EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR

I'm hiding.

I don't want to go back to work so I'm going to see how long I can get away with staying here in the bathroom.  I wonder how long I can stay in here before someone comes looking for me. Maybe I can sit in here until the work day is over.  Yeah, that sounds nice.  Despite all the graffitti it's actually pretty nice in here.  It's just nice to have some me time.

I already finished my business and wiped up the mess.  But I just can't go back out there.

Not yet.

Fuck those guys, fuck this job. 

Yeah, I'll just sit here and write this story until I'm good and ready to go back to work.

Wait. 

I hate stories where the protagonist is a writer.  It just seems like such a lazy way to tell a story.  You know what?  Fuck it.  It doesn't matter if this story sucks or if it doesn't sell because technically I'm already getting paid to write it.  My boss doesn't know it but he's paying me to write this story.  And in today's market he's actually paying me good money for this story.  So I guess I win already.  So what if it doesn't get published or if nobody likes it.  I made my money, bitches.

Fuck. 

There's somebody else in here now.  I hate that.  He's at the urinal.  Doesn't he have any respect for the fact that I'm trying to take a shit?  Hurry up, guy.  Take your piss and get out of here.    Oh my god, why is he grunting?  Is peeing that hard?  Go to the doctor.  Get out of here!

Where was I? 

I haven't even begun telling a story yet have I?  Oh yeah, I don't care.  I'm already getting paid.  Hooray, I'm a success!

I've been in here a long time.  What are they thinking out there?  Do they think I'm getting high?  Do they think I'm jerking off?  Do they think I have terrible diarrhea?  Are they worried about me?  When I come out are they going to look at me strangely and wonder what the fuck I've been doing?  Have the rumors already begun to spread?

For all they know I'm out of toilet paper and I'm trapped in here.  Shouldn't somebody be checking on me?  Maybe no one has noticed I've been gone.  If that's true, how long can I go without

doing my job without anyone even realizing it is being done?  I always knew my job wasn't important but maybe it's more unnecessary that I had thought.

Jesus. 

Maybe I could stay in here overnight.  After everyone leaves I could do all sorts of shit.  And tomorrow I could just blend in like I was just here for my next shift. 

No. 

That's too much power.  And all I really want to do is go home.  I don't want to be here all fucking night.

How long have I been in here?  I'm almost starting to get bored.  My ass is getting numb. What the hell is going on out there?  Have they forgotten me?  Is the place getting robbed?  If that's the case it would be up to me to save the day.  It sounds like the plot for a Steven Seagal movie. What would the title be?  Some kind of pun mixing action with a poop joke.

You know what?  I'm tired of just sitting here.  I'm going to get out of here and go pretend to work. 

I want to see what's going on out there.