Edward Sellon

The New Epicuriean

Gentle Reader.

Before transcribing my correspondence with my fair friends, it is necessary to describe the scene of the amours alluded to in the letters, and also to say a few words regarding the chief actor, myself.

I am a man who, having passed the Rubicon of youth, has arrived at that age when the passions require a more stimulating diet than is to be found in the arms of every painted courtesan.

That I might the better carry out my philosophical design of pleasure without riot and refined voluptuous enjoyment without alloy, and with safety, I became the purchaser of a suburban villa situated in extensive grounds, embosomed in lofty trees, and surrounded with high walls. This villa I altered to suit my taste and had it so contrived that all the windows faced towards the road, except the French ones, which opened on the lawn from a charming room, to which I had ingress from the grounds at the back and which was quite cut off from the rest of the house. To render these grounds more private, high walls extended like wings from either side of the house and joined the outer walls. I thus secured an area of some five acres of woodland which was not overlooked from any quarter, and where everything that took place would be a secret unknown to the servants in the villa.

The grounds I had laid out in the true English style, with umbrageous walks, alcoves, grottoes, fountains, and every adjunct that could add to their rustic beauty. In the open space, facing the secret apartment before alluded to, was spread out a fine lawn, embossed with beds of the choicest flowers, and in the centre, from a bouquet of maiden's blush roses, appeared a statue of Venus; in white marble at the end of every shady valley was a terminal figure of the god of gardens in his various forms: either bearded like the antique head of the Indian Bacchus; soft and feminine, as we see the lovely Antinous; or Hermaphroditic-the form of a lovely girl with puerile attributes. In the fountains swam gold and silver fish, whilst rare crystals and spars glittered amidst mother o' pearl at the bottom of the basins.

The gardeners who kept this happy valley in order were only admitted on Mondays and Tuesdays, which days were devoted by me entirely to study, the remaining four being sacred to Venus and love.

This garden had three massive doors in its walls, each fitted with a small lock made for the purpose, and all opened with a gold key which never left my watch guard.

Such were the external arrangements of my Caproe. Now, a few words on the internal economy of my private

salle d'amour

and I have done.

This apartment, which was large and lofty, was in its fittings and furniture entirely Louis-Quinze, that is to say, in the latest French mode; the walls were panelled and painted in pale French grey, white and gold, and were rendered less formal by being hung with exquisite paintings by Watteau. Cabinets of buhl and marqueterie lined the sides, each filled with erotic works by the best authors, illustrated with exquisite and exciting prints and charmingly bound. The couches and chairs were of ormolu, covered

en suite

with grey satin, and stuffed with down. The legs of the tables were also gilt, the tops were slabs of marble, which, when not in use for the delicious collations (which were from time to time served up through a trap door in the floor), were covered with rich tapestries. The window curtains were of grey silk and Venetian blinds, painted a pale rose colour, cast a voluptuous shade over the room.

The chimney-piece was of marble, large, lofty, and covered with sculpture in relief, representing beautiful naked children of both sexes in every wanton attitude, entwined with grapes and flowers, carved by the hand of a master. The sides and hearth of this elegant fireplace were encrusted with porcelain tiles of rare beauty, representing the Triumph of Venus, and silver dogs were placed on either side to support the wood, according to the style in vogue in the middle of the last century.

To complete the

coup d'osil,

my embroidered suit of garnet velvet, plumed hat, and diamond hiked sword were carelessly flung upon a chair, while the cabinets and sideboards were covered with costly snuff boxes and china. Such were some of the striking features of this delightful chamber. As for the rest of the house, it was furnished like any other respectable domicile of our times.

My establishment consisted of a discreet old housekeeper, who was well paid and not too sharply looked after in the little matters of perquisites and peculations, a bouncing blooming cook and a sprightly trim housemaid, who were kept in good humour by an occasional half-guinea, a holiday, and a chuck under the chin. Beyond these innocent liberties they were not molested. As for the gardeners, they lived out of the house, and being as well paid for their two days' work as if they worked all the week, it followed that they knew their own interests too well to manifest any undue or indiscreet curiosity as to what passed in the grounds when their services were not required.

Having thus given a sketch of the premises, I proceed at once with the letters, only expressing a hope that you, most courteous reader, will quietly lay down the book if it is too strong for your stomach instead of falling foul of

Your humble servant

THE AUTHOR

To Lesbia

You ask me, most charming Lesbia, to relieve the ennui which your too venerable and too watchful lord causes you to suffer, with his officious attentions, by a recital of some of those scenes which are not visible to the uninitiated; and I, having always been your slave, hasten to obey.

You must know then, chere petite, that I have certain convenient ladies in my pay, whom I call pointers, forasmuch as they put up the game.

Last Thursday as I lay stretched on a sofa absorbed in that most charming of Diderot's works La Religieuse, the silver bell which communicates with the southern gate gave tongue and roused me from my lethargy. I sprang to my feet and wending my way through that avenue of chestnut trees, which you and I, Lesbia, know so well, made direct for the gate. Here the well-known chariot met my eye, and it only required a glance at the smart coachman to show me that Jehu was none other than Madame R herself; and a devilish handsome groom she made, I can assure you.

An almost imperceptible raising of the eyebrows and a gesture with her whip handle towards the interior of the carriage told me all I wanted to know; so first looking up and down the road to see that we were not observed, I whispered, 'ten o'clock' and then opened the door. 'Come my little darlings,' said I to two delicious young creatures, who, coquettishly dressed with the most charming little hats in the world and full petticoats that barely reached their rose coloured garters, sprang, nothing loth, into my arms. The next minute we were all three standing in the garden, the door was locked, and the chariot had driven off. The elder of my little pets was a blooming blonde, with soft brown hair that shone like gold, melting eyes of the loveliest blue, and cheeks tinted with the softest blush of the rose; a pert little nose slightly retrousse, carmine lips, and teeth like pearls completed a most delicious face. She was, she said, just thirteen years old. Her companion, a sparkling brunette with dark eyes, raven hair, and a colour that vied with the damask rose, was about twelve. They were charming children, and when I tell you that their limbs were moulded in the most perfect symmetry and that their manners were cultivated, elegant, and gay, I think you will agree with me that Madame R had catered well.

'Now my little loves,' said I, giving each a kiss, 'what shall we do first; are you hungry, will you eat?'

This proposal seemed to give great satisfaction, so taking each by the hand I led them to my room; and patties, strawberries and cream, apricots, and champagne disappeared with incredible rapidity. While they were eating, I was exploring; now patting the firm dimpled peach-like bottom of the pretty brunette, now inserting a finger into the pouting hairless cleft of the lovely blonde. The latter was called Blanche and the former Cerise. I was beside myself with rapture, and turning first to one and then to the other, covered them with kisses. The collation finished at last, we all went into the grounds, and having walked them round and shown them everything curious, not forgetting the statue of that most impudent god Priapus, at whose grotesque appearance, with his great prick sticking out, they laughed heartily, I proposed to give them a swing. Of course in putting them in I took care that their lovely little posteriors should bulge out beyond the velvet seat, and as their clothes were short, every time they swung high in the air I had a full expansive view of those white globes, and the tempting rose coloured slits that pouted between them; then, oh! the dear little feet, the fucktious shoes, the racy delectable legs; nothing could be finer. But the sight was too tantalising. We were all heated; I with the exertion of swinging them, they with the wine, so they readily agreed to my proposal to proceed to a retired spot, where was a little lake lined with marble, not more than four feet deep. We were soon naked and sporting in the water; then only was it that I could take in all their loveliness at a glance. The budding small pointed breasts, just beginning to grow; the polished ivory shoulders, the exquisite fall in the back, the tiny waist, the bulging voluptuous hips, the dimpled bottoms, blushing and fresh, the plump thighs and smooth white bellies. In a moment my truncheon stood up hard and firm as a constable's staff. I put it in their hands, I frigged and kissed their fragrant cunnies, I gamahuched them, and then the saucy Cerise, taking my ruby-tipped ferrule in her little rosy mouth, began rolling her tongue round it in such a way that I nearly fainted with bliss. At that moment our position was this: I lay stretched on my back on the grass; Blanche sat over me, a leg on either side, with my tongue glued to her rose. Cerise knelt astride of me also, with her posteriors well jutted out towards me, and one of my fingers was inserted in her rosebud. Nor were the hands of the delicious brunette idle: with her right she played with my balls and with the forefinger of her left hand she exquisitely titillated the regions beneath. But human nature could not stand this long; so changing our position I placed Blanche on her hands and knees while Cerise inserted my arrow, covered with saliva from her mouth, into the pretty Blanche. She was tight, but not a virgin, so after a thrust or two I fairly went in up to the hilt. All this while Cerise was tickling me and rubbing her beautiful body against me. Soon Blanche began to spend, and to sigh out, 'Oh! oh! dear sir, give it me now! Shoot it into me! Ah! I faint! I die!' and as the warm fluid gushed into her she fell prone on the ground.

When Blanche had a little recovered herself we again plunged into the lake to wash off the dew of love with which we were drenched.

Thus sporting in the water, toying with each other, we whiled away the hours of the afternoon, till tired, at length, we left the lake and dressed ourselves. The sun had long disappeared behind the trees and the shades of evening began to close in. I therefore proposed to adjourn to the villa, where for some time I amused my little friends with bawdy books and prints. But you are not to suppose that my hands were idle, one being under the clothes of each.

Cerise had thrust her hand into my breeches and was manipulating with great industry, which amused me very much; but I soon found out the reason, for presently she said, pouting out her pretty mouth, 'You like Blanche better than me!'

'I love you both, my angels,' said I, laughing heartily at the little puss's jealousy.

'Ah, it's all very well to laugh,' cried Cerise, 'but I don't see why I am not to be fucked as well as her!'

'Oh!' I exclaimed, 'that's the way the wind blows, is it!' And drawing the sweet girl to a couch I tossed up her clothes in a moment.

'Quick, quick, Blanche!' cried Cerise, 'come and gamahuche the gentleman and make his yard measure stiff before he begins, for you know how tight I am at first.'

The little Blanche flung down the book she was looking at, and running up to me placed herself on her knees; then clasping my naked thighs with her milky arms she seized upon the red head of my thyrsus and worked her mouth up and down upon it in the most luscious manner possible. In a few minutes more I could certainly have spent on her tongue had not Cerise, fearful of being baulked, made her leave off. Then guiding the randy prick into her opening rosy little cunny, she began to bound and wriggle and twist until she had worked it well in; then twining her legs around my loins and thrusting her tongue in my mouth she gave way unrestrained to the joys of sensation. I was astonished that so young a creature could be so precocious, but I learnt from Madame R, who had brought her up, that every pain had been taken to excite these passions in this girl since she was seven years of age; first with boys, and subsequently with grown-up persons. Blanche I had thought most delicious, but there was a furore in Cerise's fucking which carried you away, as it were, out of yourself.

So great was the delight I experienced with this amorous girl, that I held back as long as possible but she bounded about with such energy that she soon brought down another shower of dew, and all was over. I was glad to hide the diminished head of poor Pego in my white silk breeches, and it being now nearly ten o'clock I rang for chocolate, which soon appeared through the trap door, served up in pretty little porcelain cups with ratafia cakes and bonbons, to which the girls did ample justice. The bell having announced Madame R at the gate, we went forth hand in hand, I having first placed in their pockets a bright new guinea apiece.

Arrived at the gate, I gave her ladyship a pocket-book containing twenty pounds, with which she seemed well content.

'Adieu, my dear children,' said I; 'I hope before long you will pay me another visit.'

'Goodbye, sir,' cried both the girls in a breath, and the chariot drove off.

Quite tired by this time, I locked the gate, and going round to the front of the villa I knocked and entered, as if I had just come home, retiring soon after to bed to dream over again of the joys of that delightful evening.

To Lais

I am afraid, my pretty Lais, I am in disgrace with you for not writing before, so to excuse my seeming neglect, I will now narrate to you an adventure I have lately had here which will amuse you very much. You may remember, possibly, pretty Mrs. H, the wife of an old prig of a grocer, whom you met here once. Well, she came to see me the other day and, after I had done justice to her charms, which indeed are not to be despised, sitting on my knee and sipping some old Burgundy, for which the fine dame has a great liking, she told me the cause of her visit.

'As you are so generous,' she began, 'it always gives me great pleasure to oblige you and throw anything in your way that is worthy of the notice of such a true Epicurean. Now I have just received from the country a niece whose father has been long dead and who has now lost her mother, so the good people of the place where they lived, to get rid of the orphan, have sent her up to me. This has vexed my good man not a little-as you know he loves his money dearly; not able to get a child for himself, he has no fancy to be saddled with other people's. But I quieted him with the assurance that I would get her a place in a few days. The girl is just seventeen, as beautiful and fresh as an angel and innocent as a baby, so I thought what a nice amusement it would be for you to have her here and enlighten and instruct her. You have, I know, a little cottage fitted up as a dairy; engage her as your dairymaid, buy a cow or two, and the thing is done.'

'But,' said I, 'won't she be afraid to live in the cottage all alone, and if the gardeners should find it out what would they think!'

'Nay, sir,' said the tempter, 'your honour knows best, but it seems to me that these difficulties can easily be got over. I know an old crone, a simple, poor, humble creature, who would do anything for half a crown and be delighted to live in that cottage. She alone will be seen by the gardeners, and my niece will be kept close during the two days they work in the grounds.'

'That will do capitally,' said I. 'You arrange it all.'

Accordingly, old mother Jukes and the blooming Phoebe were duly installed. Two Alderney cows occupied the cowhouse and the new dairymaid set to work. After two or three days had passed, I went one afternoon to see her milk the cows. She jumped up from her three-legged stool in confusion, and blushing deeply, dropped me a rustic curtsey.

'Well, Phoebe,' said I gently, 'what do you dunk of the dairy? Do you think you shall like the place?'

She dropped me another curtsey, and replied, 'Yes, an't please ye, sir.'

'You find the cottage convenient?' said I.

'Oh la! sir, mighty,' cried Phoebe.

'Very good,' said I, 'now when you have done milking, I will show you the poultry yard and my pet animals, all of which are to be under your care.'

As soon as the fair creature had drawn off as much milk as she required, she placed her pails in the dairy and, smoothing down her white apron, attended me. We went first to the poultry yard, where Phoebe espied the cock treading one of the hens.

'Oh, my,' she exclaimed, 'that cruel cock; look at him, a-pecking and trampling upon that poor hen. That is just the way they used to go on at feyther's, but I won't let un do it.' And she ran forward to drive away the cock.

'Stop, stop, Phoebe,' I exclaimed; 'do not drive him away, for if the cock does not tread the hen, how are we to have any chickens?'

'Sure, sir, the chickens will come from the eggs, and if he treads upon the poor hen that way, he will break them all in her belly, other while.'

'Not at all,' said I. 'It is true pullets lay eggs, and very good are such eggs for eating, but they will never come to chickens. It is the cocks who make the chickens.'

Phoebe opened her large blue eyes very wide at this, and ejaculated, 'Mighty!'

'Don't you see, Phoebe, that while he is treading, he is also doing something else?'

'Noa, sir, I doant,' said Phoebe demurely.

'If you look at the hen's tail, Phoebe, you will see that it is lifted up and spread open; there, now look; and you will see the cock is putting something in the opening under her tail.'

'Oh, la, yes,' cried she, blushing as red as a peony; 'I see now, well I never.'

'You see, Phoebe, you have much to learn; but come to the stable and I will show you something more extraordinary. Where, may I ask, do you suppose foals come from? And kittens, and puppies?'

'Lawk sir, from their mothers, I suppose.'

'Yes, but they would not come without they were made; now you shall see what my little stallion pony will do when I let him into the stall of the mare, and some months hence you shall see the foal he has made.'

To this Phoebe could only respond, 'Mighty!'

We went to the stable. The ponies were beautiful little creatures, of a fine cream colour, and pure Pegu breed, sent to me from Burma by a friend.

Like all horses of that colour, their noses, pizzle, etc., were flesh colour, and therefore at once caught the eye. Removing the bar that divided the loose box, I let the stallion pass into the other side. The little mare received him with a neigh of welcome.

'Oh, my,' cried Phoebe, 'she seems to know him quite nat'ral loike.'

The stallion began nibbling at different parts of the mare, who raised her tail, and again neighed. Her lover answered the neigh. Soon he began to scent her sexual beauties, which he caressed with his lips, his enormous yard shot out and banged against his stifle. I pointed it out to Phoebe.

'Oh, good lud! yes, sir, I sees it!' cried she, blushing up very red and trembling all over.

I passed my arm round her taper waist and, gently kissing her, whispered, 'Now observe what he will do.'

Presently the stallion mounted on his hind legs, embracing the mare with the fore ones, and his great pizzle began to enter; the mare stood firm and did not kick He laid his head along her back, nibbling her coat. He moved backwards and forwards. Phoebe trembled and turned red and pale by turns. The mare whinnied with delight, the stallion responded.

'See, Phoebe,' said I, 'how these lovers enjoy themselves. Mon Dieu! how happy they are!'

'La, sir,' cried the girl, 'what pleasure can she take in having that great long thing put into her body?'

'The pleasure,' said I sententiously, 'which nature gives to those who propagate their kind; and some day my little Phoebe will feel the same pleasure. But look! He has finished, and is out again. See how the female parts of the mare open and shut with spasms of delight. Observe how she cocks her tail-see how she turns her head, as if asking for more. There now, she neighs again.'

But Phoebe was not listening; she had seated herself on a truss of hay, and with her eyes fixed on the again stiffening pizzle of the stallion had fallen into a reverie. I guessed what she was thinking about, so seating myself by her side I stole a hand up her clothes. She trembled, but did not resist. I felt her firm plump thighs, I explored higher-I touched her feather: soft and silky as a mouse's skin was the moss in which I entwined my fingers. I opened the lips, heavens! could I believe my senses. She was spending and her shift was quite wet. Whether it was accident or not I cannot say, but she had dropped one of her hands on my lap.

My truncheon had long been stiff as iron; this additional aggravation had such an effect that, with a start, away flew too material buttons and Jack sprang out of his box into her hand. At this she gave a little scream, and snatching away her own hand, at the same time pushed away mine. Jumping up, she began smoothing down her rumpled clothes and with great vehemence exclaimed, 'Oh, la! fie, sir: doantee, doantee. Oh, I'm afeard,' etc., etc.

But I was not going to lose such a chance and began to soothe her with talk until at length we got back to the same position again. I grew more bold, I kissed her eyes and her bosom; I handled her lovely buttocks; I frigged her clitoris-her eyes sparkled; she seized upon that weapon which had at first so frightened her, and the next minute I had flung her back on the hay and was frigging away at her maidenhead; but she made a terrible outcry and struggled most violently. Fortunately, Mrs. Jukes had a convenient attack of deafness, and heard nothing, so that after a good deal of trouble I found myself in possession of the fortress, up to the hilt. Once in, I knew well how to plant my touches, and ere long a soft languor pervaded all her limbs, pleasure succeeded pain. She no longer repulsed me but, sobbing on my shoulder, stopped now and then to kiss my cheek.

Her climax came at length and then she threw all modesty aside, entwined her lovely legs around my back twisted, wriggled, bit, pinched and, kissing me with ardour, seemed to wake up to the new life she had found.

Thrice we renewed the seraphic joys; and then and not till then did I leave her to her poultry yard and her dairy.

She is still with me; an adept in the wiles of love; not the least jealous, but very useful to me in all the other little affairs which I have on hand. As for Mrs. H, I gave her fifty guineas for her niece's maidenhead; and although I have bought many much dearer, I never enjoyed it as I did with Phoebe.

So now good-night, and if you can sleep without a lover after such a recital, it is more than I can; so I shall seek the arms of this unsophisticated country lass to allay the fires that recording this narrative has lit up in my veins.