To the Gentlemen of the Great West Life Insurance Company, Esteem’d Claims Officers:
It was, no doubt, with Consternation and Regret that you learned of the Fire at Dreamland Amusement Park, that besmirch’d Day of 27 May. ’Tis a Day, to be sure, that I should wish to wipe clean from my Mem’ry, were it not for certain pressing monetary Considerations that I must call to your Attention. Allow me, Men of Finance, to proceed with a brief retelling of His Almighty’s inscrutable Whims on the Night previous to said Day.
In accordance with our Policy of mark’d continual Improvement, and to restore Coney Island to the Heights of Fantazy and Rantipole (a Challenge our honourable Competitors at Luna Park failed mizerably to achieve), the Directors of Dreamland assessed, in sage Turns, the Need for last-minute Renovations. These were carried out dutifully on the Night of 26 May. In great Anticipation of Opening Day the following Morning, Labourers set upon the Hell’s Gate Concession to caulk it capably with Buckets of hot Pitch.
As you surely have heard from my Colleagues, between Sunfall and Sunrize, an Occurrence of unparalleled Misfortune happen’d. ’Twould appear as tho’ the Lightbulbs began to pop in a pell-mell Fashion. The Building caught Fire instantly, and the Flames spread with Haste to nearby Constructions. Notwithstanding the 1,750 Tonnes of Asbestos and other fireproofing Materials, the Amusements burn’d for their frames of Plaster and Lath.
’Twas to fight the devilish Conflagration of the Dreamland Tower that Fire Companies from across the Borough arriv’d to join the Combatants already assembled, and all of Brooklyn turn’d up to watch from the Sidelines. In the Blink of an Eye, numerous Assets were consum’d, among them Chilkoot Pass, Canals of Venice, Revels of Japan, Coasting through Switzerland, Destruction of Pompeii, Shoot-the-Chutes, Parisian Novelty, and Hiram Maxim’s Airships. A formidable Twist of Irony can be observed in that not even those in the Employ of the Fighting the Flames Concession were able to tame a single Lick of Flame with their Fire Hoses.
Compassionate Gentlemen, no Horror can compare to that experienced by the Beasts shelter’d in the Animal Arena. To circumvent the Rise of a general Panic among the Antelope, Lynx, Wolves, Bears, Lions, Zebras, and Baboons, I, in my Wisdom, freed them from their Cages and kept them trotting in the Roundabout with smart Cracks of the Whip. Only Little Hip, the darling Elephant whose Antics are regal’d as far away as Manhattan, refus’d to leave his Cage. I implore the Officers of the reputable Great West Life Insurance Company to note that I took all reasonable Actions to coax out this Prize of my Coterie, to no Avail.
Little Hip witnessed the Dreamland Tower fall upon the other Animals as in the frightful Reverie in the Book of Revelation, Chapter 16, Verse 8, which you well remember from your Catechisms: “And the fourth Angel poured out his Vial upon the Sun; and the power was granted unto him to scorch the Men with Fire.” That day, the Wickedness of Mankind brought a Scourge likewise to innocent Beasts, and Sorrow into my Bosom, I assure you.
The Shetland Ponies and Victoria, the Pregnant Lion, managed to run to Safety. Disaster, however, showed its ghastly Face when the scarlet Fire envelop’d the hapless Zebras and Lions, who scattered with Manes aflame through the crisped Gates of Dreamland, sounding their Death-Screams askance into Brooklyn, seven of them in total.
We are here put in mind of Revelation, Chapter 17, Verse 3: “I saw a woman sitting on a scarlet-coloured beast full of names of blasphemy. It had seven heads and ten horns.”
The Platypusses, sick Aberrations of Faunae that they are, were braised uniformly out of this World by the Grace of God. To prevent further Displays of this shocking Nature, I mercifully produc’d Lead Bullets from my Pistol into the Skulls of the Horses, Pumas, Hyenas, and, yes, the remaining Lions, bringing their Nightmare to a Close.
Only Little Hip, judicious Officers, would I not shoot. Surrounded by inescapable Heat, he trumpeted his last Breaths with great Noise before bravely succumbing to Hades. After a careful Examination of the Facts, you will no doubt ascertain that I employed all measures within my Power to preserve the Life of this expensive Attraction, as the Pachyderm is not obtained cheaply through any of the common Asian or African Routes.
Gentlemen of the Great West Life Insurance Company, it is with this Letter and the faithfully enclosed Receipt that I justify my Claim of $723.18 for said Elephant. Far be it from my Intentions to amend our Contract with a Coddleshell, but I have also attached Documents that demonstrate the current Tusk and Penis market Value, vis-à-vis a post-mortem Standpoint.
May Mankind never again witness such a Tragedy, we pray.
Only you have the Wherewithal to compensate for what the Lord has wrought on this wretched Creature.
Truthfully Yours,
Captain Jack Bonavita
Animal Trainer