We departed the Japanese garden, leaving the birds and the fish to their beautiful sanctuary. Jake dropped me off in front of my house. Some of the kids on bikes stopped to stare at his dirty convertible; it looked ugly and dangerous in a suburb filled with station wagons.
‘You have a nice house,’ Jake said as I got out of the car. ‘Very cosy-looking. Homely.’
‘More like suffocating.’
Jake threw his head back and laughed. ‘Oh, the angst of youth. “No one understands! No one!”’
‘What about all your “writerly” angst huh? “The words, the words, they do not come!” You have to sit and chant by a lake just to get ideas.’
‘Speaking of which, the muse is calling. Gotta fly.’
He put the car in gear and was just about to pull away when I ran back to him.
‘Jake!’ I called, and he leaned out.
‘What?’
‘My parents were hippies too,’ I said.
‘Excuse me?’
‘You were saying your parents were hippies. Mine were too.’
‘I guess we have more in common than we first thought.’
‘I guess so.’
‘I’d like to hear more about them,’ he said. ‘That is, if you’re up to talking about it. Maybe you should come over after one of your visits with Hank.’
‘I didn’t think you’d feel comfortable letting me into your place with all my “death vibes”.’
‘I’m not that superstitious.’
‘Many people are. I saw an interview with the LA County Coroner. He said most people were too scared to even shake his hand, in case they suddenly keeled over, like death was contagious or something.’
‘Believe me, I’m sure if you walked into my apartment the plants wouldn’t die and blood wouldn’t start pouring from the toilet.’
‘Who knows? Maybe someone famous died in your apartment once too. In Los Angeles you have a one in three chance of moving into a place where a celebrity used to live.’
‘You have a lot of useless information in your head.’
‘I guess so,’ I said. I was quite happy for it to be that way; useless trivia meant there wasn’t enough room for other thoughts. Darker thoughts. ‘Well, I’ll see ya.’
I started to walk away, hoping he might call out to me, but I heard the engine roar as he sped off. I had a strange sensation in my stomach, like milk curdling. Now that Jake was gone, the dark thoughts were forming again. When I was with him everything felt lighter. As I walked across the lawn I struggled to keep the demons from pulling me back down. I imagined them clawing their way through the crisp summer grass, tearing away at the soil and the weeds and tugging at my ankles. When I was with Jake the demons disappeared. I wanted it to stay that way.
As I walked towards the balcony I heard Lynette’s rickety porch chair swinging behind the eucalypt. The air was still and for a moment I wondered if Lynette had come home early and curled up on the porch with her latest casebook or one of those crappy police procedural novels she loved. But her car wasn’t in the driveway. As I came closer the squealing of the chair stopped. I took the steps one at a time, peering slowly around the corner.
‘Benji.’
‘Hello Hilda.’
He looked a mess. His cargoes were smeared in mud and he stank of sweat. I could see it dripping down his temples.
‘What have you been doing?’ I asked, not really wanting to know the answer. ‘You look like shit.’
‘You’re the one who should be looking like this. I thought you and Lynette were doing yard work today?’
‘Oh, we were going to, but a case came up and she had to go,’ I said, ‘so—’
‘So who was that guy?’
I played dumb. ‘What guy?’
Benji shook his head as if clearing away whatever was rattling around inside. ‘The guy in the fucking convertible.’
‘He works with Lynette,’ I lied, although I wasn’t sure why I didn’t just tell him the truth. Like Benji had said, I was allowed to have other friends, wasn’t I? ‘I took her some lunch and he dropped me off home. Are you spying on me, Benji?’
He stood, walked towards me, and I took a step back. He broke into a broad grin and put his arm around me. ‘That’s what I love about you Hilda,’ he said, rubbing my shoulder, ‘so feisty. I’ve never met a chick with so much moxy.’
It was like being in a bear’s grip. I squirmed. What was it they said about bears? It was best to play dead and let them roll you around a bit. They’d eventually lose interest.
‘That’s just because you never meet any chicks,’ I said. Benji softened his grip, laughed, and I carefully pulled away like it was the most natural thing in the world.
‘That’s exactly what I’m talking about,’ he said. ‘Come on. I’ve got something awesome to show you.’
He dragged me down the street towards his car.
‘Benji, I’m really tired. Can’t we do this tomorrow?’
‘No Hilda! We cannot do this tomorrow. You’re going to love it. I promise you.’