21

I was lying on my side and Alex’s arm was wound tight around me, the weight of it across my waist and hip. I opened my eyes a crack and saw his hand on the sheet in front of me, the gun cradled in his palm still. I could feel the warmth of his chest radiating against my back, although he wasn’t pressed against me – there must have been a centimetre of two of space between us – and I fought hard against the temptation to nudge myself back and close the distance. I concentrated on keeping my breathing steady.

I turned slowly, shifting my weight, trying not to wake him, I didn’t want to risk having him remove his arm or twist away from me. Once I was lying on my back, his bare arm fell across my stomach. I glanced through my lashes. Alex in sleep was even more beautiful to look at than awake. I had never been quite this close to him before, or seen him asleep. Sleepovers at seven didn’t count. And then he’d been in the top bunk.

I was glad my arms were bound by the dead weight of his arm because otherwise I would have moved my hand right now to stroke his face, trace his eyelashes, follow the line of his lips. I tried very hard to still my frayed breathing. His body seemed to tense for a second, then relaxed again. His breathing stayed even and I stayed staring at his lips thinking about what they’d feel like if I moved an inch and pressed mine to them. It really was like leaving a feast in front of a starving man. I even began licking my lips in anticipation.

Then suddenly Alex’s eyes were open. One second he’d been sleeping and the next his blue eyes were boring into mine. I drew in a breath. We stared at each other in the closing gloom of the room. I was lost. Gone. No hope. I could feel my heart stammering jagged beats and was sure he could hear it too.

Then, just like that, Alex moved his arm from my waist. Where the weight had been was now just empty space. I felt unfettered, like I might float up to the ceiling. I waited for him to roll away but, very slowly, very gently, he laid his hand on my cheek, his thumb near the corner of my mouth. If I’d thought his arm across my waist was electric, this was like shock therapy. My brain went blank, just aware of an intense pulsing beat in my cheek. He kept his eyes on mine, his gaze unblinking, and I stared right back into the blue. He moved almost imperceptibly and in the space between a heartbeat his lips touched mine.

The whole world opened up. It was like it exploded, drawing me down into a black hole where nothing was solid or real anymore. I felt boneless, weightless, free. Lights were beginning to flash in my head. Probably from the lack of oxygen. I had a desperate urge to feel Alex’s skin against mine. All those times he’d been within reaching distance and I’d not been allowed to touch him, all those hours I’d daydreamed through lessons about being this close to him – I was making up for them all now – and then some.

The real thing was so much better than all those daydreams, infinitely, incredibly better. My hands slid up under Alex’s T-shirt. It was such an overwhelming desire I couldn’t have stopped myself if I’d tried. The T-shirt was lifting without me even touching it. Wonderful, useful power, I thought. And then my fingers were against the warm flatness of his stomach. I could feel the ridges of muscle beneath my hands and I heard my breathing pick up a pace.

Then Alex froze, his hand suddenly gripping my wrist, and he started tugging it away.

I opened my eyes. The flashing lights hadn’t been a figment of my imagination or due to lack of oxygen. The room light was blinking on and off repeatedly. It stopped as soon as I noticed, leaving us in darkness, with just the dim light from the street shining through the crack in the curtains.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, letting go of my wrist and rolling away from me.

His words spun around me, pinging off my skull, my brain disconnected, the synapses still firing around other parts of my body. I felt the flames flicker out.

Alex sat up and swung his feet to the floor, putting his back to me. I drew myself onto my knees and tried to shake the feeling back into my body.

‘Why are you sorry?’ I asked in a shaking voice. My hand hovered over his shoulder, too uncertain to close the distance and touch him.

Alex stood up and walked away. ‘Lila, this is not right.’

Not right? Was he kidding? It was so right. So, so, so right.

‘What are you saying? I don’t understand. Is this about my ability?’

He’d stopped kissing me because of the light. I could see how it might be a little off-putting, but it wasn’t like I’d fired his gun at the ceiling rodeo-style.

Alex whipped around. ‘No. Don’t ever think that. It’s nothing to do with that. Whatever you can do, whatever ability you have, you’re still Lila. It’s part of you – who you are. And I wouldn’t change anything about you – other than maybe your proclivity for running off,’ he added as an afterthought.

My hand dropped. I swallowed hard. Then reached forward slowly to take his hand. He stepped back out of range and panic started to weave through my limbs like poison, deadening them. Without looking at me he walked into the bathroom and closed the door. I heard the sound of the lock turning.

I sat on the raft of the bed wondering which way to paddle to safety. My hand was pressed to my lips. I was trying to commit to memory the pressure of his lips, the way he’d tasted. I stared at the bathroom door speechless, my brain trying to compute what had just happened.

About five minutes later he came out. He avoided making eye contact and glanced at his watch. ‘We may as well get going while it’s still dark.’ He moved to the chair in the corner and started rummaging around in the bag.

I stared at him, my mouth half open. That was it? That was all he had to say? I looked down at the bedcover, rucked up under my feet. At least when there was rage and anger I had known where I stood – more or less. Now I was sinking, not knowing what to think. We had just kissed, hadn’t we? That had happened, hadn’t it?

The sound of a zipper closing made me look up. Alex was throwing the bag over his shoulder. I watched as he pushed his gun down the back of his jeans. He glanced up at me and I was sure I detected a faint flare of embarrassment. He grabbed the keys and jerked his head towards the door. ‘Ready?’

I stumbled off the bed feeling woozy and slipped on my shoes. My face was burning, my breathing still haphazard, my lips on fire. I could feel my emotions starting to flare. I couldn’t understand why he was ignoring what had happened and I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. How did people do this? I had no clue what the protocol was. Was he embarassed because I was Jack’s sister? Was he disgusted by me? No, I couldn’t believe it. There had been no disgust in that kiss. So what else was it? Guilt, maybe? Because I was Jack’s sister?

Oh no. Rachel. Of course. How on earth had I managed to forget about her? Selective amnesia, obviously. Or just complete denial.

The bag Alex was holding suddenly slam-dunked into the bed. I bit my bottom lip and looked at him wide-eyed, waiting for his reaction. He was looking at the bag in bewildered shock. Then he looked over at me with disbelief painted on his face. Eeek. He looked back at the bag, lying on its side by the foot of the bed. I guessed it was lucky Rachel wasn’t actually there in the room because, for sure, furniture would have been flying, not just a bag.

‘Did you just do that?’ His voice was calm.

‘Um. Maybe.’

‘Lila?’

It was just like the time I got called to the headmistress’s office about the flying jam roly-poly.

‘Yes. OK. I did it. It was an accident. I told you, sometimes it just happens.’

‘Like the scissors?’

Crap. ‘Yes.’

He nodded his head slowly. ‘I see.’ He looked up at me now and I felt a cramp of butterflies. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have taught you how to take the safety off a gun. Do I need to watch my back?’

He gave me a little smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He was trying to joke but I didn’t feel like it. I was mad at him. Why had he kissed me if he liked Rachel?

‘Why are you here with me?’

‘Excuse me?’ He looked properly confused. ‘I thought I’d answered that one.’

‘I mean,’ I continued, my voice rising, ‘why are you here with me when clearly you would rather be with Rachel?’ I didn’t really mean here. I meant why was he kissing me if, he had a thing going on with I’m the boss don’t mess with me Barbie?

‘Rachel?’ He looked really confused now.

‘Yes. Rachel. Why don’t you go back to her? You have a choice. You don’t need to be here with me.’ I sounded so jealous and ridiculous. I wanted to slam-dunk myself with the bag and knock myself out.

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

Oh, he agreed with me about the ridiculousness. Great. I turned away so he wouldn’t see the tears of anger that were starting to prick behind my eyes.

‘You think I like Rachel?’ Alex said to my back. He sounded surprised.

I turned around, suddenly furious that he was making me spell it out. ‘You went on a date with her, didn’t you?’ I was thinking about the restaurant we’d been to for Alex’s birthday, but Alex seemed to be drawing a blank. He was frowning. ‘I saw you in the bar,’ I added, ‘I saw you laughing and joking with her. So, why are you here with me?’

Suddenly the penny seemed to drop. I could see the moment of realisation and then his face turned serious. He brought his hands to my shoulders and this time I didn’t try to dodge them, they weighed me down like a diver’s belt.

‘Lila,’ he said, his eyes holding mine, ‘I don’t like Rachel. And I am here with you because it’s where I want to be.’

He didn’t like her?

‘You don’t like her?’ I stammered.

He shook his head once, firmly. ‘Not like that.’

Oh. I took a moment to compute. This was quite embarrassing, then.

Alex let his hands drop from my shoulders. ‘I’ve never been on a date with Rachel. If you’re talking about the comment Jack made at the restaurant, he was talking about a business lunch. All the team leaders were there.’

Oh again.

He waited a beat. ‘And what you saw in the bar was not what you think. When you saw me with Rachel, she was telling me something that I didn’t believe. That’s why I was laughing. Then I saw you and . . .’ He tailed off.

Telling him what? A joke? Something about changes to the working hours directive? What could she possibly be telling him that was so funny? She was his boss. Bosses shouldn’t tell jokes. Especially black ops bosses.

‘What was she telling you?’ I asked, confused myself now.

Alex looked at the ground then his blue eyes flashed to me and I braced myself. ‘She was telling me that she thought you had feelings for me.’

I swallowed and tried to keep my face neutral. ‘Feelings?’ My heart rate started to accelerate like it was pumping amphetamine not blood round my body.

He took in a deep breath. ‘She told me that she overheard you in the bar telling Sara you loved me.’

Sounded out, echoing around the room, the love word settled on us both like a layer of ash after a fire. I couldn’t meet Alex’s eyes. I just stared at the floor in horror. Rachel had overheard that? Where had she been? The bar had been crowded but how had I not noticed her?

Perhaps because I was only ever aware of Alex. So, Rachel had heard – but why had she told him? Why would she do that?

Because she was a total bitch. That’s why.

I replayed the scene from the bar in my head. Alex had been laughing because he’d just found out that I loved him. It put a new slant on things certainly, but not a better one. He found it hilarious that I loved him. I looked at the ground and visualised a hole. Nothing happened. Useless power.

I needed to get into the bathroom. Somewhere I could lock the door and hide. I didn’t care about meeting Jack. Alex could go on his own. I’d wait in the bathroom for the Unit instead.

But Alex got to the door before me, blocking my way. I tried to walk past him but he feinted and I couldn’t get around him. I spun round and crossed to the bed, dropping onto it like a rock and burying my head in my arms.

There was a moment of silence and I heard my breathing loud and uneven in the cave of my arms. I waited, hoping Alex would just pick up the bag and leave. But he didn’t. He came and sat down next to me and I felt his hand on my back.

‘Lila,’ he said. ‘Please. Can we talk?’

His voice was so gentle I felt myself start to turn, my body wanting to roll into him and find comfort. I stopped myself. I stayed quiet and held my breath. I really didn’t know what to say. He didn’t either obviously as he sat there in silence for another minute.

Eventually, he spoke again, quietly. ‘When I said I had no choice about helping you, I meant it. There was no other option because you are the only option. I don’t trust anything at the moment. But the one thing I am sure of, the one thing that I do trust . . .’ he paused for a fraction of a second, ‘is the way I feel about you.’

He stopped and my eyes flew open. How did he feel about me? I didn’t understand what he was saying. I rolled over slowly to look at him and his hand fell away, off my back. My voice when I found it was raspy. ‘I don’t – what are you saying?’

Alex frowned, his jaw clenching then unclenching, like he was saying the words against his better judgement. ‘I’m saying that the way I feel about you is not the way I should be feeling about you.’

‘What do you mean not the way you should be feeling?’ I could feel my body starting to shake.

He rubbed a hand across his forehead like he had a migraine. ‘I like you. Too much.’

I took in such a huge gulp of oxygen that the air turned thin around me. He liked me? Alex, who I had loved my entire life, liked me. And, from the sound of it, he meant like as in like. Not as in liking a great aunt or tea with sugar. But it didn’t make sense for him to like me. It didn’t add up. I sat up.

‘But you laughed. When she told you, you laughed.’

Alex shut his eyes for a few seconds and when he opened them he seemed to have decided something. ‘I was laughing, Lila, because I didn’t believe her. I thought Rachel had to be joking.’

Suddenly nothing mattered anymore. Not Rachel. Not the Unit. Not Demos. Alex liked me. He liked me. He liked me too much. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. It was cracking it in two.

‘But Lila, like I said before, it’s not right. I’m not going to take advantage of you.’ He stood up.

My smile dissolved. Was he kidding? I leapt off the bed towards him. ‘Take it. Take the advantage. You can have it. I’m giving it to you. It’s yours.’

He took a step back. ‘No, Lila. You’re Jack’s sister.’

I stopped in my tracks. ‘This is about Jack?’

I couldn’t believe it. As if Jack would extend the same courtesy to Alex if the situation was reversed.

‘It’s a part of it. He’d kill me if he knew.’

I couldn’t disagree with any vehemence. But it wasn’t Jack’s life. It wasn’t his business.

Before I could put any of this into words, though, Alex carried on. ‘It’s more than just Jack. I can’t see you hurt and this – this will end badly.’

What, he could see the future now?

‘This as in, this,’ I pointed at him and then me, ‘or this as in Demos and the situation we’re in? What’s going to end badly?’

He gave a faint shrug. ‘I won’t hurt you.’ It was said like a promise. ‘And this is going to hurt you.’ He said it so finally. As though he had already made up his mind.

The panic finally made it to my chest, filling my lungs with tar so I couldn’t breathe. ‘No it isn’t,’ I whispered. ‘Stopping is going to hurt me.’

He couldn’t just tell me he liked me, kiss me and then take it all away.

Considering everything else in my life I’d had taken away from me it really wasn’t fair. But this time I wasn’t going to let it happen.

Alex was shaking his head. ‘I’m sorry, Lila. I really shouldn’t have kissed you.’ He was running a hand over his head as though trying to erase the memory. I stood there open-mouthed. ‘It was wrong of me. And I shouldn’t have told you how I was feeling. I just wanted you to know that what you were thinking wasn’t the case. I could see what was going through your head. And none of it was true.’

‘But if you feel something how can you just stop? How can you?’ My voice was shaking and I tried to still it.

‘Because it isn’t about what I want. It’s about what’s for the best.’

‘So you do want this? You do want me?’ Did he? I still didn’t know what he wanted.

Alex paused. ‘I want you to be happy and I want you to be safe,’ he said finally.

‘I’m both those things with you.’

Alex looked pained, his face reminding me of how I had felt when he hit the button in the car and everything turned to shattering white noise. When he noticed my face though, looking like I’d had my heart torn from my chest and wrung out in front of me, he reacted quickly. ‘Come on,’ he said, holding out his hand, ‘let’s talk about this later. Now’s not the time. We need to get out of here.’

He pulled me over to the door, pausing to pick up the bag. I let him. Of course I let him, even though I wanted to resist and face him and demand to know when the right time was going to be. I was desperate to get him to promise he wasn’t going to stop anything, least of all the kissing, or the liking. I needed to convince him Jack wouldn’t kill him, which he probably would, that he wasn’t taking advantage and that he couldn’t just stop, because I needed him. Absolutely and completely needed him. I couldn’t imagine surviving a single second in the world without him next to me. And by that, I didn’t just mean in a world where the Unit was chasing me, I meant in any world.