Chapter Four

Shay thought his heart might drum clear through the wall of his chest. How had this moment come to pass? It had not been his plan. He always had a plan. He could barely hear, much less think, with all that thrumming reverberating in his ears. And his body surging to full, rigid attention wasn’t helping rational thought, either.

“Because I’ve nothing else to offer ye,” he managed, throat tight, body even tighter.

“I don’t believe I asked for anything else.”

“No,” he agreed. “Ye didn’t. But surely, ye want—”

“What I want,” she said, surprising him then by leaning still closer, “is to feel your mouth on mine. It’s what I’ve wanted for quite some time now,” she added, echoing his own words.

He swallowed. Hard. “Have ye now?” Contradicting bolts of bone-jarring terror and raw, swamping lust blasted clear through him, making it impossible to determine what was the right path to take, the right step. He knew what he wanted, but what a man wanted in the moment, especially one as heated as this, was often not what he needed in the long run. Or what was good for either of them.

“Aye,” she said, her voice dropping to barely more than a whisper.

Then, any hope he might have had of reclaiming his place as a gentleman, putting what was best before what was desired, fled when her gaze dropped to his mouth.

“ ’Tis,” she breathed.

Damn Graham and his bloody predictions, but Shay was well lost to it now. He slid his free hand to the back of her neck and had the sweet taste of her on his lips, invading his every cell and pore, a mere breath later. Och, but she was like the finest of champagnes, sipped in front of the coziest of fires. Bubbly and sweet, yet warm and inviting. She was the embodiment of his wildest fantasy come true . . . yet somehow all grounded in the warmth and comfort of home and hearth. She drove him to want to take her, right there, up against the wall, like a rutting, wild beast . . . while simultaneously wanting to cradle her in softness, sip from her, and take her as slowly and thoroughly as it was possible for a man to take a woman, to show her everything that was or could be inside him.

And he thought he could stand right there and kiss her lush, sweet mouth until the end of time . . . then die a happy man. It was a single moment of pure contentment the likes of which he’d never once experienced before, and would have sworn, in court, under oath, was beyond him to ever feel.

Only now . . . he had. Now, he knew.

He felt her gasp, heard her little moan as her lips softened beneath his. She released his hand and slid both of hers to his shoulders, then up the back of his neck and into his hair. Her touch made him feel as if he’d suddenly been plugged into an outlet that sent surges of electric sensation charging over and through him. He’d certainly been touched by a woman before, far more intimately, and quite pleasurably, in fact. So what was it about this simple act, drawing her short nails across his scalp as she urged his mouth more tightly onto hers, that was so overwhelmingly intoxicating . . . he couldn’t rightly have said.

Lost entirely now, he let himself sink into the moment, allowed himself a release of control—well, he hadn’t allowed it so much as he hadn’t seemed to have much choice in the matter. That alone should have him staggering back, pushing her away, until he could figure out what, exactly, was going on here. He’d never once been the sort to knock on a woman’s door and an instant later have her in his arms, her mouth under siege by his own, consumed with such ardent passion that he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t like not being in control, or shouldn’t have. But there was not a single damn thing not to like about how he felt in that moment, nor any clear argument that could be made for not having himself more of it.

She made the most delectable whimper when he wove his fingers through the thick fall of her hair and tugged her mouth more tightly against his, and he felt himself tremble in response. Never had he been so in tune with a woman’s every breath and gasp. She dug her short nails into his scalp now even as her whimpers turned to soft moans. He groaned himself, and took the kiss deeper still. Then she teased his tongue with her own and what fragile hold he did have left on his crumbling control shattered completely.

With a sound more growl than groan, he pulled her tightly against him, taking her tongue, dueling, as he backed them both through her front door, catching it with his foot and slamming it behind them, stopping only when her back came up against the nearest wall. The jarring, abrupt stop did nothing to abate their connection.

“We shouldn’t, Kira,” he managed, in a desperate last attempt, as he slid away from the sweet, intoxicating depths of her mouth and laid a trail of hungry kisses along her jaw instead, incapable, in that moment, of ending contact entirely. He continued his heated journey, pausing at the soft spot below her ear. “I’m no’ the man for you. I know this, even if you do no’.”

“I believe that’s for me to decide,” she said, tipping her head forward against his shoulder, allowing him to nudge her hair aside and continue his sweet assault along the silky smooth trail to the nape of her neck. “Who says I’m looking for anything more than this?” she managed, between ragged breaths.

“You should. It’s what you deserve.”

“I might think I deserve a lot of things, we all do,” she said, groaning as he nipped at the soft skin at her nape. “Doesn’t mean we get them.”

He forced himself to lift his head, break free of the taste of her, only long enough to nudge her head back so he could look into her now glittering eyes. “Maybe you should hold out for that.”

“Maybe holding out only means you get nothing. Maybe this is better than nothing.”

Her words weren’t intended to hurt, to pinch at his heart, he knew that. She was talking about life, in general. And, after all, hadn’t he just gotten done telling her he wasn’t worth her wait? Yet, the pinch was there, all the same.

“This is better than anything I’ve had, and I’ve barely tasted you,” he said, hearing the tremor in his voice, and helpless to do anything to smooth it out. In truth, it did terrify him, this utter loss of control, as well it should, and yet he was in the grip of her, and a certain degree of helplessness seemed to come with the territory. It was territory he wasn’t willing—or able—to relinquish. Not quite yet. “If I thought I was a man who could promise you eternity, I’d pursue you to the ends of the earth, and do whatever it took to prove myself to you.”

He couldn’t believe the words spouting from his mouth, so overwrought, so insanely over the top. And yet no words had ever felt truer coming off his tongue, no closing speech in front of a judge more heartfelt. He couldn’t rationalize them, but neither could he deny them.

And, hearing his enamored pledge, she wasn’t twisting out of his arms, looking at him as one should at a mad man, professing himself like that to a woman who, in truth, he barely knew.

And yet, he did know her. It felt, inexplicably, as if he’d always known her. Now he knew the taste of her, but it seemed like just another element in the long list of what he already knew. And, having her in his arms . . . well, it felt as if she were occupying the exact right spot.

She steadied her breath then, or tried to, and slid her hands from his hair, until her palms caressed his cheeks. He wanted to rub against them like a cat soaking up the warmth of the sun. In fact, he craved the feel of her skin against his, and would gladly rip off every last stitch of their clothing if given the least bit of provocation. With his teeth, if need be.

He’d never thought himself a particularly primal man. He had his needs, his wants, his desires, but he’d never been less than fully in control, even in the most tremulous moment of release. He realized then it was because he’d always only been experiencing his own sensations, careful, of course, to be considerate of his partner’s needs. But the connection had ended there, a fact he found entirely normal. What more could a man experience than his own sensations, after all?

But this . . . the strength of all that he was feeling was intertwined with her in a way that couldn’t be separated into his experience here, and her experience there. He couldn’t even find words to describe the way it all wove together. She made him lust, she made him want, she made him feel . . . carnal. He craved. It shouldn’t feel healthy, it shouldn’t feel . . . normal. And yet it made him want to shout, to howl . . . roar. And to claim.

Like an out of body—hell, out of mind—experience, it made no sense, and yet, this felt like the first time that everything made sense. An utter sort of clarity he’d never known before.

She was indeed The One. His heart knew it. His soul knew it. Every last cell that formed him knew it.

All he had to do . . . was accept it.

And that was where the obstacle loomed, enormous and all-imposing, beyond his powers to scale and conquer.

“I don’t know that any of us gets eternity,” she said, her voice a little rough, but her gaze steady on his.

He tried to calm his own ragged breath, pull his thoughts from their primal, chaotic swirl, and organize them into something rational, or at least sensible.

“And you have nothing to prove to me,” she said. “I know who you are, Shay.”

And he understood her meaning. That knowing had little to do with sharing thoughts and dreams, and revealing every quirk and foible that made them who they were, in the day-to-day realm.

She knew him.

“And that’s all I need,” she said.

“But is that all ye want?”

“Doesna matter. It cannot. No’ really.”

“It should.”

“You could be struck by lightning the moment you leave this cottage. Should I not take what you’re offering, because it might be the only thing we share? Life isn’t fair, Shay. I know that better than anyone. As do you. So maybe we’re better advised to take what we can get, and find a way to be satisfied with that, happy with that, revel in it, for God’s sake. Because it sure as hell beats standing on the sidelines . . . or hiding out in a secluded cottage.”

“Does it, then? What of the hurt to come, the disappointment, the . . . loss when you’ve allowed yourself such great wants, only to see them go unfulfilled? It’s no’ the end that comes at the hand of fate that concerns me. ’Tis sad, heartbreaking, but though life may have come to an end, that love endures. It’s the end by choice I’m speaking of. The promises broken, the dreams and faith abandoned. There’s such cruelty in it, even if no’ intended, and it comes at the hand of choice, no’ fate, which makes it that much harder to bear. I don’t want anyone to make that choice against me . . . but more important, I never want to be in a place where I need to make that same cruel choice.”

“Aye, that does happen, and aye, ’tis cruel, no doubt. But what of it? It’s a terrible dark time, that’s for certain . . . but it won’t kill you, either. I’m testimony to that, aren’t I?”

Now he framed her face with his palms. “And how is it you’ve been through it, to the hell and back of it . . . and yet you’re willing to risk that journey again?”

“Because I’ve also been to the heaven of it. And it’s worth it, Shay. Even if you only have it for a time. It’s worth it. The puir and utter joy of loving and being loved . . . ’tis a thing to be cherished. Squandering such a rare offering because ye’re wary it might be snatched away seems a sad waste, doesn’t it?”

“You’ve a rare strength, Kira, and you’re surely braver than me. I dinnae think I could stand myself if I were the cause of inflicting pain on you.”

She surprised him by smiling, and it was so direct, so surely given, she amazed him. “You’d never hurt with intent. And I believe I’ve been fairly warned. So I’ve only myself to blame, then, haven’t I, if I’m no’ to have the happy ending?” She drew her fingers along his cheek, and then feathered them across his lips.

He shook a bit harder under her delicate, yet sure touch, as if the ground was about to vibrate the floor right out from under them. “So that is what ye want, then, after all. The happy ending.”

“Well, I’m not cut out, or able to close off parts of myself to enjoy dallying for the sake of dallying.”

“What of the take-what-you-can-get philosophy, and be happy with it?”

“Oh, I meant that,” she said, easily, “because I havena any other choice. It has to begin somewhere.” She smiled into his eyes, so easily, so fully, but there was a trembling in her hands now, too. “That doesna mean I don’t have my hopes that I’ll end up with more. I wouldn’t involve myself otherwise.”

“And if yer hopes are dashed?”

“Then I hurt . . . and I heal. But ’tis no’ only about me, this, is it? What of your pain, Shay, what of your disappointment? What if I’m the one who can’t see it through? Why are you so certain I’m the one who’ll be hurt?”

“That’s just it, I dinnae think there is any way to escape unscathed, on either side. I see the ravages of it, every day. Even those who don’t mean to hurt the one they loved, do it anyway. A person can’t help feeling . . . and then losing that feeling, even if it breaks the heart of someone they otherwise cherish.” He saw the flicker of knowing, of remembered pain, flash quickly over her face, and felt horrible for bringing her own past to mind.

But the expression went as swiftly as it came, and her voice was as sure as it had been before when she said, “It’s a risk, aye, the hope that both parties will forever want the same things, want each other. But you’re forgetting . . . not everyone wants to escape. You’re surrounded by great evidence of that, an island full of them, in fact.”

“Aye, I know, but—”

“I dinnae know how you do wha’ ye do, Shay. I truly don’t. And I clearly see how it would take a toll on you or any man, to be such an intimate part of other people’s pain, day in and day out. I question, though, why inflict it on yourself? Why do it? It clearly takes a toll on you. So much so, it’s informed your life choices, made you cut yourself off from what I think it is you might really want.” She tightened her hold on his face, making him aware all over again of the intimacy their bodies shared. “I know it was your father’s work, but it doesnae have to be yours, does it? And this isn’t a judgment of your father, but I think maybe ye need a colder, or perhaps a more singularly practical heart for that kind of work.”

“What makes you think I’m no’ cold and practical?”

“This,” she said, simply, and leaned in and kissed him.

He realized then that he honestly had no choice in the matter at all. She was here. So suddenly now in his arms, in his life. He’d taken the critical step . . . and there was no turning back. No pretending he hadn’t done this, tasted her . . . and finally wanted what he’d never allowed himself to want.

She kissed him . . . and he took her. Laid claim. A full out siege, in fact. She teased him, just once, with the tip of her tongue, and he hungrily pulled it into his mouth, suckling on her, taking her inside him the way he wanted to be taken inside of her.

Her gasps quickly turned to moans and she writhed against him, arching away from the wall, thrusting her hips forward. He pressed her back to the wall, sliding his hands behind her thighs and urging her legs around his waist.

No more thinking, only acting. Only taking. Stepping farther down the path . . . whether to his salvation or his destruction, it no longer mattered. It was a journey already undertaken. Retreating now wouldn’t change anything.

She dug her heels into his buttocks, finally able to press herself directly against the hard, rigid length of him, her thin nightgown only molding her more perfectly to him. His thighs shook under the restraint of not driving himself forward between her thighs. His hands shook as well as he slid them up her waist until he could cup her breasts.

She cried out against his mouth, her hips moving rhythmically against him now as he filled his palms with the soft weight of her breasts, rubbing, gently rolling her tightly budded nipples between his fingers. He was moving his hips, too, no longer able to control it, not entirely sure he was going to be able to stop, or contain himself, as his body was already begging for release.

She was pulling at his shirt, trying to tug it from the waistband of his belted trousers. And when she finally managed it and tugged open buttons, pulling up the white cotton undershirt he wore beneath it, and her hands finally touched his hot flesh . . . what restraint was left, snapped.

He slid her farther up the wall and broke free of her mouth, only so he could close lips wet from hers over first one rigid nipple, then another. She cried out again, twisting against him, her hands knotting in his hair, pressing him closer, urging him to take more.

Her thin nightgown tore easily under his teeth when he yanked. She didn’t even flinch. Her thighs merely tightened against him and she groaned, from somewhere deep in her throat . . . a sound as primal as the way he felt.

Her nipples were perfect rosebuds of dark pink against pale, soft skin, and the taste of them, the feel as he drew the tip of his tongue over them, making her shudder and twitch, was the sweetest thing he’d ever known.

He wanted all that pale, creamy skin bared to him, wanted to run his tongue over every inch, every freckle, every dimple and curve. With only that goal in mind, he ordered, “Hold on,” and slid his arms around her, holding her to him as he blindly moved into her cottage, thinking he only needed a surface big enough for them to lie on.

“The door, there,” she panted.

The hot thrill of knowing they were of the same mind, without question or pretense, made his need for her that much fiercer.

He took in absolutely nothing of her surroundings, other than the shadow of a bed in the dim lighting of the curtained room.

“It’s a bit lumpy, I’m afraid—” she began, but he cut her off with his mouth on hers, as he propped one knee on the mattress, then lowered them both down upon it.

He made quick work of her nightgown and robe as her hands moved frantically over him, pulling off his shirt, tugging the undershirt over his head. He shucked trousers and boots in short order. But, once naked, rather than the growling, animalistic coupling he’d imagined, she instead pushed him to his back, startling him into a moment of inaction.

Her cheeks were most beautifully flushed and her hair was mussed and wild, the way it would be when a man’s hands had been in it. Her man’s hands. His hands. Another primal thrill shot through him and he wondered what in the hell he’d become. But it was her smile that caught at him, as it always did.

“What is it?” he asked, when she didn’t immediately speak. “Oh,” he said, as it occurred to him why any woman would halt a man about to do . . . what he’d so clearly been about to do, “if it’s about protection—”

She laughed then, a short little lilt, but rather than make him feel dundering for the awkward mention, he found himself smiling along with her.

“I’ve no doubt you’re always well prepared, Mr. Solicitor. For anything,” she teased, still breathing quite unevenly, hair wild about her flushed face.

I wasn’t prepared for you, he thought.

“But, ye needn’t worry on that score,” she assured him. “I’m already protected.”

“Are ye now?”

She lifted an eyebrow at that, but she didn’t look insulted. In fact, she laughed again. “Why, Mr. Callaghan, could it be you’re a wee bit put out at the notion that I might have felt the need for protection, when I haven’t been with the likes of you as yet.”

“Well, no . . . of course no’, you’re a grown woman, free to do as ye like, I didnae mean—”

“It’s okay,” she interrupted him. “I rather like it that I stir up your possessive instincts.”

“Ye’ve stirred me up, all right, but I’ve never—”

“Shay,” she said, her voice softer, her gaze as steady as her smile. “Would it make ye feel any better to know that I’m no’ happy to know you’re carrying protection about when ye haven’t been with the likes of me as yet, either?”

He might have smiled at that. A wee curve of the lips, anyway. “So, what is this all about then? Why did you stop me?”

She brushed at the hair on his forehead, then traced a finger over his lips again. “On the off chance this really is the most beautiful dream I’ve had of you yet, and I simply haven’t woken up from it, or that you’ll do as you threaten to do, and take off for the hills once we’ve . . . done what we can do, I thought I’d rather like to slow all this down. Savor all the . . . bits. And the pieces.” She slid down a little lower then and pressed a kiss to the center of his chest, glancing up to meet his gaze with a particularly wicked twinkle to her eyes that he wouldn’t have thought her capable of.

It was a discovery he didn’t mind making in the least.

“And, what of my, erm, bits and pieces?” he asked, wanting to be playful for her, with her . . . but not entirely sure how. His hunger was still an almost savage, commanding thing. It was all he could do to lie still.

“I don’t know,” she said, then pressed another kiss, then yet another, until she was close enough to surprise him with a quick, soft nip of her lips over his nipple.

The little sizzle of pleasure that gave him was a distinct surprise, but before he could say, or do, anything about it, she began a trail of soft little kisses along the narrow line of hair that arrowed down the center of his abdomen, and murmured, “but I daresay I plan to find out.”

“Kira, ye dinnae have to—oh . . . God . . . almighty . . .” The words trickled off to a long, strangled growl, right before he slammed his head back against the mattress, and closed his eyes. Her tongue, brushing the very tip of him . . . “Och, luv, but I dinnae think I—I canno’—”

And, oh, aye, though he was quite wanting to let her, he gritted his teeth and resisted the need to simply let go. “This is no’ how I plan for things to go.” He reached down for her, pulling her up, then rolling her under him. “No’ this time.”

“This time?” she queried, smiling merrily up at him.

“Aye,” he said, certain, at least, of that much. “This time.”

And, with that, he laid claim to her mouth again, glorying in teasing, tasting, dueling tongue to tongue. It was both urgent and languid. He kissed her with absolute intent . . . and yet felt he had all the time in the world to get there.

He splayed his fingers into her hair, raking through the silky strands as they continued to kiss, ardently, thoroughly, as if that mating alone was their only goal. And though their bodies were in full contact, and he wanted desperately to slide inside her . . . at the moment, he found the longer they took, just kissing, the more intimate he felt with her, the more he felt he began to know her, feel what made her arch against him, what made her gasp, what made her growl . . . what made her soften, and what made her turn aggressor.

And by the time she wrapped her legs around his hips and lifted herself to him, it was as if a lifetime had passed, unspoken between them. He pushed into her, slowly, deeply, and she took him, oh so fully and completely, but it was her gaze on his that told him she was taking far more into her body than just his own. She wove her fingers into his hair, and turned his mouth back to hers . . . and never once, in his entire life, had he had such a pure sense of what it was to finally come home.