believe her eyes when she saw what was inside. Clocking the two tickets for her and Tiffany to go to a recording studio for a day and make their own CD, Billie was absolutely ecstatic. Herself and Tiff were bang into the old music scene and this was like a dream come true. Terry was pleased with himself as he looked at his daughter's happy face. He had a pal who owned a recording studio over at Fulham Broadway and who owed him a favour or two. His mate was even throwing in the transport. A car would be picking the girls up in the morning, then dropping them off when they'd finished. All they had to do was ring up and arrange a day.

'You're the best dad in the whole wide world,' Billie said, running upstairs to ring Tiff. Spice Girls eat your heart out, she thought excitedly.

Terry poured his mum and aunt a sherry and welcomed Dave and Lisa as they arrived. Hearing the doorbell ring again, Terry went to answer it. His brother John was standing outside with the ugliest thing he had ever seen.

'All right, Tel? Meet Maureen, my girlfriend. Mo, this is my brother Terry.'

Terry ushered them into the living room. Maureen was as rough as old boots. She looked like she'd fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Still, his brother was no oil painting himself. Truth be known, they made a real nice couple.

The rest of the day passed pleasantly with no major incident. Pearl and Bridie served up dinner, which everybody tucked into, and all seemed to be going smoothly. It was only after watching a rerun of Only Fools and Horses that things started to go tits up. Lisa, who couldn't handle her drink at the best of times, had managed to guzzle a whole bottle of Baileys to herself.

Deciding she needed to get a bit of fresh air, she rose unsteadily to her feet. Two wobbly steps later and the contents of Lisa's stomach lay on Auntie Bridie's lap and Terry's living-room carpet. Davey Boy went absolutely apeshit and promised to buy Terry a new carpet and Bridie a new outfit. A full-scale argument then developed between Dave and Lisa, which ended with Dave storming out of the house and Lisa running after him, crying and begging forgiveness.

By nine o'clock things had got even worse. John and Maureen were both paralytic and Pearl wasn't far behind them, sobbing her heart out, talking drivel.

'I don't want to be in this world without him. I want to die, so we can be together. I know he had his faults, but he was a good man your father, he was the best, son.'

Terry wanted to remind his mother of what a nasty old bastard Paddy had really been but decided to keep schtum. He needed this shit like he needed a fucking hole in the head. The only thing that kept him sane was the thought that next year he could have a nice quiet Christmas, just him, Billie, Jade and the baby.

'Bill, get the karaoke machine out for Mummy and we can have a singalong.'

Billie looked at her mother in horror. Chelle's voice left a lot to be desired at the best of times.

'It's getting late now, Mum. I'll set it up for you tomorrow.'

'I don't want it out tomorrow. I want the fucking thing out now.'

'Yeah get it out, I like a bit of karaoke,' Maureen slurred. She looked uglier now than ever. She was that pissed, her face was all distorted and she looked like she'd had a stroke.

Half an hour later, after struggling to set up the equipment, Chelle stood in the middle of the room, mike in hand, singing Dusty Springfield's 'I Only Wanna Be With You'. Chelle was like a cat with two tails once she had a mike in her hand and was wobbling her fat arse nineteen to the dozen whilst pointing and singing to her husband. Maureen then got in on the act, with a rancid version of 'Little Old Wine Drinker Me'. By this point, Terry had really had enough and just wanted to sod off to bed. 'Mum, Bridie, I'm going to bed in a minute, girls. Shall I help you both up the stairs? It's getting late now and you don't wanna feel like shit tomorrow.'

'Bejesus, since when did you become a boring bastard, Terry Keane? You make me feel like a fecking old grunter,' Bridie said, chucking him a look. 'We're not ready for bed yet. We're going to have a singalong first.' After a tussle with Michelle over the mike, Bridie proved her point by launching into her medley of Irish rebel songs.

'Night, everyone.' Terry stomped out of the living room without waiting for any replies and headed for the tranquillity of the bedroom. Billie Jo followed suit and sat on the edge of the bed talking to him. Due to his family staying, Terry had no choice but to sleep in Chelle's room for a couple of days. He was absolutely dreading it. He just hoped the wildebeest was incapable of making it up the stairs and crashed out on the sofa as usual.

'Do you know something, Dad? Our family is really not normal.'

'Tell me something I don't know, Bill.' Terry gently ruffled her hair. 'Never mind, girl, we're not gonna have to put up with all this shit next year, are we?'

'Do you know what, Dad, I really can't wait. I've had enough of living in this nuthouse.'

Terry kissed her forehead. 'Night, sweetheart.'

'Night, Dad.' Billie kissed him and returned to her own room.

Two hours later, Terry was woken by a big fat hand squeezing the life out of his cock. Leaping out of bed in shock, he flicked the light switch on, and looked towards the bed in horror at the sight of Michelle lying there, stark bollock naked, showing all her crowning glory. 'What the fuck do you think you're doing, Chelle?'

Chelle squinted at him, trying to focus out of one eye. 'Oh come on, Tel, come back to bed and give me a cuddle. I feel randy tonight and if you're lucky, I'll let you have your wicked way with me.'

Terry looked at his wife in disgust. They hadn't had sex for at least nine months and he'd forgotten what she looked like naked. She looked awful, that's what she looked like. He knew he could never fuck her again. He wouldn't even want to poke her with someone else's, let alone his own. Deciding to sleep on the sofa, he headed downstairs to get a bit of peace and quiet. Thankfully, his brother and the lush were nowhere to be seen.

'Happy fucking Christmas,' Terry said out loud. His family were out-and-out nutters and he'd had a gutful of the lot of them. Chelle, Bridie, his mother, it's as though their aim in life was to do his head in. As for his brother turning up with Frankenstein's monster, that'd been the icing on the cake.

Well, no more. Tomorrow he would take Billie out on his lonesome, he would take her somewhere nice, somewhere special. The rest of his not-right family could go and fuck themselves.

As Terry Keane went to sleep that night, he was positive that he'd endured the worst of the festive season. Unfortunately for him, the nightmare had only just begun.