I liked being in love. It’s like giving part of yourself away. Love is forever! Yeah, well, I don’t believe that any more. It’s something that happens to you, like anything else. It starts and then it stops. Being an addict… now that lasts forever. Like they said in the detox centre, once an addict, always an addict. You don’t dare to take the stuff again no matter how safe you feel. Which is a pity really, because heroin is instant love. To love another person you have to feel safe, you have to be ready for it; it’s not easy. But with heroin all you have to do is push down the plunger – and hey presto! And it’s so real.

But I don’t want to talk about that old stuff. You’ve got to keep positive. The future’s looking pretty good to me. I’m moving on. I’ve got a new girlfriend now. She’s called Carol and she’s a lot better for me than Gemma was. She’s got both feet on the ground. Gemma was all over the place, wasn’t she? I thought she knew it all. When you’re in the state I was in, even someone like Gemma looks sorted.

I met Carol round at a mate’s place and we got on just like that. I moved into her place a few months later. It’s a big house; we share it with a few other people. It’s good. I’m clean, I’ve got a great girlfriend. I’m working… me with a job! Yeah, in a warehouse. You know, stacking shelves, that sort of thing. I’m not doing college this year. I got my O-levels in Minely. I got good grades. I enrolled at the Tech here in Hereford, but I’m going to leave the A-levels for this year. College is waiting for me, I know I’ll go there one day, when I’m ready for it. Me and Carol live a nice quiet life and that’s just what I need for now.

I see Gemma every few months… because of Oona. Me and Gems, I expect we’d have stayed in touch anyway. Although it’s a bit like the past when I see her… you know; there’s some bad memories. Splitting up. I don’t really want to talk about that, it’s over now. Oona – she’s the future. She’s a reason to stay clean – and Carol, of course. And me. But Oona’s lovely. I bring her here for the holidays. It gives Gemma a break. It makes me and Carol ever so broody, having her here.

I said to Carol, ‘Doesn’t it make you want to have one?’

And she said, ‘No.’

That’s Carol! She’s knows me. She’s got her head screwed on. She knows better than to have babies with me. She makes me laugh, Carol.

I don’t spend much time with Gemma when I go to Minely. It’s all right talking to her on the telephone or seeing her down the pub, but when I see her with Oona it does hurt. That’s my place. I want to be in on it but Gemma won’t let me. That makes me angry and I don’t want to be angry with Gemma. What for?

It’s over, that’s the point. Me and Gemma. All that’s left is these tiny little pills – five mil of methadone, the tail end of everything. Carol knows all about the past. I told her everything. She’s knows I’m on a script. Five mil is nothing, I can’t even feel it. I don’t need it, not in the sense of being addicted. It’s nice to know it’s there, that’s all, and it’s coming down a little bit every week.

I know myself a lot better now. I know I can’t make it on my own, I need help. There’s a lot of junk in Hereford. Well, there is everywhere, but there are some familiar faces round here. Quite a few people from Bristol end up here for some reason. I could go and score now if I wanted. You can’t avoid it.

It’s amazing how the stuff seeks you out. About three months after I came here, I’d just been with Carol for a few weeks, I got talking to this bloke at a party and he said, ‘Do you want some?’ Funny thing was, I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me but he just seemed to know. I shook my head and said no, and he went upstairs with someone else.

That was it for me – the thought that they were up there with junk and I was down here without it…

I went and got Carol and I said, ‘We’ve got to go.’

‘What for?’

‘I’ve just got to go.’

She could see I was in a mess. She got her coat and we went, even though it was a good party. We walked round the block and she said, ‘Okay, what is it?’ So I told her.

She already knew about the smack, about Gemma and everything. She said, ‘You’re not as clean as you said you were, are you? You’ve been ambushed.’

Carol’s really good. I don’t know how I’d have coped if it wasn’t for her. I’d have been back on junk for sure. After getting offered some at that party I started getting these terrible cravings, like I hadn’t had for over a year. It was knowing it was there, see? It was the first time since before I was inside that I knew I could walk out of the door, walk down the road and score. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I went to see the doctor and told him about it, but he wouldn’t give me any methadone because I hadn’t done any junk. So I went away and had a think about it. I knew I wasn’t going to make it without help. The next day I went back and told him I’d lied, I had done some. Which was true, actually, although that was another time. It was on a visit to Bristol. It wasn’t important, it was like a holiday romance, you know? You forget it all when you get back home. I didn’t worry about it because I was in control. So I used that, told a few fibs, told him it was just the other week when in fact it was over two months back. But it worked. I got my script. All in a good cause, getting me clean again.

I’m coming off really slowly. A little bit at a time. I wanted to come off it really fast, get it over with. I was impatient to get on with it, but the doc said that’s not a good way to do it. You have to do it real slow, so that you barely notice.

It’s going to be okay. I’m doing all the right things. It would have been pretty surprising for someone with my history if I hadn’t had a couple of setbacks when you think what’s happened lately. The thing to avoid is those ambushes. Sometimes I take a handful of methadone – you know, as a drug. I don’t tell Carol about that, though! Wow, I wouldn’t dare. You have to be careful with Carol: she’s great, she doesn’t take any stick. But she’s never been on it, so she doesn’t really understand. You can’t talk to her about it.

I’m doing my best, that’s what’s important. I try to be positive about it. I’m doing the right things. I’m not pulling the wool over my eyes. It isn’t all easy going, I can admit that. I’ve slipped up a couple of times. I don’t dare tell Carol about that, either. And I certainly don’t tell Gemma. She might stop me seeing Oona if she knows I’m using. She has no right to do that. I’m her dad, I’ve got a right to see her… and she’s got a right to see me.

With my history you can’t rush it. It’s so easy to think, Oh God, here I am, I’m back on methadone, I slipped up again, I’m just a junkie. Once you get a low opinion of yourself, you’ve had it. You have to think, the methadone is going down, I’m seeing the doctor once a week, I’ve not got a junk habit. I’m doing the right things. And I think – it’s a bit like the carrot on a stick, you know? – that maybe if I get off, I’ll get back with Gemma again.

I know, I know. She didn’t chuck me because I was using… I was as clean as a whistle at the time, more or less. But you have to hope. Like the doctor says, you have to be positive before you can get anywhere.