35.

The news footage is quite famous now. If one is to believe what bank tellers say in breakrooms, it has become a ubiquitous presence in Psychology, English, Sociology, Media Studies, and Communication courses in universities across the country. An amazing phenomenon when you consider that neither Audrey, nor her feat, actually appear on screen. Still, it’s worth recounting here. For grins. I know it makes me grin.

WKZO Channel Three, the local CBS affiliate, broke the story on October 19, 1995. The medium shot is of Judy Holland, a woman heavy with mascara and rouge and crowned by an impressive dome of blond hair. She stands in front of The Caboose at approximately twenty yards’ distance. The sky is grayish-white, showing no sign of the sun. The day is blustery, evidenced by Judy’s occasional wince as the wind assaults her face. Judy holds a slender (the girth of a hot dog) microphone in her right hand, positioned so its tip is just below her chin. Her left hand is pressed against the side of her head, presumably to put a finger into her ear. She is broadcasting a live feed to desk anchor James Riley. James is a round-faced man in his early fifties, with square, rimless glasses and thinning hair. He looks relaxed and moderately handsome in his conservative blue suit and yellow tie. His right forearm rests on the desk. A confident, almost cocky gleam lights his turquoise eyes. The screen is split—left half James, right half Judy.

“What’s going on there, Judy?”

“James, I’m here at The Caboose, a diner that has been a fixture in Kalamazoo for over twenty years. As you can see, there’s a crowd gathered behind me. According to the owners, these folks were in the middle of eating their breakfasts about four hours ago when a young woman walked inside the restaurant, and without even waiting to be seated, started to eat one of the chairs.”

“Judy, I need to check my earpiece. Did you say eat one of the chairs?”

“Yes, Jim. I talked to one gentleman who was enjoying a pancake stack with no butter at a nearby table, and he described hearing a loud breaking sound. He looked to his right to see this young woman with the wooden chair leg protruding from her mouth. He said it took less than five seconds for her to swallow it. ‘Like she was eating a carrot,’ he said. Jim, I’ve talked with a few other people who confirm that the woman consumed the entire chair.”

“What kind of chair are we talking about, Judy? A toy chair, like a doll house thing?”

“No, James. A regulation-sized chair, like you have at your dinner table. Solid wood, most likely some kind of tree-based wood. Put it this way, The Caboose has never replaced their original chairs, so we’re talking about an actual adult table chair. The young woman went on to eat the napkin holders, the carafes, the upholstered booths . . .”

“Judy, is this some kind of college prank? Fake props, that sort of thing?”

“Jim, that’s what the owners originally thought, but to hear the eyewitness testimony, this would’ve had to be a very professional, very well-funded hoax. People we talked to described ‘ferocious teeth,’ ‘mouthfuls of glass and metal,’ and a ‘blankness in her eyes that chilled the blood.’ Until proven otherwise, the authorities are operating under the assumption that the woman is literally eating The Caboose. As a precaution, the building has been evacuated, and police have cordoned off the perimeter to keep new patrons away. Now, we can’t tell you exactly what is going on inside, but if you listen—I don’t know if you can hear this—there is a defi-nite sound that I would describe as gnawing or chewing. If you can imagine someone munching a bowl of Grape Nuts or stale potato chips right beside your ear. It’s sort of like that. I don’t know if that’s coming through or not . . .”

“There is a grinding in the background, Judy . . .”

“We can definitely hear it out here in the parking lot. It’s been a constant background noise since our crew arrived. So again, without visual confirmation, police are operating under the assumption that the woman is still inside and is genuinely eating the restaurant.”

“Well, at least she’s being genuine.”

“What’s that, Jim?”

“Judy, what are the police doing? Do they have a plan?”

“Jim, they’ve decided to wait it out. I spoke with their captain, and his rationale is that the woman isn’t hurting anyone, except possibly herself by ingesting some sharp or corroded metals, but that if she is bound and determined to eat a few chairs and salt shakers, then they’ll go ahead and let her do what she needs to do until she gets full and incapacitated, at which time they will arrest her for destruction of private property.”

“Judy, are the owners okay with that strategy? They can’t be happy that their restaurant is being eaten, can they?”

“Surprisingly, Jim, they’re fine with it. I spoke with Claire and Bart Cooper, and they told me that this was the most attention their restaurant has gotten in twenty-three years. Bart told me, in fact, that they were already considering using this incident in future promotions—something along the lines of ‘The restaurant so good, you’ll want to eat the furniture.’ ”