Eliza
‘It’s late,’ Jacob Bauer said. ‘Don’t you think you should go to bed?’
‘I’m reading.’ I waved the Cass Cassidy autobiography at him. ‘Archie got me a copy, just as he said he would. Good old Archie.’
‘Aren’t you tired?’
‘Not really.’
‘You must be cold.’
‘Not as cold as Rose.’
It was a quiet night and his sigh could be heard all the way up to the roof.
‘Don’t do that,’ I said. ‘I hate it when people sigh at me.’
‘Then please come down. I’m cold even if you’re not.’
‘Then you must go inside.’
‘I won’t leave until you’re down.’
It was my turn to sigh. ‘I told you, I have to work this out.’
‘So work it out inside. Where it’s warm. And not so, well, high up.’
‘I like it here.’
‘Fine. Then I shall stay until you come down. In fact, I shall get a ladder and climb up and get you.’
‘Don’t be so melodramatic.’
‘You’re the person sitting on your roof in the middle of the night yet you accuse me of being melodramatic. How can I be sure you won’t jump?’
‘Jump? Don’t be so silly. Of course I won’t jump.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘All I want is to be left alone to read my book. Is that so strange?’
‘Yes, quite frankly. If you’re reading it sitting on a roof.’
‘Roof schmoof, what’s with the locality?’
There was a pause, then he said, ‘Well then, if you’re going to jump, jump. I can’t hang around here all night waiting.’
I snorted. ‘Ha, that’s what they say in films, isn’t it? “Do it then. Jump if that’s what you want,” they say, thinking they’ll shock the person back to their senses. Which would be fine had I taken leave of them, but I haven’t. They’re all here. Next to me, all neatly lined up.’ I patted the bit of roof by my side.
‘Well, I’m sorry. I mean, forgive me if I don’t see the funny side, but I’m cold and I’m tired and quite frankly I’m bored. It’s all very well for you; you at least have something to read.’
‘You could read at a time like this?’
There was a pause as he tethered his voice to patience, then he said, ‘You’re the one telling me everything is fine and that sitting on your roof in the middle of the night, reading, is just something you do.’
‘And you believe me?’
His sigh reached all the way to the sky. ‘You’ve had a shock,’ he said. ‘You’re not in your right mind.’
‘That would imply that there’s a choice, don’t you think? Like in “What mind shall I be in today? The right one? Nah, boring, done that. What about hers next door? No, it’s busy; she’s using it herself. Ah well. I know, how about the one walking by outside the window? It’s the wrong one but it doesn’t do to be too fussy these days.” ’ As I spoke I gesticulated and the torch beam weaved its way across the garden like a drunk. For a moment I thought I might be about to topple. Jacob Bauer drew a sharp breath as he lunged forward, arms outstretched as if to catch me.
Once I was steady again he tried another tack. ‘If you do fall you probably won’t die straight away. Not for you a speedy and becoming death. Oh no. Most likely you’ll simply be horribly injured and then left disabled, in pain and confined to a wheelchair for the remainder of your life. You do know, don’t you, that the body implodes? It doesn’t go splat, which is what most people imagine happens, it implodes, meaning . . .’
‘I do know what implode means.’
‘So get down from the bloody roof!’
‘There’s no need to yell at me. You’re a great yeller, aren’t you? When in doubt raise your voice . . . Anyway, I printed out this article from the Web about how to survive a fall from a great height. Just in case I changed my mind on my way down.’ I pulled some folded A4 pages from my pocket, and leaning over the edge, waved them open.
‘Careful . . .’
‘It’s very good advice. Useful. I’ll read it to you. “The Rockefeller Center in New York City. A survivable fall? Probably not, but stranger things have happened.” ’
‘This is . . .’
‘Please don’t interrupt. “What can you do if you slip off the scaffolding 10 stories above the ground or, worse yet, if your parachute fails while you are skydiving? The odds are not on your side. Is it possible to survive a free-fall from 50, 250, or 25,000 feet (15, 75, or 7,500 m) above the ground? The answer is yes. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of people who have fallen from such heights and lived to tell the tale. While most of it comes down to luck, there are ways you can influence your velocity, the duration of your deceleration, and the distribution of the impact forces upon your body, and ultimately increase your chance of survival. Steps: The arch position: Slow your fall using the arch position. Unless you’re falling from an airplane, you won’t have enough time to try this step. Maximize your surface area by spreading yourself out . . .” ’
‘Enough.’
I put the paper down. ‘Fine. I just thought it was interesting.’
‘Anyway, I thought you said that you had no intention of jumping.’
‘Damn,’ I said. ‘You got me there.’
There was another pause, then Jacob Bauer said, in a much softer voice, a voice I had hitherto only heard him use when speaking to Annie, ‘What is this all about? Is it Gabriel? I know he’s seeing someone.’
I laughed heartily. ‘Good heavens, no. You think I would go and sit on my roof over something like that?’
‘So what is it?’
I sighed. ‘It’s complicated.’
‘I hate is when people say that.’
‘Well, I’m sorry but it is.’
‘Try.’
I thought about it. ‘The thing is, I’ve spent my whole life since my best friend died thinking that I was responsible. We got into this situation and it was all my idea but I bottled out and left her there on her own. Now I find out she was murdered. By Cass Cassidy the soap actress. Who is actually Sandra/Cassandra from school. Which is all pretty surreal. It’s in here, though,’ I waved the book at him again. ‘In her bloody autobiography.’
There was a long pause. Then Jacob Bauer said, ‘OK, I can see how that could be upsetting.’
‘Thanks.’
‘I still don’t believe that sitting on your roof is going to help.’ There was another pause and then I heard him say to himself, ‘Oh, to hell with it.’
I looked down as he strode out of view. Then I lay back against the chimney-stack and looked up at the star-strewn sky. A few minutes later I heard banging. The roof hatch flew open and Jacob Bauer’s head appeared. I sat back up. ‘How did you get here?’
‘Same way as you did.’
‘But how did you get inside?’
‘I’m afraid I had to break a window. I will pay for it to be replaced, of course.’ He pushed a heavy shoulder through the hatch. ‘Damn! Damn it, I’m stuck.’
‘Like Pooh in Rabbit’s hole,’ I said.
‘I’m glad I’m amusing you.’
I got to my feet and peered down at him. ‘How about if you make your shoulders round? Like this?’ I showed him.
There was a lot of grunting and shoving and then the rest of Jacob Bauer emerged. I went and sat down, dangling my legs over the edge.
‘Would you mind coming back from there?’ Jacob Bauer said.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Well, I’m not. I suffer from vertigo.’
‘So you don’t like this kind of thing?’ I leant over as far as I was able.
‘For God’s sake!’ He stepped forward and his foot slipped and for a moment I thought he might tumble off the roof. I threw myself backwards to try to grab him but he had managed to regain his balance.
‘Christ,’ I said. ‘What are you trying to do?’
He was pale and his eyes were wide and frightened.
‘I’m sorry. I forget you’re not comfortable with heights.’
‘Would you mind coming over here.’ He pointed a trembling finger at the chimney-stack.
‘OK.’ I got to my feet and went to sit down next to him. Then I started to laugh.
‘There’s something amusing you? A little joke you’d like to share?’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. Then I started to laugh again.
‘For fuck’s sake.’
‘OK, OK, I’m sorry. It’s just that it would have been pretty funny if, having just found out that I had not, after all, caused Rose’s death I should cause yours.’
‘Hilarious. Absolutely side-splittingly hilarious.’
‘Rose chose to stay. She hadn’t tried to follow me and she hadn’t called out for help.’
There was a pause then Jacob Bauer said, ‘I’m afraid I don’t have the faintest idea what you are talking about.’
I started crying.
I felt his hand on my shoulder. ‘There, there.’ He handed me a large red and white spotted hankie. ‘It’s a bit bright, I know. Annie picked it out for me. She picks out my ties too. Go on. It’s perfectly clean.’
I took the hankie and dabbed at my eyes.
‘That’s it. Good girl. And it’s going to be all right. It really is.’
I handed him back his hankie. ‘At first I just felt this huge relief. We’d been silly schoolgirls doing what silly schoolgirls do. I shouldn’t have chickened out, that’s true, but Rose could have come with me. She chose to stay. And she hadn’t called out to me for help. Then I remembered: Uncle Ian is dead. He’ll never know now.’
I looked out across the roof. The light from the street lamps didn’t reach that far up but there were plenty of stars in the sky and a diffident moon hanging back behind a large yew.
I went on speaking. ‘And it hit me that the truth was worse, much worse. Someone did that to Rose deliberately, with malice, with hatred. In an accident there’s no malice, no bad intent. But here, there was evil.’ I slapped my hands over my eyes as if I could shut out the image of Rose, frightened, fighting for her life while that girl, a girl whose face I could barely picture, whose voice I couldn’t remember, had stood there, watching.
‘Time to get down from here.’ Jacob Bauer’s voice brought me back. ‘We can make a nice hot drink and then we can talk, all night if you like. It’s much easier to make sense of things when you’re not in imminent danger of toppling off a roof.’ When I didn’t move he said, ‘Annie will wonder where I am. I really don’t like leaving her on her own. I know I’m only a roof away but still . . .’
I looked up. ‘Annie’s alone? Where’s Sheila?’
‘Visiting her sister.’
‘Goodness. Right. Well, then, you must go back home immediately. I mean, think if she wakes up and finds you gone. She might have woken already.’ I grabbed his arm and shook it. ‘She might be out, on the streets, looking for you.’
‘I locked her in.’
I was surprised at him. ‘You really must go and check on her.’
He scrabbled to his feet. He wasn’t terribly agile. ‘Here.’ He held out his hand. ‘I will, when you come down with me.’
I shook my head. ‘Please go.’ I waved in the direction of the sky. ‘It’s pretty up here.’
Jacob Bauer sat down again.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked. ‘And don’t say, “sitting down”.’
‘I wasn’t going to. That would be to insult your intelligence.’
‘So what are you doing?’
‘Sitting down?’
‘This isn’t funny. Nothing is funny. And your little girl being home alone in the middle of the night isn’t funny either.’
‘I can see her window from here.’
‘But you can’t see or hear her. To be honest I think you’re being irresponsible.’
He sighed and pushed his hand through his hair. ‘I don’t know what choice you’re giving me. I mean, I leave to go and look after my daughter and you throw yourself off the roof. Or I stay with you . . .’
I heaved myself to my feet, heavy as an old woman. ‘OK,’ I sighed. ‘Very clever. Very physchologically something or another.’
‘You’re coming down?’
‘You haven’t given me any choice, have you?’
Jacob Bauer insisted that I come with him to Number 12. ‘I won’t leave you on your own, it’s as simple as that.’
I told him to wait while I went out into the studio. ‘I’m just getting something.’
I returned, holding a box with the restored Willow Pattern jug. He didn’t ask any questions, which I appreciated, but simply offered to carry the box for me. As my front door shut behind me we walked out into the silent square that was doubly lit, by the stars and by the street lamps.
‘You look pale,’ I said.
‘So do you,’ he said.
Having made me sit down at the table, he moved around the industrial-looking kitchen, that was all black granite and stainless steel, making tea. He used loose leaves and warmed the pot.
‘Shouldn’t you check on Annie?’
He placed the pot and two mugs on the table and sat down opposite me. ‘She’ll be fine.’
‘I thought you were such a good father.’
‘I am. Now tell me everything. Slowly. And in some kind of order.’ His heavy stubble showed up black against his pale skin and his kind eyes were tired, but he managed a small smile. And I wanted to tell him yet I hesitated. It was as if I needed to keep it all away from him the way you keep dirt away from a clean white sheet.
I was still thinking about what to say when the kitchen door was flung open and Sheila appeared, standing in the doorway, wrapped in a kimono the colours of a gas flame.
‘What on earth?’ she said.
‘Sheila, did we wake you?’ Jacob got to his feet. ‘I am sorry. I would offer you a cup of tea but I know you’ll be keen to get back to bed.’
I stared at him. ‘But you said she was away? You . . .’ He hushed me with a glance.
Sheila took a step inside. ‘I might as well stay up. I’ll never get back to sleep now. It’s almost morning, after all.’ She gave me an accusing look as if it were my fault another day was dawning.
‘Try,’ Jacob Bauer said. Something in his expression must have made her realise it would be useless to argue. She wrapped herself close in her kimono and umbrage and stomped off out of the door. We could hear her angry steps moving up the stairs and along the landing above our heads.
Then I said again, ‘You told me Sheila was away. I only came down because I thought you’d left Annie on her own.’
He grinned at me. ‘Clever, eh?’
I got to my feet. His hand shot out and took mine. ‘You’re not going to go back up on that roof, are you?’ He let go again. ‘It would be rather silly, don’t you think?’
I pulled a face and sat down. ‘Yes, I suppose it would be.’
‘Good.’ He smiled and the relief in his eyes made me smile too. ‘Now tell me the whole thing from the beginning. You’ll find I’m a much better listener when I’m not in fear of my life. And you never know, I might be able to help. Not many people know this but I almost chose psychiatry as a speciality.’
‘Almost.’
‘Absolutely almost.’ He put his hand on mine. ‘Now tell me.’
I took a deep breath. ‘It all began at school when this new girl, Sandra, joined the lower sixth . . .’