CHAPTER SIXTEEN
A Wicked Conglomerate

Dr Illustrious had very short silver hair, so short it was just a mat of sparkling bristles on his head. His eyes, the colour of polished river stones, gleamed and their pupils were abnormally large. They expanded ever further, like a stain, when he sighted Milli and Ernest. The long beard had disappeared, replaced by a trimmed moustache. He wore an elegant black suit, a spotty tie and his shoes were wrapped in the white muslin covers surgeons wear when they enter an operating theatre. Only one of his hands was bare; the other was encased in a fawn glove. The index finger of the gloved hand was missing, leaving a peculiar-looking gap, as if he had been taken apart and put back together in a hurry. Ernest noticed that one of his ears was also missing, the coral pink ear canal gruesomely exposed.

When Dr Illustrious threw his head back to examine the children more closely, they saw his lips were wrinkled like the skin on decaying fruit. His own skin was pulled taut over his bones but sagged beneath his eyes like two used teabags. The whites of his eyes (what remained of them) glowed like torches in his shrunken face. The disturbing calm that had always characterised him, abandoning him only temporarily during their last encounter, had returned. He regarded the children coolly, showing neither hatred nor triumph, merely an expression of emptiness. It made them think of a walking corpse.

Tempest Anomali spoke, still in her kneeling position. ‘We did not wish to disturb you, Master,’ she cried, the words oozing from her mouth like syrup, ‘but we have discovered something that had to be brought to your attention.’

Dr Illustrious stroked Tempest’s head, as if she were a household pet. ‘Yes,’ he said softly. ‘You were right to summon me. I prefer dealing with old enemies myself.’ His lips curled back over sharp teeth.

Tempest puffed up with self-importance as she sat on her knees and wagged a thin finger in the direction of the children. She seemed to be having difficulty keeping her dodgy eye from rolling back in her head, so overcome was she with devotion.

‘They were caught interfering with our plans,’ she told her master, ‘and they were not working alone.’

Dr Illustrious stared at the children with his glassy eyes. Without the long beard and hair ornaments, he appeared smaller and thinner and, if possible, even more chilling. He glided over to Milli and Ernest. They met his frozen stare, refusing to be cowed. He placed a gloved finger beneath Milli’s chin and lifted her face. She recoiled at his touch and a wave coursed through her body like icy water.

‘Older but no wiser, I see,’ he teased softly. He withdrew his finger and Milli was left feeling as if the intense cold had burnt a hole right through her skin. Dr Illustrious made a disapproving sound with his tongue. ‘You were hoping to surprise me, I think. I’m sorry to disappoint you but I have known of your presence since you arrived.’ His politeness set their nerves on edge.

‘We knew you had to be at the bottom of all this,’ said Milli, with a show of boldness she did not feel.

‘Sometimes you act every bit the child that you are,’ said Dr Illustrious with a smile. ‘I am disappointed in you two. Getting yourselves caught so soon rather spoils the fun.’

Tempest Anomali couldn’t control herself. ‘What are you going to do with them, Master?’ she asked in a tone of girlish excitement. ‘Bury them, barbecue them or blast them into space?’ She twisted a lock of her hair compulsively as she spoke.

‘Lovely ideas, thank you, Tempest, but I have yet to decide. They may be put to some use before they are disposed of.’

‘Of course.’ Tempest nodded in deference to his higher thinking.

‘Let me at ‘em!’ was Bertha Slurp’s simple solution. She snarled so enthusiastically that she had to be restrained by Alistair Phony-Phitch.

‘Why not let me drown them in my charm?’ he proposed.

‘Drowning’s our job,’ said Mince, stepping forward and speaking on behalf of his brothers.

‘Shut up, you fools,’ said Dr Illustrious in his most snappish voice since his arrival. He returned his attention to the children and resumed his courteous tone. ‘How remiss of me not to introduce my esteemed team of specialists,’ he said. ‘I don’t believe you’ve met Doctors Clive Cranium, Hideous Blunt, Pancretia Juice, Matron Spate, Nurse Tong and the famous Dr Pesto Proboscis. They are responsible for the medical miracles performed here.’

‘Oh, right,’ whined Alistair Phony-Phitch. ‘Administration is always undervalued.’

Dr Illustrious ignored him. ‘Of course, their work would not be possible without the generous funding of our benefactor, Gustav Von Gobstopper.’

At this the entire room erupted into laughter. Tempest Anomali held her sides; Alistair Phony-Phitch laughed so hard he had to use his cravat to dab at his eyes; and the thuggish trio slapped their thighs and pretended they’d understood the joke.

‘Whatever you’re planning, you won’t get away with it,’ said Fritz, incensed by the ridiculing of his uncle. ‘The Von Gobstopper family is known and loved worldwide.’

‘Your family pride is touching,’ said Dr Illustrious dismissively, ‘but useless.’ He leaned in towards Fritz and continued in a whisper: ‘When we have finished with him, Von Gobstopper too will be disposed of, like the refuse that he is.’

The veins in Fritz’s neck throbbed and he lunged at Dr Illustrious. He was intercepted by Mince and Wince who shoved him back against the wall. Dr Illustrious looked mildly entertained.

‘Have you learned so little from our encounters, children? Have you not seen that strength is rewarded and innocence punished? The golliwogs soon realised that—they work for me now.’

‘Only because you did something to them!’ shouted Milli.

‘Now, now,’ Dr Illustrious chided. ‘A tweak here and there never hurt anybody. We all have a dark side—all I did was tap into theirs.’

‘This is the saddest you’ve ever been,’ taunted Milli, ‘vandalising toys to make yourself feel powerful.’

‘Oh, but you are quite wrong. It isn’t power that motivates me these days. I’ve moved on from that to something infinitely more satisfying. Can you guess what it might be?’ Dr Illustrious allowed the silence to expand before answering his own question. ‘Revenge, of course. Did you think I would endure public humiliation without trying to settle the score?’

‘You think you’ll get revenge on us by ruining toys?’ Ernest asked in disbelief.

‘Not exactly. Allow me to show you the method behind the madness. As a fellow scientist, I think you’ll appreciate this.’

Dr Illustrious glided from the room, indicating that Tempest and the trio of bodyguards should follow. The thugs gripped Fritz and the children roughly by the arms and hauled them off down the passage too.

Milli noticed that as soon as Dr Illustrious had left the room, the doctors snapped shut their clipboards in relief and resumed their conversations about snow sports and home renovations.

There was a smell like burning rubber throughout the tunnel-like passages. Milli and Ernest tried to take in as much as they could of their route for future reference but were hampered by the low-flying bats that kept swooping over their heads. They could hear the hum of machinery and clattering from the pipes that ran along the length of the ceiling. In the walls were mausoleum-like compartments and Milli wondered what they contained. At one point they heard shuffling sounds and saw that it came from the padded slippers of the surgeons who scuttled through the passageways like rats in a maze. Their groups parted respectfully on sighting Dr Illustrious, allowing him room to pass.

Finally Dr Illustrious stopped at a large wooden door heavy with giant hinges and bolts. There was tinsel draped above the lintel, the handles were in the shape of antlers and a Christmas wreath hung from one. Most baffling of all were the words written in Christmas lights:

Santa’s Workshop

The children and Fritz looked at one another, puzzled. What possible connection could there be between the jolly man in a red suit whose arrival was eagerly awaited at the end of each year by children across the globe and the deadly Dr Illustrious?

Dr Illustrious flung open the door to reveal a large room filled with the smell of burning. A great open furnace with a stone hearth stood in one corner, and inside it was a huge Christmas tree, blazing so fiercely the children had to shield their eyes from the heat. The tree was reduced to a pile of ash so quickly they knew it must be an enchanted fire. A group of small trolls appeared hauling another tree, which they threw in to reignite the blaze. They were hideous-looking creatures with flattened faces and tufts of coarse black hair sprouting from their nostrils and chins. Their ears were bat-like, they had swollen potbellies, and their arms and legs were lumpy with queer-shaped growths. Their green eyes were bright and round, and they grumbled and cursed as they worked. The children realised they were a horrible distortion of Santa’s helpers.

In the middle of the room was a half-finished version of what looked like Santa’s sleigh. Trolls clambered over it like insects, applying paint and lacquer where needed, stitching the seats and polishing the headlamps. A group of six reindeer were harnessed to the sleigh, but they weren’t the sort of reindeer children fantasise about seeing the night before Christmas. These are usually gentle-faced and friendly-looking. The reindeer in Santa’s Workshop had matted coats, their antlers appeared to have been sharpened into spikes and their eyes were large, bloodshot and mad-looking. The biggest of them, presumably the much celebrated Rudolph, was the grumpiest of all. His red nose was badly inflamed from a cold and flies buzzed around his ears, which were moth-eaten like a wool coat that has been too long in storage.

The trolls not tending the fire or preparing the sleigh were busy packing toys, their actions synchronised like those of workers on an assembly line. On the floor was a huge pile of striped gift boxes. Troll one handed a box to troll two, who randomly selected a mutant toy from the rows on the benches and packed it snugly between layers of tissue paper. Troll three sealed the box and decorated it with ribbon. Troll four (white-haired and wearing spectacles) dipped his nib into an inkwell and wrote names on tags, which troll five attached to the gifts. The children immediately recognised the names on the gift tags—it appeared that every child in Drabville was to receive one of these horrible gifts.

Some younger trolls scampered around in aprons, cleaning up, and they sang a little song as they worked:

What do you want for Christmas, little girl, little boy?

Fancy a scarred, slashed and mutilated toy?

A clockwork sprouting giant moths?

A teddy with a nasty cough?

A dolly impaled with a metal probe?

A Barbie with no earlobes?

Put in your orders, come on, don’t be shy, Thoughtful Saint Nick will always comply!

As they sang, the children noticed that the trolls’ teeth had started to rot from a diet made up entirely of mince pies. Their dental hygiene was not helped by their aversion to toothpaste. The children could not know this but the trolls had a taste only for sugary preparations and used only liquid liquorice as a mouth wash.

In another corner of the workshop, two trolls were testing Christmas crackers that, when pulled apart, spurted a greenish liquid that smelled of rotten eggs. Others were decorating a charred tree, not with shiny baubles but with bits of old bone and balls of fur. The bells grunted instead of tinkling, and the tinsel was thick with thorns. The worst thing was the ornament that crowned the lifeless tree. In my house (as I’m sure is the case in yours) we have a gold star or an angel at the pinnacle of our tree, although one year there was a digression from this tradition in order to proudly display an angel made from a toilet roll and cotton wool, constructed by me at pre-school. Perched at the top of the trolls’ Christmas tree was a stuffed bat, its wings spread like an umbrella.

‘Precious, isn’t it?’ purred Tempest Anomali. ‘Christmas redefined.’

Milli and Ernest were horrified by the sights before them, but they didn’t understand their purpose. Dr Illustrious had succeeded in ruining many of Von Gobstopper’s beautiful creations, the children of Drabville would be taken aback to receive his hateful gifts, and Von Gobstopper’s name might be forever blackened, but parents could easily buy their children toys from other companies like Harrowsmith or Fluffball. So what had Dr Illustrious really achieved?

‘This won’t change anything,’ Ernest said smugly. ‘Christmas isn’t even about presents.’

Some trolls who overheard him glanced at each other and rubbed their blotchy hands together. ‘Wrong!’ they jeered. ‘This Christmas is all about presents.’ A dark look from Dr Illustrious silenced them.

‘Little Pustule, you are too cocky,’ the transformed wizard told Ernest with calm disgust. ‘Do you think I would go to so much trouble without an inspired plan? But like everyone else, you will have to wait to see it in glorious action.’ He paused to scratch his chin thoughtfully. ‘On the other hand, you are special people with whom I have forged a strong bond. I would be honoured if you would come along for the ride.’

‘They’re not going anywhere with you, you demented monster,’ Fritz warned.

‘Silence!’ snarled Dr Illustrious. ‘I have little patience for heroic types.’ He signalled to Tempest, who in turn snapped directions at a troll.

‘Let’s give them a sneak preview,’ she said.

The troll snapped off a prickly finger from one of the cacti plants in the shape of human hands that grew from the walls, and sniggering, tossed it on the fire. The children and Fritz sprang back as a wall of flames erupted inside the grate. The room was plunged into darkness and the furnace formed a kind of blazing stage. Figures moved inside the flames, as they might on a television screen with faulty reception. The figures seemed to be set on fast-forward and three scenes appeared in rapid succession.

The first was what seemed to be a playroom—the floor was littered with building blocks and board games. A small boy was sitting cross-legged in front of a large painted toy box. He stuck his hand inside, in search of something, then withdrew it instantly, shrieking and waving his arm. The children could see that a toy dinosaur had sunk its razor-sharp teeth into the boy’s hand. A second scene began to take shape. This time it showed a cosy kitchen where a child was sprinkling sugar on her bowl of porridge whilst her mother busied herself making a pot of tea. On the table sat a rag doll with thinning wool hair and one eye suspended from a thread. The girl dropped her spoon and as she bent to pick it up, the doll withdrew a tube labelled Ground Glass from her apron pocket and emptied the contents into the porridge. The final scene was a brother and sister fast asleep in their nursery. A bear, who had been lying on the chest of drawers face down, got up and tiptoed over to the sleeping children. He withdrew a pouch from beneath his waistcoat and, with an evil leer, released a family of hairy-legged poisonous spiders under the children’s bedcovers.

A feeling of helplessness washed over Milli and Ernest as they stood transfixed by the scenes of betrayal they had just witnessed. Fritz’s face was burning with fury.

‘As you see,’ gloated Dr Illustrious, ‘traitors in your very midst. An ingenious plan, if I say so myself. Now, get out of my sight!’

Led by Tempest, the trolls roughly escorted Ernest, Milli and Fritz to a narrow underground cell. It was dank and airless and they felt like animals trapped in a cage. It was difficult to breathe and the only sound was that of water dripping from a pipe nearby.

‘No one takes on Dr Illustrious and wins. You of all people should know that,’ said Tempest in triumph, and marched off.

The three captives sank onto the damp floor and contemplated a future that seemed entirely without hope.

‘I can’t believe it’s happened again,’ Ernest moaned quietly. ‘Is it ever going to be over?’

‘At least this time we were better prepared,’ said Milli.

‘You think so?’ said Ernest. ‘Then how come we’re in here?’

Fritz slapped the walls in frustration. He was not accustomed to being rendered useless and didn’t know how to react. The physical strength he had relied on up until now was inadequate in this situation. He paced the cell, clenching and unclenching his fists and glaring into space.

Several hours passed. Milli and Ernest wondered what time it was and what their parents would think when they discovered the children’s second disappearance in as many days. Their legs grew cramped and their bodies stiff. They tried to sleep, but couldn’t doze off no matter how hard they tried. A wave of panic surfaced every time they almost succeeded in relaxing; they were afraid of what might creep up on them and take them by surprise.

Dr Illustrious had mentioned them accompanying him on a ride. If the journey he had in mind was a real one, where was he planning on taking them?