When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep: crawl into bed, throw the covers over my head and never come out. Jake hadn’t called. At that point I hoped Jake and Hank never contacted me again, that they would disappear from my life just as fast as they had arrived. If Hank wanted to die he would have to do it without me. I’d rather forget I ever knew him than live through losing him, losing anyone, ever again.
But I couldn’t sleep. I turned on the television; there was nothing but infomercials and music videos full of hos dancing in front of gangsters. I turned off the TV and put on my headphones, but even the haunting, pitch-perfect voice of Karen Carpenter couldn’t soothe me. I had that old death itch. I wanted to hide in corpses, find comfort in the dead. I jumped online, went to all the usual sites, but nothing was helping. Even newly posted pics of Diana’s car crash weren’t enough to get me excited. Seeing that tuft of beautiful blonde hair sticking out of the crushed BMW just made me feel even sadder. I started to wonder what was wrong with me.
I checked my email. There was a message from Benji; the subject heading read GOLDFISH. I looked at Sid, now renamed Dee Dee after my favourite Ramone, swimming happily in circles in his new bowl from Petco, his scales glistening a healthy orange. I tapped on the glass and he turned his little fish head to look at me: it looked like he was smiling, but it could have just been my imagination. I considered just deleting the email, pretending I never got it. But there was something inside me that couldn’t write Benji off quite yet, and now that my relationships with Hank and Jake were disintegrating, it actually felt good to see Benji’s name in my inbox. I took a deep breath and opened the email.
Yo,
So how’s it going? Sorry it’s been a while but I’ve been really busy—me and the guys have been on so many road trips I’m hardly home anymore. It’s crazy. Tomorrow we’re going to the shooting range. I’m getting good but not as good as Dan. He’s got a semi automatic (don’t ask me how he got it) like the one Eric Harris had. Its sick ass.
Anyways, I just wanted to know if you knew what happened to my goldfish? I looked for it today in the cupboard and it was gone. My robe’s gone too. Mom said she didn’t do anything with it so I thought you might know. Anyways, no big deal. It’s just weird you know? I was getting some good data.
There’s going to be a party soon and if you want you can come. I think you’ll be pretty surprised by where it is. It will be the coolest party you have ever been to. So come if you want.
B.
‘What do you think Dee Dee?’ I asked my goldfish. ‘You wanna go to a party?’
His mouth formed an ‘o’ and I don’t know if it was because I was just really tired but I swear it looked like he was saying no, no, no, and little bubbles started to pop to the surface. I rubbed my eyes, looked at the clock. It was 2 a.m., and I hadn’t felt this alone in a very long time. ‘You love me don’t you, Dee Dee?’ I asked. Of course he did. He had to; I’d saved his life. Is that what it takes to get someone to love you? I turned off the computer, got into bed, and decided to think about it all in the morning, because tomorrow, as they said in the movies, would be another day.