Chapter 19: Do Not Pass - Discovery

The world seems to stop. All sound, all feeling, everything. Moonlight softly shines on Mom’s words. I touch them with my fingers. Tears slide down my cheeks. Questions crowd into my mind. Why did she write to me? Did she know she was going to die in childbirth? I turn the page.

“My darling Winifred. Please know that I love you more than life itself. Even death can’t change that. If you are reading this, then I didn’t survive your birth. The depth of my grief is unfathomable. I am so sorry. For myself, but mostly for you, your dad and David. I wanted to be with all of you more than anything in the world.

“You have the right to know why this happened. I imagine your dad won’t tell you. At least, not until you are grown. He won’t want you to think that you are responsible in any way. You are not! It will be hard on him, especially since your brother is still a boy.

“I almost died when David was born. There was no pain. Just an easy fading away. Hemophilia runs in our family, but we had three generations without male children. Although I don’t have the disease, I bleed more than normal in major situations, like childbirth.

“I was never supposed to have another child. As careful as we were, God had other plans and blessed me with you.

“The doctors are taking every precaution to insure our safety.

”For nine months, I will cherish every minute we have together. David and I are making the garden for you. It amazes me how smart he is. I will be watching to see how your gifts bloom if I can’t be with you.”

The words blur with my tears. I can’t stop crying. I don’t notice Fairy Godmonster is back until she takes me in her arms.

“Let go, child.”

My whole body heaves with sobs. She holds me for a long time. Until a great calm washes me with warmth and the tears fade away.

“Let’s finish this together.”

We silently read page after page.

I laugh when Mom tells me how she locked herself out of the house when she was twelve. She begged her mom to let her stay alone, that she was mature enough to take care of herself. She used a rope to shimmy down the chimney. When her parents walked in the door, she and the living room were black with soot.

I cry when the same house burns down and she loses her best friend, the doll that knows her special secrets.

As Mom tells me about her life, the hole in mine starts to fill. I get to know about her temper. Like mine! Her parents, boyfriends, heartaches and joys. And her one great love, my dad.

“I wish for you the same kind of man as your dad, if you choose to marry. One who is gentle, giving, funny, thoughtful and loving beyond all measure. No, he’s not an angel. He sees only the good and sometimes lets people decide what they think is best for him, to his detriment. Perhaps his biggest fault is in giving too much to everyone and not saving enough for himself. For then he gets angry inside and frustrated.”

I read with awe as Mom gives me all kinds of advice that can help me for the rest of my life. It seems like only minutes have passed when I reach the last page. I don’t want her words to end.

“Be strong, but gentle, my Winifred. Passionate and committed to your dreams. And remember above all else, love is the most important essence in the world. Love everything, for you are a special part of it. Especially - love yourself. You are the only one like you in the world.

“I am always with you. I love you forever. Mom.”

I close the cover on Mom’s precious words, exhausted, but content. Gently placing the book back inside the trunk, I put the broken horse next to it and close the lid.

Fairy Godmonster whispers, “You need to sleep now.”

I nod.

She carries me to the bed and tucks me under the covers. “Sweet dreams.”

I fall asleep instantly, not caring what tomorrow brings.