Sandra/Cassandra
The way everyone carried on you would have thought they were preparing for the second coming, not a school dance. I wasn’t going. In fact I had thought I might kill myself. Hanging most probably, blue tongue lolling, eyes popping; or slitting my wrists, the blood creeping along the bathroom floor, seeping through the gap in the door. Or I could set myself on fire in the hall. Any of those options would have stopped the dance. And I would have made sure everyone knew why I had done it. I would write a letter and I would pin it to my chest. My last words would be a judgement on those who had betrayed me.
What stopped me was the realisation that I wouldn’t be around to see them suffer. I think people forget that bit when they go off and kill themselves, I think they forget that they won’t actually be around for the fun. But I remembered. Just in time.
And there was something else, a part of me that would not accept that Julian had meant what he said and that he still wanted me. It was a blow when my period arrived, because a baby would have solved everything, but I still could not believe that I wouldn’t get him back, one way or the other.
Auntie Gina had sent me a dress for the dance. There was a note too. Trust your old Auntie Gina; this will knock the socks off the competition and make that boyfriend of yours eat out of the palm of your hand. I wish I were your age again. Have fun for the both of us.
The dress was a gorgeous metallic blue. It was perfect except for the shoulders. Auntie Gina was a huge fan of Dynasty.
Eliza passed my cubicle as I unpacked. I should have drawn the curtain. She poked her head round. ‘That’s beautiful. Did your mum send it?’
I shook my head. ‘My Aunt Gina.’
‘Bad Aunt Gina?’
‘She’s got nicer.’
‘May I?’ Eliza stepped forward and took the dress, holding it out, inspecting it. ‘It’s real silk.’
‘I’m not wearing it,’ I said.
‘Why on earth not?’
‘Because I’m not going.’
‘But you must.’ She sat down on my bed, the dress still draped over her arms. ‘You mustn’t miss the dance.’
‘I mustn’t do anything.’
‘OK, obviously you don’t have to go but I think you’d be mad not to.’ She knitted her tawny eyebrows together in a frown. ‘Oh Cassandra, you’re not still hung up on . . . well, you know, a certain person?’
I forced myself to smile. ‘No. Of course not. It’s simply that dances and parties and stuff have never been my thing.’
‘But . . .’
‘So what are you wearing?’
That deflected her. ‘I’m not sure. I’ve got the material. It’s velvet and sort of moss green. It’s from an old dress of my grandmother’s. But I haven’t decided on the style yet.’
‘I’m surprised you haven’t gone for the curtains in the common room,’ I said. That made her laugh.
‘And Rose?’ I bit down on the name and had to turn away so that she wouldn’t see my grimace.
‘Oh, it’s lovely. Uncle Ian let her . . .’ It seemed to dawn on her that she was being tactless because she stopped herself, saying instead, ‘But yours is heavenly too. You’re completely going to be the belle of the ball.’
There was no dress in the world that would make me the belle of the ball, not with her and the other princesses around, and we both knew it.
She put her arm round me. ‘Do come. It’ll be such fun. And there’ll be heaps of other people.’
By people she meant boys. I thought for someone so smart she was really very slow. She really had no idea what it meant to properly love someone. None of them did. They were virgins, for a start, even brash, confident Portia. I knew because I’d heard them all talk about it. I asked her, ‘Has Rose seen Julian again?’
Her cheeks coloured, clashing with her hair. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Of course you know. How stupid do you think I am?’
‘Cassandra, please.’ She placed her big hand on my arm.
My face set hard. ‘So she has seen him.’
‘That’s not what I said. I just don’t think we should be discussing it. It’s their business whether they see each other or not.’
‘Them, their.’ She spoke like they were already a couple. I slept with him, I wanted to tell her. I might have had his baby. What is Rose’s pathetic little flirtation compared to that? But I didn’t say any of that. Because she would tell Rose and then Julian might hear and he’d get even more furious with me and I wasn’t going to risk that, not while there was still hope. Instead, I picked up my dress and held it out. ‘You’re good at stuff like this. Could you do something about the Krystle shoulders?’
She pinched and tweaked at the dress and studied the seams of the sleeves. She looked up and smiled that wide open smile she had which made me think no one had ever been mean to her in her life.
‘I could take the sleeves off altogether. It would make it younger and get rid of the shoulder problem.’ She stepped back, looking at me now. ‘You’ve got good arms. Yup, that would do it, I reckon.’
I smiled back at her. ‘That would be great.’
‘So you’ll go.’
I nodded.
‘Good.’ She walked off with the dress in her arms, turning in the doorway to give me another beaming smile.
She brought the dress back the next day. ‘Try it on.’ She looked excited.
I shook my head. ‘I’m sorry. I mean, after you’ve taken all that trouble and everything, but I’ve decided not to go after all.’
Her face fell. She looked as if she had failed at something. She held the dress out to me. ‘At least try it on. I think it’ll be lovely on you now.’
‘It’s not about the dress. I’m just not feeling well, that’s all. The curse. Cramps, nausea, the lot.’
‘Rubbish. As Grandmother Eva always says, “Only housemaids have period pains.” ’
‘Well, there you are,’ I said. It was quite funny to see how embarrassed she got.
‘I didn’t mean . . . Oh, c’mon.’ She stuttered on, turning bright pink again.
I shrugged and gave her a brave smile. ‘It’s fine. I’m not ashamed of my roots.’ That made her blush even more. ‘Thank you for doing the dress for me, though.’
As she left she said, ‘Maybe you’ll change your mind again. I hope so, anyway.’
I drew the curtain across my doorway – the crazy old biddies that ran this place thought proper doors were ‘isolating’ – and tried on the dress. It was difficult to see because the mirror was so small but what I could see made me realise that she had been right, taking the sleeves off had made all the difference.
I found out about their plan by accident. I was going past Eliza’s cube when I heard low voices behind the closed curtains. I checked that there was no one else around and then I listened. That’s when I heard the three of them hatching their clever little plan to snare Julian, to take him away from me once and for all. I knew Rose was my enemy but what really hurt was how I had been taken in by Eliza yet again. I know I’d told her I was over him but if she were really my friend she would have known that I was just saying that. She would have known that I still loved him and she would never ever have betrayed me this way.
None of them, not even she, even mentioned me once during their little scheming session. I think that was what made me really hate them, the way I was airbrushed out of the equation. Had they even acknowledged the possibility that I might be a rival – then maybe I wouldn’t have had to get so angry.