On the way back no one said anything. A couple of times I tried to say how awful it was, but I just got ‘Next time, next time, next time…’ We were all scared silly.

I’d tried to give up about half a dozen times, but I’d never been scared before. I mean, you’ve gotta take risks, we’d all been scared about ODing, or about getting stuck forever on junk, or about buggering up our veins, that sort of stuff. But that’s just normal. This time was different, and I knew I really was a junkie this time because, what’s a junkie scared of? Not Aids, not overdosing, like you might think. We were scared because there might be no more smack at the other end. It was the first time I’d felt like that. It was the first time I knew I couldn’t get by without it.

Rob dashed round to Dev to score, but I was all right because Tar was at home when I got there and of course he’d already scored.

He was sitting on the settee. ‘Home already, Gems?’ he said, with this silly little I-told-you-so smile.

I walked across to the kitchen area and found the stuff in our usual stash place. I got my works together, put the kettle on. I sat down on the settee and did it.

You have no idea. You have no idea.

I could feel him watching me. ‘You really hitchhiked all the way back?’

He pulled a face. ‘I should have taken a bit with me.’

‘Rob did.’

‘I thought so.’

‘Why didn’t you ask him, instead of hitching all the way back?’

‘I don’t know.’ Then he pulled a face and told me I wasn’t to get at him; how did I think he felt about it? I got on with the tea. We drank our tea sitting on chairs at opposite ends of the table and he started again. He said it didn’t matter anyway, because he hadn’t really intended giving up, he only went along with it because the rest of us were so keen and he’d cleared off because he didn’t want to tempt us.

‘I like what I’m doing, why should I want to give up?’ he said.

‘And what happens when you turn blue, like Lily did?’

Tar gave me a grin and said, ‘Live fast, die young, you know, Gems…’

‘You don’t really think like that,’ I said.

‘You don’t know anything about it when you’re dead,’ he said.

‘Yeah. But no more junk for deadies…’ I teased.

It was quiet for a bit and then Tar got up to put some music on and he started talking… how he felt better now, stronger; how he was going to have another crack in a week or so; he would have been all right but he knew Rob had some so it was going to fail anyway, but now it was different because he knew what he was up against…

I sat there and I watched him. I wasn’t even listening really. I was thinking about how much better he’d been these past few years. I’d really thought that, that he was better. But suddenly I really wanted the old Tar back. I wanted my Tar back.

I started to cry. I put my head in my hands. I said, ‘You never even do anything to that sodding dandelion any more,’ and I tried to squeeze back my tears.

Tar came and put his arms around me. ‘I didn’t mean it, Gems… I was just saying that. I want to live and stay with you.’

I just wept.

‘Dandelion,’ he said.

I turned and buried my head against his stomach.

‘Dandelion,’ he said. ‘Dandelion, dandelion, dandelion.’

‘I love you,’ I said. And I bloody meant it too.

‘I’ve been waiting for you to say that all these years,’ said Tar in a quiet voice. He stroked my face. I looked up at him. ‘I love you too,’ he said. ‘I love you too. Dandelion.’

‘Dandelion, dandelion, Tar.’