Rachelle poured her third cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table alone, twiddling her thumbs and watching the red lights of the digital clock like a hawk.
When it was officially 10 a.m. Central Time and 8 a.m. Pacific, she called San Diego.
Patrick, Jillian’s husband, picked up on the second ring. “Good morning, Rachelle. How did you know to call?” he asked. Obviously he had caller ID.
Rachelle gripped the phone tighter.
Please, God, no . . .
Patrick understood the silence and quickly reassured her. “No, it’s not that, Rachelle,” he said. “Jillian’s still with us. But she has been in a lot of pain because she’s refusing to take regular doses of her medication. She wants to be as lucid as possible these last few weeks. She reminisced all day yesterday about the things you guys did together over the years. Your call is going to thrill her.”
Rachelle was simultaneously heartened and saddened. She hated to think of her beautiful friend suffering so much. “Does she feel up to talking, Patrick?”
“Oh yeah,” he said. “She consumes enough medicine to take the edge off the pain, to get to what she calls her ‘good zone.’ That allows her to function during the day. The pain comes back full force just around nightfall, and she’ll go ahead and fully medicate then, for the evening. She’s right here, Rachelle. Let me give her the phone.”
Rachelle sighed with relief.
“Is this you, Rae? I must have ‘prayed you up,’” Jillian said. Despite her weak voice, Rachelle heard the same Jillian she’d always known.
“Yep, my friend, that’s exactly what you did,” Rachelle said. “When I woke up this morning, you were the first thing on my mind, so I climbed out of bed and talked to God about you.”
She knew Jillian was smiling.
“I’m really glad to hear that, Rae. Thank you.”
“I’m glad to have a chance to talk to you,” Rachelle said. “I’ve wanted to touch base since the party, but I wasn’t sure if you were up to taking calls.
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot, Jill. People say stuff like this all the time, but I want you to know that your strength and faith during this time have shown me what it means to really live.”
There. Rachelle had said what she’d been feeling all this time since Jillian’s invitation had arrived in the mail. She was in a challenging place right now, trying to figure it all out, but it was a good place, because after her experience this morning, she knew God cared about her too.
“You don’t know how much that means to me, Rae,” Jillian said. Her voice was growing weaker. “Others who came to the party have said the same thing. But you and I have been estranged for a long time. I should have never told you not to marry Gabe. I was out of line. It was your choice.”
Rachelle gazed out of the window and shook her head, as if Jillian could see her through the phone. “Don’t apologize, especially since you were right,” she finally said. “He was and is arrogant, he was and is controlling, and he was and is in need of a trophy wife rather than an equal partner. Up until now, I could live with all of that. Now, I just don’t know.”
“What does that mean? Are you and Gabe still together?” Jillian asked.
“Yes, we are,” Rachelle said. “But I’ve been struggling with whether to stay. I know I married him for security, although I hadn’t gotten over Troy. I loved Troy, Jillian, and I’m not so sure that I still don’t. Do you believe in second chances?”
The silence extended for so long that Rachelle feared they had either been disconnected or her friend had fallen asleep. But Jillian finally responded.
“Second, and even third chances can and do happen, Rachelle,” Jillian said, “but not at the expense of something God has already ordained and blessed. When you married Gabe, that became the man you should honor. Unless he has been abusive or in some other way broken your marriage vows, you can’t just decide to rewind life and try to start over again—fifteen years later—with the man you first loved. Life doesn’t work that way. God wants you to be happy, but he also wants you to keep your commitments.”
Rachelle’s heart sank with the realization that her friend wasn’t giving her an easy way out. It appeared that Gabe had committed adultery, but had she been an accomplice by not calling him on it? She had more questions, if Jillian had enough strength to keep talking.
“Can I ask you something else?”
“Anything,” Jillian said. “I don’t know how much more time I have left, Rae, so let’s talk. I want this conversation to matter, forever. What do you want to know?”
“How did you connect with God?” Rachelle asked, almost afraid that the answer would be so amazing that she couldn’t possibly accomplish a similar feat.
She rose from her seat to check the pots on the stove. She was making spaghetti sauce for lunch and wanted to make sure nothing was in danger of burning. After a quick perusal, she repositioned herself at the table, thankful that she hadn’t been interrupted by one of the girls or Aunt Irene. She wanted to hear Jillian’s response without distractions.
“I traveled all over the world taking pictures and saw some of the most amazing sights and some of the most horrific,” Jillian said. “Witnessing both ends of life’s spectrum led me to question how this world was really fashioned and what purpose all of us play in it.
“When I went to Jerusalem about eight years ago, seeing the historic places mentioned in the Bible and seeing the people who live in that region fervently praying several times a day, despite whatever else was going on, just changed me.” Jillian paused and coughed. “I realized that for them, everything began and ended with a reverence for God. I wanted to be connected to something more meaningful and lasting than my pictures.
“When I began exploring Christianity and found a church here in San Diego that taught me how to read the Bible and relate it to my own experience, I finally got a sense of who God is and how we all fit into the world’s vast landscape.”
Rachelle couldn’t help but interrupt. She needed to know too. “Where do we fit?”
“In the palm of God’s hand, Rae. It sounds simplistic, but it serves as the foundation of everything—particularly how we live and how we love,” Jillian said. “You know how much I struggled at one point with being part Asian and part black; but when I began to rest in God, I understood that he loves all of us, despite our cultural, racial, or personality differences. That meant I could love myself unconditionally because I was one of his children. He wants every one of us to love each other the same way.”
Rachelle frowned. All it boiled down to was love?
The strain that had permeated Jillian’s voice had disappeared. “It’s hard to articulate, Rae, but it’s like I was a deflated balloon until God blew his breath into me. I’ve never been the same since. He sustains me, he makes me laugh, he loves me—good, bad, ugly; even when I’m passing gas from this medicine.”
“What?!” Rachelle laughed out loud.
Leave it to Jillian to lighten the mood, even while discussing something as serious as her faith.
“Studying the Bible and connecting with others who understand and appreciate God’s love has helped me deepen my relationship with him,” Jillian said. “When I got the news about how much time I supposedly have left, I was devastated.
“Patrick and I had begun trying to have a baby. I had a lot more living to do! But if God wants me to come home, overstaying my welcome here on earth would lead to more heartache than I probably could handle on my own.”
Jillian sighed, and Rachelle could tell that she was weeping.
“I don’t know the reason he’s shortening my stay—I can only speculate. But I do know that I love him and trust him, no matter what he decides. And I’m grateful for the ride I’ve had.”
“How do I get to that place with him?” Rachelle wiped her wet eyes with the back of her hand. “I’m embarrassed to tell you that I can’t even figure out who I am or what I want out of life. That Top Ten List you asked all of us to create? I have one thing on my list, Jill, and it’s not even a real goal. I am pitiful. How do I get happy?”
Rachelle felt ashamed for seeking her dying friend’s advice on how to live.
“Accept how much God loves you, honey, and run toward him instead of in the opposite direction,” Jillian said. “When you anchor your heart in his love, it can’t help but flow outward. God will begin showing you your purpose, when you’re ready to walk in it.”
Rachelle finally believed she was.