Whoever shot this video a) knows
their way around the Elephant House at the Pozna
Zoo and b)
knows the hottest camera angles for porn.
High-angle shot:
Ninio is lifting his trunk at another elephant across the play area. “I’m coming hither,” the move says. He struts over and corners the object of his lust. Her name is Elvira, says a clip-art bubble.
Dutch tilt:
A shot overused in sci-fi flicks, underused in the skin trade. The camera simulates Ninio peering curiously into her pussy. Meaty, wrinkled labia protrude. Skin has superior texture in this flick, and the resolution catches all.
Establishing shot:
Looking at Ninio’s tectonic head as if from inside Elvira’s cunt. A curious image with an unequivocal message: come pound the sweet fuck out of me.
Whip pan:
The camera pivots breakneck to Ninio’s cock. It’s a four-foot brown stalk with a curlicue bend, and it’s snapping into a frenzy. Pre-cum drips in goopy ropes, enough sperm to father six million pounds of baby elephants, says a text bubble.
Extreme close-up:
Elvira’s eye, a drippy orb. Subtle camera movement catches, in her black-hole pupil, the reflection of Ninio mounting her from behind.
Zoosexual cinema is governed by a screwy set of laws; like many vices, it can be consumed but not sold. Only the best films merit black-market circulation. They must be unerringly artistic and have glints of pathos, or they will never ignite word-of-mouth.
Bird’s-eye shot:
Is there a camera crew? If it’s only one person running from shot to shot, then it’s damn impressive. Ninio hugs Elvira’s back with his front legs and she farts a massive gust of wind under the exertion. Nothing makes an elephant porn movie go viral like a five-second raunch clip, because nobody does raunch like elephants.
Low-angle shot:
Extremely dangerous shot, with risk of trampling. So, so worth it. Ninio’s dick is the god of all phalluses, and it jerks around trying to find Elvira’s snatch, slapping her enormous MILF butt and hot thighs. It finally docks into her, stretching a gape and forcing out a bubbly queef. You’d never catch a noise that subtle in the wild.
Moving Dutch tilt:
The following could be cut-in footage, because the lighting is slightly different. The average consumer, however, will never notice.
Disoriented pleasure. Elvira doesn’t have to shake her head back and forth, because the camera does it for her. She trumpets her body joy in cascading echoes, and we see inside her luscious mouth. It’s wet and cavernous, with harmlessly round teeth. Cardinal rule of pachyporn: always hint at a blowjob scene for the sequel, even though it’ll never happen.
Preggo vids will make you a mint, if you know how to film with maternal sensibilities. Unfortunately, Elvira isn’t packing any embryos.
Bird’s-eye shot:
Ninio straightens his back, pushes his head up, and thrusts the rest of his meat into Elvira. One lurch is all it takes. The camera catches a touch of moongleam in his eye. He’s there.
Extreme close-up:
Ninio pulls out and dismounts. Semen and paraurethral fluid gush out of Elvira’s pussy, splattering the lens. It’s all good in the new school of cinematography. Then she pisses a river, Ninio sucks a few litres into his trunk, and he sprinkles it over them both.
But it’s not the fancy-footed grip work, or the incontinence, or the near-constant zoom-ins on Elvira’s rawhide pubes that will make this film a bestseller. It’s the last clip-art bubble:
“Gay icon? I don’t think so.”
We’re looking at a street-corner smash, and maybe even a Zoomie nomination.