He ignored me at break and he ignored me at lunch. He even ignored me after general studies when Chloe stopped me halfway out of the classroom to say, ‘Got your euros for France yet, Connie?’ And he walked right between us as I was reminding her I wasn’t going.

I suppose I understand. I led him on, didn’t I? It was a moment of madness. And it was nice. But I mustn’t think about it. I mustn’t. In the dark hours of last night I wondered whether I’m afraid of… I can’t even say it… of sex. What if it’s awful, or I’m awful at it? I’d rather try it out with a stranger, not someone I know well, not William. It’s embarrassing for one thing. And he can’t be The One. I know him too well. I know all his faults and his stupidness – his crap French accent and the way he narrows his brows and tries to look cool when he’s feeling miserable. Julie says she loves Ade because he doesn’t try to hide how much he likes her, but it doesn’t work for me. If William liked me less I might like him more.

I’ve tried to talk to Julie. We sat on our bench at break today. It was warm sitting there; the sun was on our backs. You could hear birdsong. I didn’t mention what a fool I’d made of myself with John Leakey I have to keep that to myself forever and ever, but I brought her up to speed on Mr Spence. ‘Oh,’ she said, putting about fourteen scandalized syllables into that one word. I was encouraged by that. I began to express my horror and disgust – I think I mentioned his satin shorts – but she laughed, picked at a splinter of loose wood on the bench and said, ‘Mission accomplished.’ So I knew she wasn’t going to help me change the situation. It seems Uncle Bert is taking her and Ade to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch on Sunday. ‘Sue will probably come along too,’ she said.

I remembered Sue punching the sports bag and felt glad. I said, ‘Are they back together?’

I thought Julie might be upset, but she smiled and said, ‘Yeah. ‘Parently. He picked her up from the airport when she got back from Australia. Still, I’ve got her trained now. She knows not to mess with me.’ She was using the splinter of loose wood to carve a heart in the back of the bench. I suppose her mind’s on other things.

‘William kissed me yesterday,’ I said.

She dropped the wood. ‘No! You strumpet! You piece of work! Well?’

I told her the story, concentrating on the rain and cutting out the tears (and the reason for them).

‘Was he good?’ she said.

‘I don’t know. Julie! How can you ask that? How would I know? It was quite nice. But then he –’

‘What?’

‘He got this expression on his face, sort of lovesick.’

‘Oh.’ She smiled knowingly. She said a few things about ‘the balance of power’ in relationships, but the subject led pretty swiftly back to Ade. The Perfect Boyfriend. The Love of Her Life. The One. They’re going together to Delilah’s party on Saturday. I said, knowing that she doesn’t really like Delilah, I thought she’d have better things to do. She said it would be a laugh. And, anyway, before the party, in the afternoon, she and Ade are going shopping together, and after it they’re going to back to her dad’s – who, though Julie’s mum doesn’t know it, is away on business. And, with the flat to themselves, ‘I think we might… you know –’ She winced, tensing her shoulders at the same time.

‘What?’

‘You know.’

‘What?’

‘Do it.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes!’

People can really surprise you. I thought Julie had slept with loads of boys – well, at least Phil from the sixth-form college.

I said, trying to sound cool, ‘Haven’t you already?’

‘No! Not with… not with anyone! It’s not that I’ve been saving myself. It’s more that… I haven’t really wanted to?’ She put this like a question.

I said I understood. Maybe I’m not so far behind all my friends as I think.

‘Don’t tell anyone, will you?’ she said, suddenly squeezing my hand. I wasn’t sure if she meant I wasn’t to tell anyone that she was going to sleep with Ade, or that I wasn’t to tell anyone that sleeping with him would be her first time, but I nodded and shook my head to cover both possibilities. ‘Cross my heart,’ I said. The bell went then, and as we got up I gave her a quick hug for luck.

Tanya and Marcus, Delilah’s parents, were packing up their car as I turned into our street. They’re off for a day and night’s sailing first thing tomorrow. Marcus had a squishy blue bag decorated with a pristine white anchor over his shoulder. He was wearing pink trousers and Docksiders: proper boating gear. ‘Sure we can’t tempt you this time?’ he said when he saw me. I know he was only trying to be friendly, but it’s very annoying when people – usually adults – pretend they’ve asked you something, or invited you somewhere, when they haven’t. I thought of answering, ‘Oh, OK, actually I’ll come,’ to see what he said. Instead I grinned stupidly and said, ‘I’11 let you know when my sea legs arrive.’

‘You do that,’ he said. ‘And perhaps you could get some for Delilah while you’re about it.’

We all laughed, but I could see Tanya glance anxiously back at the house. ‘Your mum says she’ll keep an eye on her, and you’ll pop in, won’t you? She’s got a lot of schoolwork but I’m worried she might be lonely’

‘Of course I will,’ I said.

Lonely! Delilah lonely! If only she knew.

I’m up in my room, with the window open. It’s still light out. It’ll be the Easter holidays soon. Everyone in the whole world is going to Paris on the French exchange. Except me. I’ll be stuck here. I’ll have to bury myself in work. Enough of love, the Library Crew beckons.

I miss William. I thought he might drop off some chocolate buttons, but he hasn’t.

Mr Spence is finishing off the tiling. A little while ago he called up, ‘Fancy a cup of Rosie Lee?’ And even though I want one, I told him he could piss right off with his Rosie Lee. Actually I said, ‘I’m fine thanks.’ What does Mother see in him? And what shall I do about it?