Later on, he started going on about all that stuff they’d taught him – how he couldn’t do it on his own, how he needed help from outside himself, wherever that is. Lily was really sneery. She said, ‘Brainwashed. Yeah, what a drag. They took him off one drug and they put him on another. They done a good job on you, mate…’

Well, she was right, but she didn’t have to say it. Maybe he needs brainwashing. Poor old Tar. I gave her a nudge and I said, ‘Leave him alone, he’s doing all right.’

‘Yeah, they put you in prison all right. They locked you up inside your own head and then they gave you the key and how do you get out of that jail? They made you your own jailer, it’s cheaper for ‘em that way…’

I was pissed off with her, she was being really nasty. He needed that stuff. He just sat there drinking a glass of fizzy wine and said, ‘You can think what you want, Lily. You’re on smack and I’m not.’ She hated that. Later on she went into the bathroom and came back with all these broken up little bits of soap and started trying to push them in his ear and up his nose.

‘Get off, Lil!’ He was getting annoyed now.

‘That’s to keep your brain clean,’ she told him. You had to laugh. Poor Tar! Lily’s a bit of a missionary. She doesn’t like any other religion but her own.

It was a bit different the day before. I went round to help her get the party ready. She was doing rice salad and she looked really awful. I didn’t say anything. You know, your boyfriend’s coming out of detox and someone walks in and says, ‘Christ, you look ugly this afternoon…’ I had a bit with me, because I thought she might need something to steady her up and I offered her some, but she said no. She was making a big thing about not doing any, but we all knew she was cracking up every now and then. The thing is, people say that your friends stop you getting off but you’re gonna pack it in when the time is right. If you push it at the wrong time you only wear yourself out and make it worse.

But I didn’t say anything. I got a knife and helped her cut up the peppers.

I was watching her. I kept my mouth shut as long as I could but finally she hangs down her head and starts weeping. I put my arm round her. ‘What’s up, Gems?’ I said.

Out it all came. ‘I’ve really let Tar down, I’ve really blown it for him. I made all these promises and…’ And she cracks up all over the rice salad.

I was really surprised because, you know, she’d been doing so well. She’d turned over a new life. She’d stopped doing jumps at the parlour, saving herself for Tar. She’d cut right down on the smack.

‘I’ve been doing more smack, I did some today and he’s been keeping himself clean and look at me…’

Off she went.

‘How much have you been doing?’ I said.

‘I did some again today, I was feeling so rotten…’

‘And when did you do it before?’

She shrugged and wiped her eyes. ‘Day before yesterday.’

I mean, she used to do stuff every day. Twice a day. Three times. She used to do more than me. And now she’d cut right down, just taking a little bit when she was feeling low, and here she was blaming herself and turning the brilliant effort she’d made into a mess, just because she wasn’t bloody Superwoman.

‘But Tar hasn’t done any,’ she wailed.

‘Well, of course he hasn’t, he’s been surrounded by all these people paid to make sure he stays clean. Where he was you’d have to be strong as hell to take the stuff,’ I told her. ‘You’ve done it all on your own, you’re doing really, really well.’

‘But he’s been clean and I haven’t and I don’t think I’m strong enough to keep off it and I do love him, I love him so much, Sal, and I’m just going to drag him down…’

‘Listen…’ I gave her a squeeze. ‘You’re really lucky. I wish I felt like that about someone. You don’t know how lucky you are, Gems…’

She smiled at me through her tears.

‘You’re going to be all right.’

‘I ought to go away. I’ve been thinking if I was strong I ought to go away and leave him because maybe he’d stand a better chance without me.’

I started getting a bit irritated with her then. I told her, ‘You’re mad, you don’t leave someone because you love them. You’re mad…’ I started laughing, and she started laughing a bit through her tears, because it was so stupid.

We did a little one together. She was worried about it but you can’t turn yourself into Superwoman. She did a chase, so Tar wouldn’t see any marks on her. She hasn’t done a needle for weeks. That’s brilliant. She was falling to bits, what sort of homecoming would that be for him?

I told her, she can’t be strong for everyone all the time, she had to learn to take some strength off him. I told her, he’d been taking strength from her for a long time. Maybe now it was her turn. If that place where he’d been was any good, he’d come up with enough strength for the pair of them.

Later on I noticed Rob was missing, and I knew what that was likely to mean so I went upstairs and found him, sure enough, doing one in the bedroom. And guess who was there with him?

Well… that didn’t last long, did it? I was pretty annoyed with Tar about it, I can tell you. Gemma had tried so hard and she’d done so well. He was saying how it was a party, he was just having a hit because it was a big day and he was feeling a bit freaked out with all those people. I thought, Maybe it didn’t mean anything. But of course I knew exactly what it did mean.

I sat on the bed and shot up. We sat about talking about nothing and then, Lily came in…

She just stood there looking at Tar and nodding, going, ‘Yeah… yeah…’ He just smiled wryly. You could see there was a performance on its way. Then she starts going round the room looking behind the wardrobe and in the drawers and under the bed and she says, ‘You know what? I can’t find God anywhere.’ God, of course, was what she thought Tar was on about when he talked about something outside himself helping him.

‘He didn’t hang around long, then, did he?’ she told Tar.

‘It’s not a problem to me, Lily. I’m sorry if it bothers you,’ he said, smiling at her like he was drinking milk.

I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. I just couldn’t be bothered. I’d have said something, but he didn’t look as though he cared either. I don’t suppose he did; he hadn’t used for over a month. Lucky bastard, you could see by the look on his face. He felt good. Even so Lily stood there staring at him until he began to wriggle about in his chair.

‘Gemma did some,’ he said at last.

‘Oh, that’s all right then,’ Lily said. Then she started on at Rob. ‘You prat!’ she said.

‘He asked me, what was I supposed to do?’ said Rob.

‘Oh, leave him alone, Lily, for God’s sake, it’s supposed to be a party,’ I said.

‘Look at him, he’s practically gauching out…’

‘I only had a chase, I didn’t use a needle,’ he said.

I said, ‘You’re making too much of it, Lily. It’s his party.’

‘It doesn’t mean I haven’t given up,’ said Tar.

I said, ‘Oh, God,’ because that was asking for it.

Lily was right in. ‘Oh, yeah, you take the stuff but you’ve still given up, sure…’

‘… this is a party. Anyway, Gemma did some tonight. She told me. She asked me if it was okay.’

‘And you said yes.’

He smiled. I thought, You crafty git. Of course Gemma could have some. Because then so could he…

Well, you know, that’s junk. We’re all the same. There’s always a reason when you want to do some.

Then he said, ‘Don’t tell her, will you, Lily? It won’t do her any good, you won’t be doing her any favours.’

Lily sneered. ‘Yeah, you want me to play your game. How are you gonna feel about this tomorrow?’

‘I expect I’ll think I fancied some heroin, Lily.’

She flounced around the room a bit then snapped at Rob. He’d been sitting quietly. He knows not to put his head over the edge when Lily’s off. He’d been doing her a works and now he handed it over to her. Lily sat on the edge of the bed and started digging about for a vein behind her knees.

‘You’ve really buggered it up for both of you,’ she told Tar.

I’d just about heard enough. I got up and stamped out to the door.

‘What’s up with you?’ she snapped.

I turned round at the door and said, ‘You, lecturing him about junk with a needle stuck up your arse, that’s what,’ and I slammed the door and walked out. Lily came running to the door and leaned over the bannisters screaming at me,

‘You fucking slag! Are you calling me a junkie? Are you calling me a hypocrite?’

I just ignored her and walked on down. I didn’t even look round. I knew she wasn’t going to come for me. She still had her works loaded up in the bedroom behind her and she wasn’t likely to leave that behind, not in a room with two junkies in it.

I got to the bottom of the stairs imagining I was one of those starlets in an old fifties film where they descend the grand stairway in a ballgown, and all the heads turn. All the heads were turning, of course, but not because I was looking beautiful. I stepped off the last stair and I thought, So she isn’t a junkie? Hasn’t the penny dropped for that girl yet?