14

A knock on my bedroom door blasted me out of my daydreams.

Sara poked her head around the door. She was wearing a little black dress with a gold detail around the edge which reflected onto her skin, making it glow. She also had a bag the size of a small suitcase in her hand.

‘You look gorgeous,’ she said, coming to stand next to me.

I looked in the mirror. I was wearing the blue silk dress I’d packed. Not that it mattered what I wore. If I’m the boss Barbie was in the room, Alex wouldn’t even notice me.

‘Right, let’s have some fun,’ Sara said, opening her bag with a flourish. It was filled with make-up and shoes. I had never felt so grateful to anyone in my whole life. Now I might actually have a shot at being noticed. Alex wouldn’t be able to see me as quite so little if I was wearing heels and lipstick and Rachel, if she was there, might even think twice about making another comment about babysitting.

‘So, when was the last time you three all saw each other?’ Sara asked, as she brushed powder onto my cheeks.

‘Three years,’ I said. A long three years.

‘That was in Washington, wasn’t it?’ She stopped what she was doing and knelt back.

‘Yes. Just after they dropped out of college. My dad flew back to try to talk some sense into Jack, and I came too.’

‘Yeah, he told me about that visit. He said your dad was really angry.’

That was an understatement. My dad had totally flipped. I wondered at the time how Jack could have triggered such a reaction. But I didn’t complain because before I knew it we were on a plane back home and I was wishing he’d dropped out sooner.

I looked at Sara. She was giving me a funny look, like she’d lost me into daydreams.

‘You know,’ she said, ‘Jack thinks that joining up was the best decision he ever made.’

‘For him, maybe.’ I couldn’t help but think how much better things would have been if he hadn’t. How he’d probably still be talking to my dad. How I’d actually be able to come back and stay here with him.

‘I know it’s really hard for anyone to understand and I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to explain it properly to you, but for Jack, joining the Unit was his way of dealing with what happened to your mum.’

‘I think I do understand.’ More than she knew.

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

She squeezed my knee. ‘I’m sure he’ll make up with your dad. You shouldn’t worry about it. Just give him time.’

Yes, time to catch them. I wished I could be as positive as she was.

Jack came knocking as Sara was finishing up. She had insisted on lending me a pair of heels I could barely stand up in, let alone walk in. I looked in the mirror and smiled back at the stranger there. With my hair up off my face, my cheekbones stood out more prominently and my eyes looked huge.

Jack’s face said it all. If his jaw could have detached, it would have hit the floor. His eyes almost popped out his head and rolled around the floor like golf balls.

‘Nice top,’ was all he managed to say.

‘It’s a dress,’ I replied.

Sara’s elbow made contact with Jack’s ribs. ‘She looks beautiful. Come on,’ she said, pushing him out into the hallway, ‘We can’t stand Alex up on his birthday.’

The restaurant was hushed and candlelit and when we walked in I pretended we were on a double date, with my date already there, waiting for me at the table in the corner.

Alex stood up when he saw us and I almost stumbled into the back of the waiter. It was the shoes. I wasn’t used to wearing heels and salivating at the same time. Alex was wearing black trousers and a dark grey shirt. He glanced at me and I caught the now familiar pulse of muscle in his jaw and a flash of something else in his eyes which glimmered sapphire in the low light of the room.

I pulled out my carefully wrapped present and handed it to him across the table.

Alex took it with a tight smile and a thank you then put it in his pocket without opening it. I stared at him, feeling my heart begin to stutter.

Jack put his menu down. ‘Do you remember when we were here before? How that waiter couldn’t keep his eyes off Rachel?’

I lifted my menu up to hide my face as my double-date fantasy fizzled out.

‘Alex, the waiters are going to think you’re the man: last week you turn up with Rachel, this month you’re with another gorgeous girl!’

I could hear Sara laughing. Alex didn’t reply. I moved the menu closer and scrutinised the small print. He had brought her here. On a date. I felt like I’d been cleaved in two with a blunt spoon.

The waiter came over to take our order. It was bad timing. The pen shot out of his hand like a wayward rocket. I watched it ping off the ceiling and land at his feet where he scrabbled for it.

I stole a look at the others to see if they’d noticed. Only Alex was looking bemused. When he saw me watching him though, he looked away.

Since the Rachel comment he’d gone a little quieter, no doubt wishing she was here with him instead of me. I was sure he’d be looking over in this direction more if I had her perfect face. I slid my shoes off under the table and wished I could unpin my hair and wipe off my make-up. What was the point? I could probably have been sitting here stark naked with a sign over my head saying I loved him and he still wouldn’t notice me. I would always just be Jack’s sister. Jack’s little sister.

I switched my gaze away from Alex and towards the kitchen door which was swinging backwards and forwards as a steady stream of waiters came and went, with plates piled high. I knew where this was going before I could stop myself. The next waiter had his plate whipped out his hand like a torpedo had hit it. I saw the look of confusion on his face as the plate flew out of his fingers and spun across the room, depositing a tangle of spaghetti on the floor like it was a canvas and he was Jackson Pollock. The whole room turned to look, several dozen pairs of eyes flitting from the plate on the floor to the waiter with the tomato-spattered trousers. I bit my bottom lip hard.

*    *    *

The walk from the restaurant to Belushi’s only helped magnify my despair. Alex had barely looked at me all through the meal and now he wasn’t even speaking to me. Jack and Sara were way ahead, leaving me and Alex to bring up the rear, walking a few feet away from each other in stone-cold silence. I kicked off Sara’s high heels, which were slowly crippling me, and walked in my bare feet. I could have sworn I caught a flash of a smile on Alex’s face as I reached to pick up the shoes, but he kept his eyes on the road ahead and his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

I shivered in my dress and hugged myself, rubbing the goose-bumps off my arms. Alex veered towards me and I thought, or maybe just hoped, that he was going to put his arm around me but his hands stayed resolutely put. The moonlight had bleached his hair white and was casting shadows onto his face. No doubt he had walked back this way with Rachel. I bet she managed to walk in heels. And that he’d put his arm around her. I managed to not bend the lamp post around.

The club was heaving. I looked around at the bodies pressed against the bar and condensing around the small cocktail tables. The whole unit was there. They weren’t wearing uniform but they were so obvious they may just as well have been. The rest of the men in the place were giving them a wide berth, like you would a pack of wild dogs.

Alex walked straight over to a crowd of them at one of the tables and I stared after him feeling completely undone, like a zipper had been pulled and all of me was tumbling out.

‘Hey, you’re here.’

I turned around. It was the young guy from the base. What was his name? Jonas, maybe?

‘Can I get you a drink?’

‘Um, er—’

‘No, we’re good thanks, I’ll get this round,’ Jack half growled.

I shrugged in Jonas’s direction and looked over at Sara. She rolled her eyes at me.

‘What do you want?’ Jack said, looking at me like I was deaf. I realised he’d already asked me twice.

What did I want? Now there was a question. I looked over at Alex, then realised he was asking me what I wanted to drink.

‘Um, Coke, thanks.’

Jack pushed his way through the crowd. Jonas had taken the hint and rejoined the men from his team.

‘He’s pretty gorgeous, isn’t he?’

I spun my head around. Sara was nodding in Jack’s direction.

I looked at Jack’s back. ‘Um, yeah, I guess. He’s my brother.’

‘No. I’m not talking about him!’ She laughed softly. She nodded her head across the bar and I followed her gaze as it settled on Alex.

‘Oh.’ My face froze as I wondered how I should react.

‘So how long have you been in love with him?’

I almost fell over. ‘I’m not – I – um . . .’ The denial stalled on my lips. I looked over at Sara and took a deep breath. ‘All my life.’

She gave me a little smile.

‘Is it that obvious?’ I could feel the anxiety written all over my face.

‘No, not at all. Just to me. I get paid to observe people’s reactions, remember.’

She lowered her voice. ‘I see the way you change every time he comes near you.’

I looked at her in horror. ‘What, what do I do?’ I had visions of my unpoker face in a hangdog grin.

‘Oh, it’s not that bad.’ She was desperately trying to calm me. ‘It’s very subtle. Almost like you’ve been given a little particle charge. You’re on edge, buzzing slightly. I recognise it because it’s how I feel when I’m near Jack.’

Oh God. ‘Does Jack know?’ I glanced once more in his direction. He was at the bar now.

‘Oh. No of course not. I won’t tell him, Lila. Don’t worry.’

‘Thanks,’ I whispered, glancing around to make sure no one could hear us.

‘Have you thought about telling him?’

‘Who – Jack?’ Was she mad? I’d sooner be tortured. ‘Why would I do that? He’d—’

She interrupted me. ‘Not Jack, Alex.’

‘Are you kidding me? NO. Absolutely no way. No. He’s totally not interested in me like that. He sees me as a sister, that’s all.’ I felt my face throbbing. ‘And anyway, there’d be no point.’

‘Why not?’ She seemed genuinely interested. Like it wasn’t obvious.

‘Er. Well, for one, Rachel.’ Hell, did I need to spell it out?

I saw her smile falter. ‘Oh, yes. There is that.’

A sucker punch to the stomach. So I was right.

Sara pulled a face. ‘Rachel is definitely into him. That’s obvious. But I’m not sure he’s actually into her.’

‘Why wouldn’t he be?’ I asked quietly, my eyes fixed on Alex’s back.

‘Lots of reasons.’

‘But she’s beautiful.’

‘Oh come on, you know Alex has a bit more to him than that. Yes, she’s beautiful . . .’

‘And bright.’

‘Yes, and bright. But there’s plenty about her that’s not so appealing.’

Yes, she’s a bitch, I thought.

‘I think you should tell him.’

I laughed. ‘Are you insane? I’d never be able to look him in the face again.’ I shook my head violently. ‘It would ruin everything, our whole friendship. He doesn’t see me like that.’

‘He loves you.’

My heart stopped for a few beats then started galloping. Had he said something to her? Then it tumbled to a standstill as I realised the love she was referring to was the brotherly kind.

‘Exactly,’ I said, swallowing hard. ‘He loves me like a sister.’ I tore my eyes off Alex’s back.

‘But he might start to see you differently if you told him how you felt.’

‘Yeah, he might start to see me like a complete idiot.’

She bit back a smile. ‘If you don’t tell him, won’t you wonder your whole life what he might have said?’

‘Er, no. I have a good enough imagination.’

‘It might not be that bad,’ she laughed.

‘Yeah, it would, it’d be worse.’ My mind was conjuring several scenes that were making me want to drop to the ground right there and then and curl into a ball. ‘It’s impossible, totally impossible.’

‘Anything’s possible, Lila.’ Sara paused for a second as though thinking. ‘If you both really want it enough. If it was me, I’d take the risk.’ I drew in a breath but she cut me off, holding her hand up to still me. ‘You’ve loved him your whole life. I think it’s safe to assume you’ll love him for the rest of your life, don’t you?’

I didn’t reply. Of course I would love him for the rest of my life.

‘So how can you not tell him?’ she whispered.

She had a point.

‘I’m scared.’

She glanced over at Jack, heading back towards us with the drinks, and then said, ‘You know, there’s this old saying, I’m not sure of the exact translation, but it’s something like “he who fears to suffer, suffers from fear” – think about it.’

She turned away to give Jack a huge smile and take the drink he was offering.

I looked over again at Alex and thought about what she’d said. He still had his back to me. I imagined walking over to him, tapping him on the shoulder, waiting until he turned around and then saying, ‘I love you.’

Yeah, I was happy to suffer from fear.