44

Saturday morning and Jessie sips her tepid coffee, the thin blackness of it settling in around her mouth like a crust. Her translucent skin is fine and the lines around her mouth fall easily into a scowl, possibly from smoking. She doesn’t wear make-up and she’s very thin. Why, she thinks, should I wear make-up? Just to conform to gender stereotypes? Don’t get her started.

She’s lived with Warren David Davis, a secondary school English teacher, for eight years now. They live in a pale weather board house in Kensington on a street full of other houses much like it. Louisa used to call it Lifesaver Street because the houses sitting shoulder to shoulder are the colours of a packet of Lifesavers. Pink tea roses with bronze leaves nod at the picket fence. Jess and Warren have two small scruffy dogs, Bert and Podge, as well as a cat named Sacheverall or some other wacky thing. Louisa has always called it Puss just to shit Jess and that seems to work.

Jess met Warren at a party in Elwood on a rainy night and they bunched up in a corner of a leaky verandah with the smokers and got talking about their ideas for living.

These days they have an understanding, they each work hard at their own saving of the world and they let the other be. She used to call him Warren David when they were in the first phase of love, which has long since slipped away.

He wears his greying hair longish possibly, she thinks, because he believes it keeps him looking young. But Jess reckons he’s just plain wrong. He’s pin-thin like her with skin like creased linen.

Jessie realises there’s something of Emmett in Warren’s passion for words but she doesn’t dwell on it. Besides, he’s so different in every other way. He’s enough for her. He’s gentle, reliable and he’s kind. Even does the washing properly and without arguments.

Though he believes he loves Jessie, Warren doesn’t love Jessie’s temper especially when it’s aimed squarely at him. Or when anything that comes to hand gets thrown at him – picture frames, vases, bunches of keys. He loves her for her work but just as much for the sorrow she’s seen because it’s something deep and old, something he could really help with.

And he’s struck to stillness by the stories of her life. Sometimes when she talks about her family, especially her father Emmett, he is silenced. Words can’t find their way out of him when Jessie speaks about Emmett.

At first he was amazed by the stories of Emmett’s behaviour and decided the man must have been mentally ill. That time he dragged the little Jessie from her bed, cracking her head on the floor, leaving her concussed with a huge swelling egg on her temple, left his heart thudding and she hadn’t even told him about the other kids.

But then other times he hears love in Jessie’s voice when she speaks of him, and it puzzles him. How can you love a monster? Why would you?

When she’s with her brothers and sister and they’re talking about Emmett, then he knows she’s lost to him, but he doesn’t mind one bit. Seeing her happy and involved and buoyed up by them is a relief. Took him a whole year to work out that whatever is wrong with Jessie is wrong with them all and it’s well beyond his simple healing.

But love is a strange beast. He’s always thought Emmett Brown was a pompous bore, a chronic alcoholic and probably manic depressive. Sounds simple when you say it fast but give it a lifetime, and make him your father, and it’s a whole different thing.

That Saturday morning in the hollow of quiet that descends on people without children, Jessie watches the seeds and she sees the shape of the wind moving them, the hills and the valleys. The seeds might seem to have one flight in them but they lift themselves again and again like helicopters into the breeze and then discarded, they mount up near the back door as she imagines snow might in Canada. She always wanted to go to Canada. Neil Young comes from there. When she first heard that thin voice singing ‘Harvest’, she was gone and Canada was sanctified.

Jessie and Warren’s place lies between two train stations and the trains pass rhythmically in a loop of sound that suggests cattle thundering in a canyon. The sound is trapped and early in the mornings when the trains first start up the clattering echos in the basin of the streets.

Next door, up in the flats, the Vietnamese woman lays her washing along the railings and ties it down with plastic-coated wire already in place. Jess raises a hand in a gesture of friendliness and shyly, the woman bows back. Jessie feels moved to say; ‘You have a lot of washing today.’ The old woman nods and wordlessly retreats into the flat, as silent as air.

There are birds passing in the highways of the air, sluicing their way towards other places. If this were Canada they might be migrating and wouldn’t that be something? Great clouds of wings heading somewhere. But we don’t have migratory birds, she thinks, and casts the dregs of her coffee into the flourishing weeds that make up her garden. She believes the only thing this place has in common with Canada is air.

Jessie still works in the Rainbow women’s refuge and for all that, she’s not completely humourless. Sometimes she laughs with the women who come to see her for advice, but she does this just to see them smile and when they do she gets a glimpse of who they might be. Her sense of humour, like her mother’s, is held in reserve.

She doesn’t allow herself much emotion at work. Keeps a tight rein. It’s no accident that she works where she does, she understands the connections, but she’s ruthlessly professional and effective.

Feminists who worry about politics are cracked, she reckons. From where she stands, life and death are the things that count and life can be very short when your husband is a brute. Her intensity is legend and intimidating.

The sisters’ relationship has spun out after Louisa’s illness and they never get back to the jokey ease of where they once were. They take turns but usually Jessie taunts and Louisa resents, and each strives to be Anne’s Most Beloved Daughter.

Jessie makes up ground with her mother when Louisa is sick with long chats on the phone in the evening. On those nights, over at the desk, Warren sighs beside a cold cup of coffee while he marks an endless, teetering pile of indecipherable school work, half of it on torn paper, one on kitchen paper.

Jess sees him slumped there, giving each child’s effort his all, and watches as he writes half a page of encouragement and wonders why she doesn’t throw down the phone and go to him, put her arms around him and tell him she loves him. It’s a fleeting thought. He knows she loves him, she thinks tartly, of course he does.

After a while on the phone, listening to her mother talk about the other, it dawns on Jess that Anne always loves the one she’s not with, and listening to her mother’s intimate worries about the others makes her long to ask: what about me?

But the rules say she must continue steadfastly and she reckons she could listen for Australia. She notes the peeling wallpaper in the room, the pile of clean clothes that must be put away and that she needs to cut her toenails. But for Anne the real question is, when is Robbie going to find a nice girl? One who fully understands and supports him.

Anne hasn’t been told what’s wrong with Louisa but she knows something’s up because she hasn’t heard from her in a long while and distance makes her special. She will be told, but not until it’s almost over. ‘Those children are running her into the ground,’ she tells Jess. ‘Mmm, I know,’ Jess says, as the feathery cat settles and curls on her lap. ‘I know.’

The solitary light from the porch is still on and it steals through the curtains. Jess can tell that Anne is smoking while she talks, because she hears her mother’s long hungry drags. But then Jess is puffing away too. Neither mentions it to each other because each thinks the other is giving up. And suddenly Jess can’t talk about Louisa for another second. She could scream. ‘I’m sure she’s just been busy Mum,’ she says calmly, though Anne notes her terseness.

Jess doesn’t even consider having children. She’s seen them grind her sister down, take all the spark away from her and make her into a sad old bag. That’s family life for you, she thinks brightly, and anyway she’s got her causes to keep her busy. Battered women, animal rights and now she’s become a vegetarian. Pays to maintain your focus, she believes. And anyway, Warren doesn’t seem fussed about kids. He teaches so many he reckons he can do without his own, so the pressure to breed is absent. Anne’s not pushing it either. ‘You’ve got enough on your plate,’ she says and adds ominously, ‘and believe me, your life is not your own once you have children.’

The old elm tree in Jess’s backyard is getting more ragged every day. It’s too big for the space. Lost half of itself in Tuesday’s recent storm of the century but didn’t do much more than fall on the decrepit side fence and split it. So that was good.

Pete and Rob turn up one bright Saturday to trim up the elm, and Rob leaves the place shrouded in swirling sawdust. Pete sweeps a bit and leans on the broom a bit more.

‘Lovely day, Woz,’ he smiles. He messes around with the dogs, passing the broom in small circles so they jump up and chase it. ‘Whaddya reckon Wozza, how’re the mighty Dogs gonna go this year?’

‘I haven’t the faintest clue Pete, it’s all beyond me, as you well know.’

‘Now Woz, we’ve had this talk, ’member, and we sorted it. You agreed that you were going to be a staunch and even a defiant Dogs supporter. Don’t tell me you’re backtracking?’ He smiles and waves the broom again at Bert the old kelpie cross and the wind blows sawdust and elm leaves around in eddies.

Warren smiles weakly. ‘You really shouldn’t tease me Pete, it’s hard enough trying to make sense out of Jess. With two of you, I’ve got no hope.’ He brings out the radio and it drones on, a hose of noise in the background, and then out of nowhere, while they are sweeping, Warren turns to Peter and reports shyly, ‘The Dogs are doing well this year because of the new coach.’

Pete laughs and says, ‘Well, you’ve floored me there, but I’m bloody proud. It’s true mate, he cannot possibly be worse than the old one.’

At lunchtime when he sees the cupboard is bare, Pete nips down to the shops and buys four pies and a bottle of tomato sauce that, amazingly, Warren doesn’t use, much to the horror and possibly even to the mild disgust of the Browns.

Pete forgets about Jessie’s new vegetarian thing so Rob eats her pie while Pete makes her a toasted cheese. She’s a bit snaky about them not remembering she’s a vego but even as she tries not to make too big a deal about it, she impales them. ‘You’re disgusting carnivores, the lot of you,’ she says more fiercely than she means. Rob looks up from his second pie and laughs. ‘Be surprised if there was much meat at all in these pies,’ he says with a wink at Warren. ‘Maybe some ears and noses though. And a few tails.’

Jess looks at him and her eyes narrow and some part of her sees the humour. The other part is happier, though, seeing Pete bringing her a hot, melty cheese sandwich.