Chad Hey, Shahid, brother Riaz had the delectation of meeting your brother in the hallway earlier. An’ you know what happened? There was an incident.

Shahid What incident?

Hat Chili threatened brother Riaz.

Shahid Sorry?

Hat He claimed the brother wearing one of his shirts.

Shahid Oh, no.

Hat Riaz didn’t know what he was talking about.

Shahid (to Chad) Did you tell Riaz?

Chad (pointedly) It ain’t him nuisancing me right now.

Shahid Who do you mean?

Chad You holding something back, Shahid?

Shahid Listen, Chad – you know, brother, the first time we met, an’ I told you that as a Paki, I went through a lot of shit? I wanted to say to you, Trev –

Chad Did you call me Trev?

Shahid Yeah, I was trying to say –

Chad No more Trev. Me a Muslim. Like Mohammed Ali. We don’t apologise for ourselves. We are people who say one important thing – that pleasure and self-absorption isn’t everything.

Hat Riaz says it is a bottomless basket.

Chad Ain’t that a wicked phrase? One pleasure – unless there are strong limits – can only lead to another. Until we become beasts. The people paint their faces.

Shahid What?

Chad They wear aftershave. And they paint their faces. What happened to the clothes I gave you?

Shahid I was too cold.

Chad You hear the Iranians planning to put the fatwa on the writer?

Shahid What’s a fatwa?

Chad That when Allah take a cleaver against a sinner – like what I did against that racist.

Hat Only it green.

Chad What?

Hat Allah is green, so his sword is green – you know, the colour of fertile land.

Chad Yeah, Allah the first environmentalist. Anyway, it the law, once it passed by the Iranians. It legal then to take action against the blasphemer. And now there’s been a confirmation, no one can doubt it. It will force Iranians to issue the fatwa.

Hat What confirmation?

Chad (stating the obvious) We have been given a miraculous sign.

Hat We blessed! What sort of sign?

Chad An arrow.

Shahid An arrow?

Chad Yeah, it’s an arrow pointing straight at the author.

Hat What type of arrow?

Chad I’ll clip you upside your head! How many bloody type of arrows are there? You idiot. I’ll just say this. It’s an arrow in an eggplant.

Hat How can you plant an egg?

Chad You fool, Hat, don’t problem up a brother! Moulana Darapuria has now given his confirmation that the aubergine wrapped in Shahid’s pakora is a divine symbol. And we’re exhibiting the righteous aubergine right here! Riaz wants a squad of us brothers to watch the door, make sure the crowds behave, and the press don’t turn hot lights on God’s message.

Tahira God has granted me the sight. Thanks to Shahid.

Hat It’s true, Shahid! You can see the arrow!

Chad Pointing straight at Islington.

Shahid How do you know it’s Islington?

Chad It where the writer live.

Shahid My room’s going to be wrecked by all these people.

Riaz enters, as the ‘pilgrims’ begin chanting.

Riaz As-salaam a-leikum, Shahid. You see how far-reaching is the power of Allah.

Shahid I didn’t realise Allah was vegetarian.

Riaz clocks Shahid momentarily, then laughs.

Riaz You have a good way with your words. (Taking Shahid aside.) Our people, most of them are from villages, half-literate and not wanted here. These miracles give them a voice in this land of so-called free expression. We who are educated, it is our duty to give this miracle a shape. I understand the Ayatollah is getting ready to make a big announcement.

Shahid Do you know what the fatwa will say?

Riaz It is a call to all Muslims to defend the faith against blasphemers.

Shahid What does that mean?

Riaz Surely it is obvious. The fatwa requires us to take whatever action is necessary. Just like the action we took against the racists. That writer insults us. To be against racism is to also be against blasphemers. I can see this troubles you, Shahid. Let us discuss this openly, like a family. I will tell all the brothers to assemble in your room early in the morning.

How is the typing coming?

Shahid I’ve had to change a few things in your poems.

Riaz Excellent. Are you having to translate my work into current English?

Shahid No, it’s more like –

Riaz Smoothing out?

Shahid Yes.

Riaz Good. What did you think of my poem?

Shahid Which one?

Riaz ‘The Wrath’. ‘The Wrath’.

Shahid I – uh – haven’t got to that one yet.

Riaz Chad says you have had some work published.

Shahid In a magazine. A while ago.

Riaz What was it called?

Shahid ‘Paki Wog Fuck Off Home’.

Riaz Did they publish it?

Shahid They were going to. Except my ammi tore up the manuscript. Said no one would want to read such filth.

Riaz Muslims like us will never get accepted.

Shahid Oh no, there’s nothing more fashionable than people like us. You, brother, could have a wide appeal if the media knew of you.

Riaz The media, yes. You must submit an article on this matter of blasphemy to the national newspapers.

Shahid It’s difficult, with my room now a pilgrimage site …

Riaz How are you getting on with Tahira?

Shahid Fine, fine. She’s a good brother – (correcting himself) sister.

Riaz An example to all our women. Modest. Obedient. She will make a good companion to a true young Muslim leader. And she wears no make-up.

Shahid What?

Riaz (reassuring) Let me see what I can do about your room. (Turning to Brownlow.) Welcome, Dr Brownlow to the site of the bona-fide miracle.

Brownlow I have arranged for Councillor R-R-Rudder to attend.

Riaz Excellent, excellent. You see, Shahid, all the great powers in the community are gathering in support of our cause. Councillor George Rugman Rudder is Labour leader of the entire elected council here. Will you write down what he says? (To Brownlow.) We need him to deliver a bigger place, Dr Brownlow.

Rudder Hello there, people! Hello, all!

Riaz Thank you for coming, Mr Rudder. We knew you would pay your respects.

Rudder Naturally, naturally. What a marvellous crowd, worshipping the fruit of the earth! What a popular aubergine, top of the vegetable table! What a sound method of communication the miracle is! Thank God a Tory borough wasn’t chosen!

Riaz Mr Rudder, our sincere thanks again for letting us use a private house in this public way. We understand how illegal it normally is. The whole community is eternally grateful. You are a true friend of Asia.

Chad (while continuing to circle the aubergine) Friend of Asia!

Hat (picking up the chant) And of Southall!

Tahira And of Newham!

Chad And of Brick Lane – Asia’s best friend!

Rudder Yes, and I’ll be rewarded in heaven, no doubt. The Seventh Day Adventists have expressed deep satisfaction, and, it is said, mention my ailments in their prayers. Rastafarians shake my hand as I walk my dog. I am East London’s one true Anglo-Saxon friend! (To Riaz and Brownlow.) Naturally I have been generous enough to use my influence, against very racialist opposition, to open a private house in this way. But you are also smart enough to know, Riaz – and you are a smarty – that it can’t last for ever.

Riaz Which is why, Councillor Rudder, we have been thinking so much about the Town Hall for the preservation of the sacred miracle in public.

Brownlow (taken aback) Y-y-yes, the T-T-Town Hall.

Rudder The Town Hall?

Riaz Is there a reason why not?

Chad (while continuing to circle the aubergine) Rudder, Rudder, Rudder – he’s our Asian brother!

Crowd picks up the chant.

Rudder Yes, yes, perhaps the Town Hall. There’s plenty of room. Most of it between the ears of the people who work there.

Riaz It will have to be in the foyer. There is already hanging there a picture of Nelson Mandela. We must not be ghettoised.

Chad No! No! No! Ghettoisation – no!

Crowd picks up the chant.

Rudder Let me first witness this phenomenal example of God’s signature.

They part to allow him to enter.

(Aside, to Brownlow.) Of course, revelations are faith’s aberration, an amusement at the most. But whatever helps the Labour Party get re-elected mustn’t be scoffed at. Let’s hope they curry this blue fruit. Brinjal, I believe it’s called. I could murder an Indian, couldn’t you?

Shahid (excited) I wasn’t sure you’d come, Deedee.

She sees ‘the miracle’ on the salver.

Deedee (laughing) God in a pulpy vegetable!

Shahid Is Prince culture? Or just what you think we darkies understand?

Deedee I’m prepared to include voodoo as a subject of study because it’s part of the culture of some Caribbean Blacks, but that doesn’t mean I have to believe in it.

Shahid Please, Deedee. I’ve got to make up my own mind about things! I don’t always want to be on the outside.

Deedee Don’t ask me to believe in a communicating vegetable – and nor am I going to compete with one either. I’d heard books were on the way out, so now Riaz will want libraries to be replaced by greengrocers.

Shahid It doesn’t matter any more! The Iranians are involved. They want to ban the book! I need help, Deedee.

Deedee starts laughing.

What is it? Deedee?!

Deedee Give me your aubergine. Stick it in my earth and let me bless it with my holy waters.

Shahid I’ve forced Riaz into an open debate tomorrow.

Deedee What are you going to say?

Shahid Give me a precis? I haven’t got time to become educated first.

He gathers his notebook and stands ready.

Deedee Right then. There’s nothing new in wanting to ban a book. We’ve been down this road before – with Joyce, Lawrence, Miller, Nabokov. They were all censored in their time. And what did it change? People still read the banned books. Censorship’s never been successful. The last time it was tried was during the Inquisition – and that led to the fall of the very Church it was trying to protect. Not what your friends really want, is it?

Shahid (impressed) Can you take them on instead of me?

Deedee And what will you do?

Shahid Cook you dinner?

Deedee I’ll pass on that. These are your people, remember?

Shahid I get confused sometimes.

She hands him a pile of books from her bag.

Will you stay?

Deedee You’ve got work to do tonight.

Shahid It’ll help me focus.

Deedee The miracle and me aren’t meant to be in the same room.

She gathers her things and leaves.

Shahid Fuck!

What’s he doing here?

Chili That’s Strapper –

Shahid I know who he is! I’m working, Chili!

Strapper Come on, Chili!

Shahid What the fuck’s going on?

Chili Didn’t think you’d met my partner.

Ah, there you are, my beauty!

Strapper Come on, Chili, I’m dying here.

Chili Patience, Strap-boy, there’s an art to satiating hunger.

Shahid (to Chili) Your closest brush with literature, ever.

Chili (passing the score to Strapper) There you go, Strap – you gotta trust me.

Strapper snorts.

(To Shahid.) Got a drink?

Shahid Fortunately not.

Chili Been to evening prayers?

Shahid Go home, Chili. If you can’t, just leave me be. I got things to do.

Strapper I told you! Chili!

Heavy 1 (to Chili) So?

Heavy 2 He’s got brains.

Chili The Beamer parked outside. Full tank, too.

Heavy 1 Pardon?

Chili Full tank.

Shahid What’s happening to you, Chili?

Chili (knocks on Strapper’s head) There’s someone in there. Oh, yes, I know there is.

Strapper Christ. They … they gone?

Chili For now.

Strapper Right. Phew.

Chili (to Shahid, as he lays Strapper down gently) Floor’s very hard. Where’s your landlord?

Shahid What’s going on, Chili?

Chili (ignoring him) I want to complain. He’s a fucker. (Beat.) If Papa were alive, we’d be giving him heart attacks. Which of us, do you think, would he be more horrified by? I’d love to take a picture of you praying on your knees and send it to him in heaven. He’d probably say, ‘What’s my boy doing down there, looking for some money he’s dropped?’

Shahid, exasperated, resumes work on his computer.

There you have it, Strap, my hard-working baby brother. Times are moody, I have to admit, but he’ll sort us out, won’t you, bro? Hey, Strap, look at the dreamer.

Strapper Like me.

Chili You?

Strapper Yeah, me, man.

Chili They ain’t dreams, they’re drug hallucinations!

Strapper Fuck off, man. You should’ve sorted the cash! You kept sayin’ London was too small a place for ya. Is it small enough for you now, Chili, eh – this small enough?

Chili Shhh, let the boy work, Strap. Hey, what’s the score, bro?

Shahid (tetchy) What’s free speech to you, Chili?

Chili Don’t bend your knee.

Strapper Windbag! You done shat yourself when those heavies came in for their money!

Chili That’s just a game, Strap. But this here now –

He clutches hold of Strapper, as he addresses Shahid.

– this here is pure censorship. Nothing terrible will ever happen to us, unless we will it. That’s just the way it is. But evil’s been done to Strap, practically from day one he’s been censored. Don’t do this! Stop there! Stay away from that! He don’t deserve to be wasted. If you want to fight for anything, fight for him.

Shahid I think I want to be a writer.

Chili What’s wrong with being a travel agent?

Shahid You try it! Papa left everything to you. Ammi needs you.

Chili You want me to be like all the other Pakis in their dirty shops, humourlessly keeping their eyes only on the pennies dropping in their palms? Go and work there if you like it so much. I give you my place! But you won’t either. We ain’t ones to make sacrifices, are we, bro?

Shahid Just go home, Chili, please. Papa worked his arse off.

Chili remains silent.

(Insistent.) To give us a decent life.

Chili And what is that? Do you know?

He grabs hold of Shahid.

Why won’t you tell me?

Shahid Let go of me!

Chili No one knows!

Now shut it!

Shahid Fuck, fuck!

Riaz Salaam a-leikum, Shahid.

Shahid Wa-leikum salaam.

Riaz and the others take their seats in the room.

Riaz Come, remind everyone of the topic you want to debate.

Chad You call us here for what, when the issue is obvious?

Shahid I hope it is. John Milton said long ago that he who destroys a good book kills reason itself. The best way to respond to the book is to guard against that.

Hat Are you talking of that book?

Shahid Yes, Hat. There’s been a long history of books being banned – Joyce’s Ulysses was burned in New York and then Lawrence, when he wrote Lady Chatterley’s –

Hat Is that Lawrence of Arabia?

Shahid No, D. H. Lawrence – he wrote a lot about physical passion – sex –

Riaz So did Barbara Cartland. (Addressing the others.) See how calm I am?

They laugh.

Shahid (continuing) History shows that books can’t be suppressed. Dr Brownlow, surely you see how this is the road to dictatorship of the mind, like in those Communist states.

Riaz That is presumption and arrogance.

Shahid I am asking the brothers to consider that the telling of stories helps us all. It starts a conversation, however hard that may be.

Chad You agreeing with that blasphemer?

Shahid I am talking of what we need to do. As a poet yourself, brother Riaz –

Riaz This is not about us but the mind of the author –

Shahid And that mind you should defend!

Riaz This is the presumption I am talking of, brothers!

Shahid (powering on) He has said time and again he has your view of the world – the migrant’s view. He celebrates what you are because out of you come new things.

Riaz There is nothing new after Allah’s revelations.

Shahid But even these are not without dispute.

Riaz (angry) What do you mean?

Shahid (overlapping Riaz’s question) I have read the history. There were verses added to the Koran –

Riaz (interjecting) – and refuted by Allah himself as the work of Satan!

Shahid But the fact of those verses remains. And if these were the work of Satan, you have to agree his mischief made the faith stronger.

Riaz It enabled Allah to warn us about Satan, agreed.

Shahid Then can’t you accept that the writer is also being playful, and his new work will only make the faith stronger?

Riaz When there is so little known about us Muslims in public, we have a right to ensure the ummah – the Muslim community as a whole – is represented in ways that promote all of us.

Brownlow (to Shahid) This is a n-n-new form of racism here, when the Muslim working class is persecuted by middle-class, Cambridge types.

Shahid Aren’t you being hypocritical, Dr Brownlow?

Brownlow I have never subscribed to the British obsession with class loyalty. We should seize this moment – for the first time under Thatcher, there is the real possibility of persecuted classes making a difference. You have a cause, a passion that could place you in the vanguard of changing this country!

Shahid Isn’t it even more crucial then that the cause is a right one?

Brownlow What matters is the commitment to kick the old order out of its complacency. Stand firm, Tariq – the new world order will be created by your class!

Shahid Literature is not a political party! Brother Riaz here is asking us to become policemen of storytellers.

Riaz In these times, it is the duty of every Mussulman to become a policeman for his faith. The Ayatollah has made that very clear in his fatwa. He who does not act is not a true Muslim.

Shahid Brother Riaz, you asked me to prepare your poems for print. You even accepted I could play with the words a little to make them fit today’s way of speaking. Will playing with your words make me satanic in your eyes?

Riaz Forget this literature-shiterature talk. Let me ask you directly – if a character comes to your home in Sevenoaks and abuses your mother and sisters, what will you do?

Chad You got a problem, brother?

Shahid (snaps) Don’t call me brother! Why should you be more of a brother than any other man in the street?

Chad You confused, brother – (To the others.) Or he hiding something.

Riaz This writer has abused us in the same way that racist abused the old man and his family in the East End.

Shahid Do we have a monopoly on hurt? Why should our feelings of hurt be greater than his? If we attack him we become no better than the racists we oppose! We should debate with him. Censoring him will only limit what we can be, when the whole world could be ours.

The door opens and Zulma enters.

Zulma Shahid – come. Attend, darling.

Shahid Auntie? This is a meeting!

Zulma I’ve told you before, don’t call me Auntie! Sometimes censorship is necessary! Who is in charge? (To Riaz.) What are you doing, having a political meeting?

Riaz This is a private meeting, madam.

Shahid We’re discussing the fatwa.

Zulma And you’re going to demonstrate in his favour?

Shahid No. Not in his favour, I don’t think.

Zulma (appalled) Students are supposed to have bloody brains, aren’t they?

Riaz Have some respect, madam.

Zulma Don’t raise your voice to me! Religion is for the benefit of the masses, not for brainbox types like you. Those simpletons require strict rules for living, otherwise they would still think the earth sits on three fishes. But you mind-wallahs must know it’s a lot of balls.

Riaz (controlling his ire) I am a peaceful man. I urge all to love those of other religions, yes, even the wretched Christ-killers who lack faith in their own faith. But we need to send a clear signal to everyone, Muslim and non-Muslim alike, that our faith is not a matter for fictional debate.

Zulma Arey, practically the whole world is ringing me about this hullaballoo, as if I wrote the novel personally. Darling, things are getting so extreme I may have to read it, and I only read on the toilet.

Riaz (to the others) Come, brothers, we have work to do.

They leave, casting murderous glances at Zulma.

(To Shahid, as he leaves.) I will pray Allah guides you to the true path, Shahid.

Zulma As if my head weren’t burning up in flames with the problems your entire family has given me, thank you very much.

Shahid and Zulma are left alone.

Why are you in with those people? Oh, Shahid, what has happened to you?

Shahid Please, Auntie, I need to think.

Zulma You will certainly be needing to cogitate after I give you one tight slap.

Shahid You can’t hit me.

Zulma Well, I’m in the mood. (Tuts.) You had a decent upbringing. And now I see you hanging round with beardies who’ve already messed up Pakistan. I can’t tell you the problems darling sweet Benazir Bhutto is having with these tufty cunts.

Shahid The problem is not people like Riaz, but your class, Zulma. You and your school friend Benazir, with your foreign bank accounts, doing nothing for the country but leeching it for yourselves.

Zulma It’s people like her who help maintain some decent image of the country abroad, darling. If it weren’t for us, you’d see ZZ Top on TV, and then where would we be?

Shahid Can you hear how arrogant you sound?

Zulma How dare you speak to me in that fashion? I thought you were one notch better than that brother of yours. You don’t go in for prayers as well, do you? With that girl who should cover her whole bloody horse-face?

Shahid At least Tahira is not materialistic like you and Chili.

Zulma Let me tell you, next time I’m going to be demanding an arranged marriage. These free marriages – what are they but bad manners in the day and bad smells at night? Oh, Shahid, we’ve not always been the best of friends, but it makes me feel rotten to know you’re running in that direction. They will slaughter us soon for thinking. Have you stopped thinking, Shahid?

Shahid No.

Zulma Good. Then go back home at once and help your poor ammi.

Shahid I’ve got to finish my course! Papa wanted me to be educated.

Zulma Yes, he did. But you are spending all your time with those religious fools. Now you have to take charge of the family. When you see that wasted brother of yours, be kind enough to inform him that his place will be taken by you. Ring me when you get to Sevenoaks – I’m going back to Karachi soon.

Shahid You can’t put the mess of your married life on me, Auntie!

Zulma It’s your family I’m thinking of – you have a duty to your ammi.

THE MARTYR’S IMAGINATION
by Riaz al-Hussein