CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

There seemed to be some humanity still lurking within him. I just wanted to know who he was, half convinced it was the Collin I saw and adored.

"Ivy, the past is in the past. What's been done can't be changed. We should just leave it." He pushed me off his lap, and walked away, looking at a mahogany bookshelf that extended floor to ceiling. Old books with titles I didn’t recognize lined each shelf.

I walked up behind him, sensing his sadness. "Was it that bad?" I suddenly felt heartless for asking. "Of course it was that bad. I lived through it. So did you. I’m sorry, Collin. I didn’t mean to..."

"I know." He turned to me with that half smile on his face to mask his pain. "It's part of the curse, Ivy. I don't remember much of my past, only the pain of what I lost. And the pain of the conversion." His eyes flicked up to mine. "I felt the pain of your demon kiss through the bond, when I scared you the other night. I didn’t mean to. Your memory of Jake’s attack crossed the bond and reacted with my own nightmare—snapping it back to life."

His eyes gazed over, as his memories flashed through the bond, showing a past I couldn't imagine. Anguish flowed through me, as I saw his village stricken with poverty and illness. The cries of women and wails of men holding lifeless children in their arms flashed through the bond, illuminating the horror in my mind. While he spoke, his memories flooded me. It was like I was there, and the desperation and rawness of his situation plagued me. The pain of my attack was primarily physical, but his wasn’t. I had no idea how much I asked of him until he started to relive the memory.

"I made a foolish mistake.” He looked back at the wall, dragging his finger along dusty book spines. “Everyone was dying. My family. I already lost my parents and sisters. My wife and baby were infected shortly after. The illness invaded the village, killing more than war and famine combined. It didn't matter what we did, there was no way to stop it. It spread from house to house, slowly killing us. I watched my wife fade, as the disease destroyed her.”

He smiled faintly, remembering characteristics he admired about her. She was strong-willed, cunning, and loyal, but the thing that drew him to her was her kindness. Turning to me he said, “She held our son, refusing to leave him when he became ill, and she got it shortly after. I couldn’t blame her for trying to comfort him. I tried everything I knew of. Everyone had. And it didn't matter. Every day was the same - more of us died. The funeral pyre grew larger and larger, burning from dusk until dawn. Very few of us remained, and we did our best to comfort and provide for the sick. But it was hopeless, Ivy.”

He folded his arms over his chest, mentally withdrawing, allowing the past to consume him. “One day a woman came into the village. She said that the apothecary in the next town had found a cure. She said it was even working on the little ones. The children died within days of contracting the illness. The babies were so frail then. My son was so close to death, and my wife would soon follow. I sat by unable to help ease their pain, watching them fade away. Losing them both would have been..." he paused, his eyes staring into the void.

"I took everything of value that we had, hoping it would be enough, knowing that I couldn't fail. I had to convince the apothecary to give me enough to save my family. Three of us from the village set out, following the woman that night. We were desperate, and failed to see what she really was. Her eyes glowed crimson as she led us into a Valefar den. We were stripped of our belongings, overpowered, and thrown into a pit.” He looked up at me. “They used us for entertainment, Ivy. They said that the survivor would get the cure. I survived, but the reward was not as promised. Instead I had my soul ripped from my bones." He said nothing for a moment.

My eyes were brimming with tears, as I listened in horror. I didn’t blink. I couldn’t. Every sensation he felt flowed through me. His face was expressionless, like he was lost in a memory devoid of emotion. But I knew that wasn’t true. He writhed internally, and felt so much pain that he’d gone numb from telling me.

He swallowed hard, "I killed the Valefar that made me. My rage gave me power that they lacked. The remaining Valefar of that den scattered. I went back to my village, running, hoping that I wasn’t too late. I had to be there with them.

“I felt the warmth of the fire before stepping through the gate. It was constantly burning, but I still didn’t expect to see what I saw. Her body was on the top of the pyre, lifeless. Our son was still clutched in her arms. His small face was gray and lifeless. I failed them. Completely. I brought no cure. I wasn't there when they died. I watched the flames consume what was left of my family. But, tears didn’t come. Rage filled me instead. Before I could escape someone saw me. The orange flames illuminated his face, and as he reached to comfort me..."

Collin turned to look at me. Misery filled his chest like it was an endless chasm, and poured out of him in unrelenting waves.  "I was starving, Ivy. No one told me that I had to kill to survive. No one said to be cautious or to stay away. I drained him without realizing what happened. Then I ran, destined to become the atrocity you see in front of you. “I'm a murderer. Centuries of souls were condemned to die, so I could live.”

His shoulders slumped as he looked away from me, pressing his eyes closed to try and seal out the pain. When he looked back at me, his lips possessed the faint smile he wore so often—the one that masked his pain. “Demons like pain and misery, Ivy. They grant power to their slaves, phenomenal power. But, I would do anything to be free from them."

Stunned, I couldn't speak. I said nothing, staring at him, finally seeing the monster he told me he was. But I also saw the boy he was, trapped inside, suffering for eternity.

The Valefar curse was cruel, and unrelenting. Centuries had past, and I could feel the horror that flowed through his veins as if it happened yesterday. "You've never said that before, have you?" I asked.

He shook his head, turning his back to me. Shame washed over him. Weakness threatened his control, and his natural Valefar instincts flared. He closed his eyes drinking in my subdued scent, warring internally. The Valefar within him wanted my soul so badly, but he would not let his flesh concede. Collin was much stronger than me. I hadn’t his control, and I couldn’t have survived his losses, or accepted his fate. And yet, I was standing there with him, similar but different. I could suppress my Valefar so far that it was almost non-existent. He couldn't.

I swallowed hard, thinking he must hate me. Collin turned to me slowly answering, "Never think that. How could I possibly hate you? You are the only good thing that has happened to me in nearly a millennia. But Ivy, I must constantly fight to override my desires. Your scent is a hundred times greater than mine, because there is a live soul in your body. It blinds me at times. I'm afraid that I'll lose control - and kill you."

"You won't, Collin." I assured him, but he wouldn’t listen.

"It's not like that. And now you know. I still own a tiny fraction of who I was. I fought to keep it, and it's what protects you. But the demon blood is all that flows through me, and it constantly wants to destroy you." He breathed in deeply, his saddened gaze locking with mine. "I'm teaching you how to use the Valefar's greatest strengths to protect you from your greatest enemy. Me.”

Shaking my head, I walked toward him, "I don't believe you're my worst enemy. Jake is. Not you." There was no doubt in my mind.

He shook his head, and turned toward me. "No. It’s me. Because you feel like you know me—you won’t defend yourself the same way. If Jake attacked you, your rage will destroy him. I can feel it in you. It will protect you, but the ideals you hold up to me—they will kill you. You can't trust me, Ivy. You must always think I might turn on you at any moment, because I might. And if I do, I won't be able to stop."

Heart pounding at his admission, I swallowed hard. I didn’t want his words to be true, but I felt them resonate inside of me. It wasn’t a matter of belief or will power. It was the way things were. Reluctantly, I agreed. "I believe you."

We stared at each other, saying nothing for several moments. His tormented past allowed him to understand me in a way that I didn’t think was possible. He lost everything - his loved ones and his freedom. His fate was so similar to my own. I would lose everything when the prophecy came true. Knowing his pain and all he survived made me feel like I could survive whatever was ahead of me.

"Teach me what's next," I said with more conviction than I felt.