58

Death Row

The one simple visit from the chaplain alone opened Brady to days of harassment from his pod mates. Did he dare order books or request another meeting? If these guys saw him cuffed up and ushered out for anything but his shower or his exercise hour, he’d never hear the end of it.

Brady knew he was in trouble, however, when he quit looking forward to anything. Anything.

He used to enjoy TV, and when he was without it for the first three months, he had craved it. Now he watched because there was nothing else to do. And he was drawn to old movies, but nothing else really interested him.

Sleep still eluded him, and meals were so bland and same-ish that he blamed his nausea and lack of appetite on that. How was he going to endure this sentence if nothing would help him burn the hours and days?

Brady wondered if he was going crazy. Not that that would necessarily be bad. Who cared? He sure didn’t. Losing his mind might be interesting; if nothing else, a distraction. The problem was that as fewer and fewer things even attracted his attention, he began to sleepwalk through his days.

Night was no different. Except that the noises changed because of no TV after midnight, little differentiated night from day. Everyone lived in noisy darkness and stench. Brady wished he could force himself to get interested in the news, comedies, sitcoms, documentaries, sports, anything.

He would sit staring blankly at the screen, determined to keep the black hole of memory from invading his brain. But it was futile. The scene always began with Katie North speaking to him as if he were an imbecile, amazed that he actually thought there had ever really been something between them.

Was it possible he had been wrong all along? He couldn’t make it compute, couldn’t convince himself that it was simply because his love for her was so deep that he had only imagined it went both ways. Had he wanted to believe it so badly that he read all of her politeness and friendliness and mischief as true love when she was, as she claimed, just having fun?

It couldn’t be. And the more her questions from that final conversation echoed in his brain—the ones about what he thought was going to happen in the future—the more he dreaded what was coming next. Where would he work, what would he do, what would she do? He had no answers and she was on her way out of the car.

But wait!

Wait!

And he was reaching into the backseat, and now it all went to slow motion. Something had burned onto his mind every detail, every drop of sweat, the exact hue of her ashen face, the sweep of her hair as she turned to slide out, the sound, the horrid sound of the blast, and then . . . and then . . . everything else.

No matter how many times the ugly scene played out in Brady’s mind, he couldn’t get it to change, to fade, to adjust. It was as if the explosions from those barrels had torn his lover in two and killed him in the process. And yet he had not died. At least physically. But there was nothing left of him but a body and a mind. Everything else seemed utterly gone.

Guilty, guilty, guilty.

There was no excuse. Oh, of course, he’d had his reasons, but he had hit a fly with a sledgehammer. He could have simply told her off, screamed at her, slapped her. He could have cussed her out, pushed her from the car, even pulled her hair.

Brady would have been charged and prosecuted and punished for most or all of that too, but it might have at least fit the situation in some extreme way. But no. He had acted without thinking. He had let his rage, his shame, his humiliation, his abysmal disappointment over losing her lead him to take matters into his own foolish hands.

As soon as the detonation assaulted his eardrums, Brady had known. There wasn’t a split second of wondering if this was real or whether there was some way to take it back, to start over. He knew his beautiful Katie was dead before she hit the ground and that his life was over too.

Guilty, guilty, guilty.

And he was going to hell.

This unending replay continued for days, and finally the morning arrived when Brady didn’t even bother to turn on his TV. He didn’t retrieve his meal tray when it was delivered, and thus he didn’t have to return it to the slot.

But that was duly noted and reported, and he was warned that if he continued to starve himself, he would be moved to a psychiatric facility for diagnosis and therapy. He didn’t care. Some cons looked forward to such diversions and even faked neuroses and psychoses, but this was anything but an act.

Brady didn’t want any attention. He just wanted to die. And yet he didn’t want to go to hell.

At the predinner count he took a little too long to rise from his cot and the officer shouted, “You want me to bring the extraction team in here, Darby? Don’t tempt me. Because I’ll do it and you’ll wish I hadn’t. Now get up and show yourself. And you’d better be eating tonight or we’re shipping you out of here.”

Brady just nodded. And when dinner came, such as it was, he forced himself to eat. Even after having fasted almost twenty-four hours, nothing tasted right, and it was all he could do to eat enough to make them leave him alone.

He put his tray in the slot and returned to his cot, lay in a fetal position, and closed his eyes. There would be no sleeping, and sure enough, someone from the end cell of another unit saw him and announced, “Check it out! The Heiress Murderer has assumed the position!”

“Curled up?”

“Yeah!”

“Crying?”

“Probably! Let it out, boy! Let us hear you!”

Brady did want to cry. He wanted to sob, to wail, to curse himself. He buried his face in his blanket, and from the depths of his soul came raspy, guttural moans. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he screamed, muffling his cries, shoulders heaving.

He could still hear the others taunting and teasing and berating him. Brady no longer cared. He wanted to bellow and curse them, but that would be playing right into their hands. They already probably thought they had pushed him to this point. But they hadn’t at all. He had done it himself.

Loser, loser, loser.

He couldn’t remember having made a right decision for as long as he lived. Even when things temporarily went right—when he landed the musical role, or got a job, or helped the antigang unit, or turned over a new leaf at Serenity, or loved his woman the best he knew how—eventually he messed it all up.

And now this.

Who was he that he suddenly belonged in prison, condemned to die? It seemed he had moved overnight from mouthing off in grade school to lying despicable and broken on death row. How had it happened? How had he let it happen?

Beyond hope.

Suddenly Brady sat straight up and let his feet hit the floor. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He was through crying about it. He had brought this on himself. He was responsible, had done it, caused it all.

There was no one to blame but himself, and what future was there in wallowing in it? He had no future. Brady would cause no more trouble for himself or anyone else. He would park his mind in neutral and consider this a marathon, not a sprint. He would go through the motions one had to go through to do his time, and that was all.

Maybe he couldn’t sleep or eat like he wanted to, but he would go to bed at midnight every night and lie there until awakened for the first count of the day. He would eat his breakfast, all of it, regardless how long it took to force it down. He would eat all his meals, watch TV all day—just to know what time it was—would shower and shave when it was his turn, stand around in the exercise kennel during his hour, and speak to no one unless it was absolutely necessary.

If he found himself going stir-crazy again, maybe he would ask for the occasional magazine or newspaper or book.

And when the terrible images invaded again, as he knew they would, he would simply watch as they flashed past. Brady was as sorry as he knew how to be, but there would be no apologizing to anyone.

Strangely, Brady found he did believe. He believed in God and even Jesus. And he believed in hell. Something must have stuck in that stupid brain years ago from church and Sunday school and hymn sings at Aunt Lois’s little church, because there was no longer a doubt in his mind that he was going to wind up there, burning for eternity, just as Jordan North said he deserved.

When he settled into that routine, having essentially surrendered to his fate, Brady found himself flat, sad beyond measure. His only consolation was that he knew justice would be served. How did the cliché go? He had made his bed . . .

Mail call brought another note from Aunt Lois. She and Carl were still praying and still pleading with him to put them on the visitors list so they could come see him. At least she didn’t mention any more about knowing he hadn’t meant to do what he did.

Poor lady, he thought. She really cares.

Too bad he didn’t.

Brady tore the letter and the envelope into little pieces and tried to flush them down his toilet. Didn’t work. He couldn’t do anything right. The commode backed up and flooded his floor, and when he called for help, the place went nuts.

He was forced to mop up the mess himself, then was accused of having done it on purpose and hauled off to Ad Seg while a plumber came in to repair the fixture. While in the intake cell, shivering in his underwear and living on the cold bologna sandwiches, Brady was informed that a review board had determined he would spend a total of three days and nights right where he was.

Brady was furious. No wonder men went crazy here. Why would he flood his own cell? And was seventy-two hours in an intake cell justified? On the other hand, who cared? According to most who knew anything about his case, death was too good for him. What was a few days of more discomfort?

Brady began praying he would fall sick and die. But then he remembered what eternity held for him and decided to go back to simply trying to endure his time.

Administration Wing

“You hear your boy is in Ad Seg?” Gladys said.

Thomas shot her a double take. “Darby?”

She told him what had happened.

“Makes no sense,” he said. “Was he belligerent?”

She shook her head. “Claimed it was an accident, but he’s been docile as a lamb. Just like always.”

Thomas had not felt released from his compulsion to pray for the man. Now he had an idea. Was it time to parlay his years in this place for a little privilege? He knew if he asked Frank LeRoy for permission to just mosey past the intake cell and see if he could strike up a conversation with Brady Darby, the warden would respond with the trademark answer that had given him his nickname.

So instead of asking, Thomas grabbed his Bible and a few books, just for props. He wanted to look like he was on an errand and would be careful not to lie; people could think what they wanted. In truth, he was just on his way past intake to the last pod on that floor.

For what?

For nothing. He hoped no one would ask. Thomas had simply decided to take a stroll to that location and come back. If he got a chance to whisper a word or two to Brady Wayne Darby, well, wouldn’t that be an interesting development?

As he moved through the security envelopes, the occasional officer said, “Visiting, Reverend?”

“Just on an errand.”

A hundred yards from intake, his steps echoing throughout the unit, Thomas was praying desperately. Let him notice me and say something.

And for the first time in years, maybe ever, it seemed God impressed something so deeply on Thomas’s heart that it was almost audible. It was as if God said, “Tell him how I feel about him.”

Thomas’s knees buckled and he almost stumbled. He wished God would repeat Himself, but there was no doubt in his mind what he had heard or at least felt. And he also knew how God felt about Brady Wayne Darby. That was one thing Thomas Carey did know after a lifetime in the ministry.

As he passed the only occupied cell, there sat Brady in the typical Ad Seg pose, backed into one corner, head between his knees, forearms hugging his bare shins.

Thomas cleared his throat. Nothing.

He peered in at Brady, tempted to say something but knowing he would be heard over the intercom in the observation unit. Someone banged on the Plexiglas behind him. Thomas turned and saw the officer waving him on.

Thomas played dumb. He raised his brows as if to ask what the problem was. The officer came on the intercom. “No visitors in Ad Seg, Reverend. You know that.”

“Right. My mistake.”

When Thomas moved past the cell, Brady looked up, clearly surprised. Thomas whispered, “Got to tell you something.”

But the officer came on again immediately. “You’re on the edge, Reverend. You got business down here?”

“Sorry, officer. It’s just that God told me to tell this prisoner that He loves him, and now I realize I’m not at liberty to tell him that until he’s back in his own house.”

The officer laughed. “Yeah, okay then, God loves him. Think he heard that. Now keep moving before I have to report you.”

Thomas saluted and hurried back the way he had come. How he wished he could have seen the look on Darby’s face. That either piqued the man’s interest or Thomas had lost him forever. He wouldn’t know for two more days, minimum.